Equal Time

So My Therapist Says (in response to the entry "Boundaries"),

"You certainly were moved (albeit angrily) by our last session... hmmm... I think I won the final round. Does all of this have anything to do with your canceling the next two appointments without nary a hint of rescheduling them? Can you say "RESISTANCE"? Looking forward to round 5 or whichever one we are on now."

There's a little function thingamajig on this blog that lets the self-indulgent author decide whether or not to allow any given comment to be posted. It helps keep the KKK-style stuff off the pages and helps us limit the less healthy engagements that anonymity can sometimes encourage. I've received a couple of comments on various entries - nothing to write home about. One man related to a childhood sexual introduction. One lady encouraged me in the quest to stop smoking. One or two responses I've deleted because I wasn't sure they furthered anything. One alluded to being glad he wasn't "the only crazy person on the internet", which I thought was either demeaning of us both or insufficiently humorous. I would have "approved" My Therapist's comment, except that in doing so, his full name would have attached to the comment, thus destroying his anonymity, which I don't feel entitled to compromise. I've copied it verbatim above.

My Therapist and I have had the understanding that this forum exists for quite some time. I know he says he's read parts of it. I've read parts to him in our sessions. It doesn't much matter to me whether he - or anyone else - pays it much mind. It's always been for and about me and I'd be shocked to learn that anyone else gave a shit. Then comes today's commentary.

I am not gifted in the Passive/Aggressive arts, so I may be a bit clumsy at this. If I had the man's email address, most of this would have blazed a hole in his inbox. Absent that option, I am responding here, in the forum where he a) encouraged me to "go home and write 3 blog entries about this" and b) left snarky commentary about how I undertook what he presumed to assign. First the facts, ma'am.

Everything I wrote in the entry "Boundaries" is as true as I recall it to be and nothing is disputable in any material way. I did, in fact, call and cancel my next two appointments with nary a hint at rescheduling. I have a standing appointment on Fridays at 4 p.m. I made the (incorrect) assumption that if I cancel one (or two), we pick up in the same slot later. My error. He has cancelled appointments in the past and the assumption was that we were on for the following week in the same space. I should not have presumed that the person holding the Magical Boundary Checkbook has the same scheduling prerogative. But to answer the question: Yes, it does have everything to do with canceling the next two appointments to put some distance between me and that unsettling session and allow me to really understand what I think about it. In the past when I've shrunk from things he said, I fairly quickly came around to see the wisdom of what was suggested. Not so this time. And since when do I have to give any hint of rescheduling when I cancel? That's some nerve. That's a little like the restaurant getting its back up because you won't be lunching at your usual time for a couple of weeks.

I frankly don't care to keep score with My Therapist. Whether anyone wins or loses any given battle is, admittedly, outside the parameters of why I'm there. That said, it is not nearly so far outside the parameters of why I'm there as the suggestion that we develop a "...romantic, erotic relationship". I am not angry, as asserted above. I am incredulous and highly suspicious of this methodology. While I am there to figure out why I am routinely unsuccessful at relationships, I am not interested in his offer of romantic surrogacy. The thought makes my skin crawl - and not because he's unattractive. He isn't. It's creepy because I pay the man money. I am not going to pay somebody to make me feel like I'm having a relationship with them for 50 minutes once a week. THAT makes me feel pathetic and desperate, a condition I have avoided more successfully than most.

It is inconceivable that I am the only person who thinks this is a little nuts. And, for the record, if you have my phone number, you don't need to leave notes on the blog. I always pick up. And I'm not afraid to have the conversation. Then again, it's probably a lot less profitable to talk long distance when one could do it for $110 an hour and profit from the argument. Even when it's apparently a little personal. So much for settling into "blithe and glib". I'm guessing we're not getting there anytime soon.

I know this much: If that Lady Pastor suggests anything resembling a romantic, erotic relationship, I'm taking two weeks off from church, too.

And no, I won't hint at rescheduling with her, either.

To Me At 18

Dear Tommy at 18,

You have about 10 minutes to be really, really angry about how things have panned out in your heart until now. Get it out of your system in a hurry because you are about to become who you will always be. Whatever you have in your pockets in the days, weeks, and months to come will stay with you for the rest of your life, in one way or another.

You're going to be invited to travel the world and sing. Grasp the opportunity with both hands. Run to it. College waits. When they ask you to sign the deal for the second year, say yes. This is what you will regret not having done. College waits. Living your dreams does not wait. You get a couple of shots at the perfect road and then it vanishes into a second-best trip...at best. Stay on the road until they make you go home. You were born to this, whether you believe it or not.

You are better than you think. You are not as good as you can be, but you are the last one to realize your gifts. You will not be first on the list in anyone's memory, but be happy to be happy using what you have to its fullest expression. Sing like nobody ever told you that you shouldn't. Sing until they make you stop. You're about to be able to play the piano, too. Surprise! Pound the life out of every keyboard you see until they tell you to stop. Be happy! Be happy! Be happy!

You are gifted in a rare way when it comes to speaking. The voice that emanates from your face is not the one people will expect when they see you. You channel a source that is articulate beyond your own ability to comprehend. Just open your mouth and it will be there. You will never have anxiety about what to say when called upon to speak. There will be times you are called upon at a moment's notice. Just smile and say "Yes". The words will be there.

Be true to your gifting at every turn. No amount of money or security will ever erase the inscription on your forehead to do what you know to do.

You will not love in a way that is convenient or easy. You will love hard. You will be hard to love. Don't despair. Always hope. You will not marry at 22 or 30 or 40. You will not have children and picket fences and family times at the table or around the tree. You can, however, be fulfilled. Your love and your calling will be the ultimate conflict. How you resolve that conflict will define you at every moment of your life. You can swing from one to the other, you can hide one under the other, or you can stand whole before the One who made you and do what you were gifted and called to do.

No one will understand. Everyone will demand your allegiance and few will offer you their mercy and compassion. You will inspire judgment and be prone to it yourself. Close your eyes and hear your heart. You are singularly equipped for this. Never take the easy road. Your voice will often be a decade out of step with your surroundings. Don't be cowed. Keep speaking. Keep speaking even when you mis-speak. Perfection has not been visited upon you any more than it has the next fool. You will all arrive at the same destination, only you will share the road with those who can endure hard traveling. Embrace those who travel by your side with compassion. They are not there to be your constant companions, but are there for a season. Give them what they need and take what you need from them. This is not a zero-sum game. You can give without receiving and not feel cheated. You can receive when you have nothing to give without feeling guilty. Sometimes it just works out that way.

Your heart is correct. Your head is the suspect one. When you have to choose, ignore the reasoning and embrace the feeling. If you don't, you will always regret having ignored your spirit.

You're OK, kid. Take off the windbreaker. This is about to get interesting. Now go out there and live life in the center of the room.

Love,
Tom at 41

That's Not My Axe Head

I owe that lady preacher an apology. She preached herself clean out of her shoes on Sunday morning. Worse yet, she hit me right where I sat. I hadn't put myself in a position for that to happen in years. No. I mean years. Years.

She preached out of II Kings 6 - the story of Elisha making an iron axe head float. The story goes that a young man was chopping wood and the head of the axe, which he had borrowed, flew into the water. The young man pointed out to Elisha, the prophet, where the axe head went into the water. Then the prophet chopped off a stick from the tree, put it in the water and the axe head floated. He told the young man to pick it up.

Even as allegory goes, that's a lot to take in. But as preached, it was, as we say, convicting. Madame Pastor preached that we sometimes have borrowed gifts that we lose along the way. Most frequently, she says, we know full well where we "lost" them. Even if someone can bring it back to the surface and make it easy for us to take up again, it's still incumbent on us to do the taking-up. I nodded that way we do when we feel "like somebody's been reading my mail", as they say down home. I thought about how long it had been since I'd played the piano or sang in church - aside from bellowing along with the congregation. But I caught myself when I remembered that the experience doesn't come cheap. And it's soooo not free. There is a price to pay for taking up that borrowed axe head again.

It's the price of disclosure. When you get up on the podium and do your schtick and it becomes obvious that you've probably done this before - a lot - and that you have at least a knack, if not a talent, for it...you get questions. They want to know you. It's instant celebrity in a very small and insignificant fishbowl. Some of the curiosity is genuine and awe-inspired. But a little bit of it is born of jealousy and that perverse desire some have to lay low anything that gets raised up.

I got quizzed on the way out of church Sunday morning as to what I planned to sing Sunday night and I laughed - politely. I didn't say no, exactly. But I was hearing Pappy in the back of my head, "Know those who labour among you," he'd quote. And it made me think less of the ones who were asking. Because they don't know me. But if they knew me - really knew me - they wouldn't ask. Then I couldn't do it. And I wanted to do it. So I laughed. But I didn't say no. I just went home. And played. And played. And found a song I would sing if I was going to sing, but I wasn't going to sing. And they wouldn't ask anyway. That's just my ego talking.

The song I found was written about a step and a half higher than I would prefer - if I was going to sing it, which I wasn't. But I sat at the piano and transcribed it in about 15 minutes into a lower key and played it through several times just to make sure the highest notes were in my "hollerin' range" as the ladies used to call it back in the day. I laid the music book down on the copy machine and ran a copy - because walking into church with a fat music book would look like I had plans, which I didn't. And it would only encourage them, which I didn't want to do. But I darkened some of the transcription on the page after it printed and placed it in the back of my Bible such that it wouldn't bend the wrong way and refuse to stand up on the piano later - if necessary. But it wouldn't be necessary. This was just crazy. I'd bought my own publicity. Nice thought, though.

I got to church Sunday night and every single person I met asked me what I was singing. I laughed. I joked about having missed the conspiracy meeting. I joked about knowing not what you ask for. I laughed. I laughed right up until the end of the Song Service when that Lady Pastor looked down from the pulpit (Pool Pit, as we say) and asked, "Are you gonna sing?"

"Really?" I squeaked.
"Yes, " she said. "Really."

I pulled the paper out of my Bible as the pianist slipped off the bench. I motioned for the other musicians to stay put, in case they wanted to play along. I apologized in advance for whatever sound might emit from my years-dormant voice and my trembling hands. I asked them, half-jokingly, to give me a moment to introduce myself to that piano.

"Hi, my name is Jonah. It's good to be in Nineveh," I riffed. Everybody in the house got the joke - and that it wasn't such a big joke. But none of them knew the whole story. I thanked the lady pastor who sat across the podium from me and appeared to gulp when I thanked her for showing me where I'd lost my axe head. And then I played and sang this little song...

It was about 10 years after the last time I'd sung in public. I remember the last time like it was yesterday. It was my cousin Jim's wedding. I thought I had laryngitis. I downed a bottle of Real Lemon during the wedding to trick my vocal chords into the right degree of tension to get me through. It was right before I went to the doctor and got The Diagnosis. Not Laryngitis. That was the last time I'd sung in public. Ten years and twice that much history washed over me as I sang...

"When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we've reached the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving has only begun."

Nothing Personal

So My Therapist Says that when two people fail to make a connection, it's Nothing Personal. I had a good friend from South Africa once who used to occasionally use a native phrase that I find helpful from time to time: "Bullshit."

Nothing Personal? I do not choose you, a person, to be my marginally wedded spouse. I do not choose you, a person, to take to dinner. I do not choose you, a person, to bed, wed or be fed. How, in the name of all that makes sense, do we figure that's Nothing Personal? It is absolutely personal! And there's nothing wrong with that. Why do we make up the little lie - and then repeat it so frequently - that when I reject you (or you reject me) as a person that we must euphemize it into meaninglessness? There are people who should be rejected. That's personal. And it should be. Those are not good persons.

I have hired and fired untold numbers of people in my day. Every one of them was personal. I was firing a person. How could it not be about the person? It was about their performance, qualifications, execution, attitude, comparative worth in the workplace. If that ain't personal, I don't understand personal.

There are a couple of men I've met who keep one toe in my water (on the off-chance they run out of other options, I firmly believe). They are always VERY busy. I have known members of Congress who were not as busy as these men. I have known paramedics who had fewer unexpected emergencies to which to tend. These are guys who make it a point to touch base once every couple weeks to keep their connection valid under the assumption that I will never have anything better to do and will be more than willing to go belly-up (or down) for them at a moment's notice. The frequent backing-out of all-too-tentative plans to maybe make a call to potentially set up a possible dinner or drink - maybe - are usually ignored without comment or explained away with increasingly tortured and amazing convergences of bad timing, fate, karma and automotive/immunological miracles of bad luck. But it's always Nothing Personal.

I'd rather be told, if the truth were told, that I'm not their type. I could stomach being told that if I were the last person on earth, I'd be the first person they'd date - but not until then. I have turned down and been turned down the average number of times for a person of a certain age, I would imagine. But Jesus Tits (as one of my favorite teachers used to exclaim), can we just tell the truth for a change? It's personal. Get over it.

The only time it's Nothing Personal is when you're dealing with an animal, vegetable or mineral. It's Nothing Personal when you choose this blouse over that one. It's Nothing Personal when you (rightly) pick Coke over Pepsi. It's Nothing Personal when you like lilacs and not daffodils. It's Fucking Personal when I don't want to go out with you - or stand you up - or criticize your existence - or trash the way you screw. It's Way Personal when I do go out with you - and screw you - and think about what might be if things go well and the planets align. And it's Absolutely Personal when there's some aftermath to that and you think an explanation is beneath you. (Insert Primal Scream here)

There. Thanks for listening.

It was Nothing Personal.

Boundaries

So My Therapist Says we should be developing a relationship: a psychological, emotional, erotic, romantic relationship that I can use as a learning tool to improve my chances in the outside world. A seldom used French phrase heard only in the provinces leapt immediately to mind: "Est-ce que vous êtes out of your fucking mind?"

I explained that while I appreciated the theory behind his suggestion, I was not inclined to "let go" and indulge in a pseudo-relationship for $110 an hour that included neither dinner nor an orgasm. I think I called him a whore. I'm sure I called him a whore. I definitely called him a whore. "What in God's name would make you think," I asked aloud, "that I'm going to go down that road with you and then turn it all off when the little clock dings and I write my check?"

"Oh the money," My Therapist Says, "...that's just a boundary." I laughed - and not politely.

"You only ever hear that line from the person taking the money," I said - virtually obliterating the entire psychoanalytic profession in one derisive swipe. I might also have said, "Boundary, my ass." I'm sure I said that. I definitely said that. "Just like you only hear ugly people say 'Beauty is only skin deep' and only rich people say 'Money is no object'," I added. The money is just a boundary. Fall in love for 50 minutes once a week. Indeed.

He tried to bait me by suggesting that he was more than happy to keep things blithe and glib. "Like 90% of my patients", he said. Now, I am bright, but I confess I am not the sharpest tack in the drawer. More than once, however, I have found it helpful to take the advice of the 90% and leave the 10% swingin' in the wind. This is one of those rare occasions where I can find some small solace among the majority. And it's likely to stay that way.

Until I can wrap my apparently resistant brain around the notion that I am to all but fall in love with My Therapist for 50 minutes and $110 a week, we are going to continue to enjoy one another's glib and blithe presence or we will not enjoy one another at all. I finally just asked, "Are you hitting on me?" He dismissed the question out of hand. I am no egotist (although I think I was called a narcissist at least once today), but I think I'm onto something here. The lady on the Sopranos never tried to get Tony to fall in love with her. I either mis-heard something or we have what the Portuguese call "un failure to communicate". Either way, I am not having anything approaching an erotic or romantic relationship with anyone who is taking my money and setting the timer to 50 minutes. Not as long as I'm ambulatory, leastwise. The very notion. I was not raised among parasols and juleps, but I do have my notions of propriety. That suggestion breached every lovin' last one of them.

He said something about me trying to protect my mother. I gasped and laughed at the same time, which will send the fluid in your throat directly into your sinus cavity and is not fun. It was out of the blue and apropos of nothing and caught me so off guard that I did minor bodily harm to myself just reacting. I was still in the throes of "romantic, erotic relationship" when he heaved that one at me. I thought one of the two of us had gone off the deep end and I knew I was still standing on dry land. He talked about the perfect connection we all look to mamas for as infants. I added that nobody gets that. He concurred and suggested we continue to look for it in life, which is reasonable, but classic Freud and not this year's news. Plus, it's debatable as to its relevance - especially among gay males. I do not long for a titty because I did not get one. I promise. And I have references.

I mentioned that I consciously seek out men who I perceive to be obviously "flawed" in some way because I can feel some camaraderie among the imperfect of this world. That's where I got the label "narcissist". And I thought I was just being reasonable in dating chubby guys and maximizing my chances for a date on any given Friday night. I'm "narcissistic", the contention goes, because I look for men to whom I can feel superior, he misinterpreted. Actually, I just look for guys who are bigger than me because, while I'm being concerned about how large my nose looks in profile, they're likely aware that their abs are tucked away under 20 years of Doritos and Budweiser. And that's OK. I'm imperfect, you're imperfect. Now we can have sex - or a relationship - or whatever and just have all the physical imperfections balanced out up front. It's not about feeling better than them. It's about feeling equal to them. But if it makes him happy to hang "narcissist" around my neck, that's OK by me. I am still not being goaded into a "romantic, erotic" relationship with this man for as long as I am paying him.

I do admit that were there no money and no 50-minute timer involved, I would go out with the guy - at least once. He seemed offended that I laughed at the notion. That strikes me as odd if I'm in the 90% who apparently prefer blithe and glib to playing house for money. I'm guessing I'm not the first one to decline this particular offer. Psychoanalysis be damned. I am not letting some man in my head to toy with my love buttons - let alone go down the erotic path - and then send me back out into society to pine about it for 6 days and 23 hours. How desperate do I seem to him, anyway? The very nerve.

He also insisted that I was in love with The Rooster. Now THAT'S offensive. Just because I remain marginally pissed over how that shook out does not mean I was, ergo, in love with him. I get this mad without being in love. Ask anybody who ever worked for me. Ask anybody I ever worked for. Ask anybody who ever knew me. I can get - and stay - this mad for a very long time without ever having been in like, let alone love. I told him that The Rooster owes me an explanation - not because of any commitments involved - but because I am an adult (whether the Rooster so-identifies or not).

So all in all, we went a few rounds today. I like to think I won at least 2 out of 3. "The money is just a boundary." I told him I was going to write that one down. And I did.

Three times.

Hear the cock crow?

Playing on Easter

I did not make it to church Sunday morning. Even when I was a regular, back in the day, I didn't much care for the "S'posed To's".

I must have led the worship service ("song service" as we simple folk called it) for three years or so at Pappy's church and always caused a commotion come the holidays. I did not think we needed to sing the same 8 songs that had always been sung on the holidays. I like "He Arose" just as much as the next guy born in 1923, but it gets a little clichéd by the 73rd Easter or so. The Church of My Choice had a sunrise service at 6:30 a.m. this Easter. I explained to someone that I would not love the Lord less at 11 a.m. than I might at 6:30 a.m., so the sun would rise without me, not upon me. I have paid my dues where sunrise services are concerned. I think they're mostly attended by masochists, insomniacs and people with too much time on their hands, anyway.

I drove an hour and a half to have Easter lunch with my grandma, Pappy (who looked very, very thin and old), my aunts, uncles and many cousins (who have procreated profusely). Mom and dad were there. We have a barometer for these occasions: how many of the 10 of us in my generation actually appear. This was an 8. Not bad. My generation hid eggs for the next one. Three groups of searchers this year: "I Can Almost Tell An Egg By Its Shape", "I Know This Game and Will Knock You Down To Get An Egg" and "Pick It Up and Shake It. If It Has Money, Keep It, If Not, Leave It." I hid eggs for the latter.

We informed the older (9 to 13 year-old money grubbers) that when WE were children, the only thing inside our egg was...well....egg. You had two choices; eat it or pitch it. Now, the eggs they find contain coins or candy. They looked at us like we'd come over in covered wagons. I like being this old. I know things. I cheated on behalf of the less aggressive boy, a son of my cousin. I would not-very-surreptitiously point out the general vicinity of eggs I spied after the other monsters had left the vicinity. This year's eggs were plastic, as they have been for a while now. Some of the kids colored eggs, I learned, but they weren't among what we hid. I thought that was missing the point of the Easter Egg Hunt: Pagan Ritual meets Christian Crucifixion Fixation, Results in Sulfur Smell by May. But what do I know?

I got home in time to catch Sunday Evening service at church: a dicey proposal. But I went anyway. Far fewer folks go to church on Sunday night, so you're practically committing to a conversation just by showing up. It was nice. Their drummer hadn't shown up, for whatever reason, so the pastor looked down from her perch and asked of me, "Do you play drums?" Out of shock and respect, I answered - too completely. "NO, ma'am! I play piano." I could have left the second half out and saved myself a world of interaction that followed.

I was invited on the spot to prove it, basically. I declined. No sense touching their pretties and then being I.D.'d as the fag who tickled their ivories. Not yet, anyway. Two of the "band" invited me to Dairy Queen and it didn't feel like the lead-up to an inquisition, so I went. I had a banana split and didn't offer anymore than "nothing" when asked, yet again, what I "do". They invited me back to their home for a jam session that they routinely have following Sunday night church. We used to have one of those years ago. All of the musicians would get together, run to Taco Bell and then gather somewhere to take out all of our musical frustrations that were pent up after the 173rd playing of "He Arose". It was therapy.

The older lady who plays bass guitar at this church hosted Sunday night's session. Her husband was at home, having refused to go to church that evening. He has Alzheimer's and has just gotten to the persnickety stage. She's not quite sure what he might say when or to whom, so it's just as well, she advised. I played piano, she harmonized and her male friend played mandolin (he helps care for her mister). We made our way through most of the 30 year-old songs they knew by heart and her husband sang along half-heartedly on a few. Half-heartedly....until I hit the first 3 bars of "Have a Little Talk WIth Jesus". I thought he'd come unglued, as we say. His face lit up. Every memory connection in his head was suddenly eloquent with recollection, it seemed. He didn't even look at the page for the words. He knew it by heart. And this time, his heart hadn't failed him.

Let us have a little talk with Jesus.
Let us tell him all about our troubles.
He will hear our faintest cry and
He will answer by and by...

I hadn't met the man before, but I recognized that he had found a spot of lucidity that is getting rarer for him by the day. I played the last few times through the chorus with wet cheeks and watered eyes. It's a good thing I can play by ear. I'd have never seen the notes. And I don't even like that song that much. It's certainly not one of the ones that tug at my heart. But that old man and his moment... But for a slip of the tongue when the lady asked me if I drummed, I'd have missed it.

That was worth playing on Easter.

Second

I gave in. I turned on the Air Conditioner. But I only did it after I learned that Mom & Dad had turned theirs on first. I already wear the Holiday Weenie Sash for perpetually being the first one to erect my Christmas Tree. I don't need the Heat Wimp Tiara to go with it.

Second is fine by me. Always has been. I remember at my last (and by that, I mean final) employer, the question arose "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered without hesitation, "Second-in-command". Think about it - elbow-deep in power and influence, a heartbeat away from a lifetime of ulcers, but none of the Ultimate Responsibility that rests with The One At The Top. I ain't as dumb as I look. I got every job I applied for at that company - and a couple I hadn't applied for. I think I'd have made it to second, if I'd had time.

Second is good when you're going into uncharted waters, too. I do not have pride in discovery and unique adventures never before known to man. I'm very much OK to let someone else work out the kinks and then try it myself. My name won't go in any history books, but I'll take some of the same rides as those that do. In no lifetime could I imagine being the person at the front of the cavalry or first in line to go through the swamp...none of that. Cowardly? Fine. Call it what you will. I think it's the wisdom of The Second.

My buddy Joe showed up at our Friday Night Dinner last night with his partner - two weeks to the day after having his breastbone cracked like a walnut for multiple bypasses. He described in too great detail what he perceived when he awoke after surgery. I remembered when they'd called me during The Tour in 1983 to tell me that my father had a massive heart attack and may not make it until - or through - surgery. I got on a roach-infested Greyhound bus near Gatlinburg, TN and made it to Kansas City in time to tell his sedated and unconscious form - before surgery - that I really didn't like him very much. When he made it through, he became a different person. We were given a second chance, as the cliche-lobbers would call it. I knew it was none of my business whether Joe had any of those second-chance thoughts. But I wondered anyway.

It's hard to be first anymore. It's almost all been done. Someone quizzed me last night about the details of my last dating experience. It was nice to have someone affirm that they'd been down that very road. They had the same story to tell. I knew I wasn't the first one to make that mistake. But it was sure nice hearing it from somebody who really knew what it was like. I wasn't even the first one in that little room. I was second.

Second is Pretty Damn Good without the press conference. It's still a ribbon, just of a different hue. It's all the self-satisfaction along with someone to vilify or worship, depending on how you tilt, all rolled up in one. Second is better than damn near everybody and the one exception could have been a fluke. Second has possibility and aspirations built into it. Second is anonymous through all of time except to himself. First is just first. It's great, but so much less textured.

Second, though... Second is next. By its definition, almost, it is more of an anticipation than a failure. It's less shortcoming than modesty. It's where I'm comfortable. In second.

Just a second.

Last One In

"....is a ROTTEN EGG," we used to say.

I phoned Mama this morning (6 blocks away) to coordinate Holy Weekend details. I did not mention that mine would likely begin with a little Herbal Homage. The High-Churchers have their incense, I have mine. Don't judge. It's helped me add 50 pounds and distinctly improves my demeanor - if only temporarily.

Speaking of demeanor and bad eggs, Mama tossed out this bon mot today when asked if she was taking the half-Catholic grandchildren to church on Holy Friday:

"If MY grandchildren don't want to go to church on Holy Friday, fuck it!"

I thought that summarized My Mama fairly succinctly. Anybody who can work Holy Friday, grandchildren, and "fuck it" into the same sentence without spending days on end working it out is all right by me. And so we begin the Passion. Today we will bury one another repeatedly under a load of orders and recriminations for past Easters gone bad. Hams will be forgotten and blame will be laid. Pies will be mis-made and names will be called. Someone will head to the in-laws instead and be badmouthed as though they'd driven the nails into Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ themselves.

Too few Easter baskets will have too little candy. Too few eggs will have been colored to be hidden for the too few great-grandchildren who still look for eggs. Too few of those eggs will be found and will become May's Mystery Odor in someone's guttering.

I will make my now-standard cameo appearance at the Y'all Come. I'm bringing 7-Cup Salad, a staple from my childhood that is ambrosia-like, except that my grandma always told us it was NOT ambrosia. So it's 7-Cup Salad (that may resemble, in part, the ambrosia of your memory):

7-Cup Salad

Fruit Cocktail - drained
Mandarin Oranges - drained
Pineapple Bits (not chunks, as they are too large and not crushed, as it is too wet)
Cool-Whip
Marshmallows (The little ones - and not the colored ones. That's just un-natural.)
Coconut

The proportions are indeterminate and sort of tailored to your tastes. We like ours very fruity yet very cool-whippy, also. A couple of the cousins profess an aversion to coconut. They can leave it out when they make it - which has been something of an issue on recent holidays. Somewhere along the line, 7-Cup Salad got dropped off the menu and I find this unacceptable. Traditions do not get born every day and they should not be allowed to die simply because someone does not think of bringing the salad. Whoever used to make it should have very specifically handed off the responsibility to someone else. That is all I have to say about that.

The temperatures reached 88 degrees yesterday here on the prairie. The indoor temperature reached 86. I made a pact with myself (and the devil, it would appear) that I was not turning on the air conditioner. I knew it was going to be 65 degrees eventually and I am increasingly resentful of throwing money at energy companies. So I slept with the windows open and now I think I'm dying. I have a tonsil the size of a golf ball, leakage from my ear, nose and throat and that very special dry-mouth that only Sudafed can give.

I talked to Christi last night and all but dared her to turn on her A/C so I could go sit where it's cool. No dice. She has more stamina by far than I do. When I called Mama this morning, the first thing I said was, "First one to turn on their A/C is a rotten egg!" Her response:

"Can you smell me now?"

And so Easter begins.

Church Lady

No, not that one.

Sunday I made my second consecutive trip to our local Assembly of God. I know, I know. I always say that if you go, you should go big. Why bother trying to hide among the Episcopals when you could cause a stir among the Pentecostals? It's where I'm from, it's what I know. It's what I think of when I think of church.

When you hit twice in a row, you invite closer scrutiny. It's not unlike the waiter who notices the same couple seated in his section two nights in a row. It's something remarked upon, most likely. Conversations begin. People talk. That sort of thing. In many church circles, I understand, if there is an object aside from worship it is the art of being noticed. Simply arriving and staying with some degree of style is the point of many church outings, I gather. Not so in most Pentecostal circles. The point of attendance in our churches is to show up, show off, and show your Bible.

If you arrive at a Pentecostal church without a Bible in hand, we know you either didn't mean to come to church or you are a heathen in need of churching - and a Bible, most likely. The Bible itself says much about you. In no few buildings, anything other than a King James Bible will earn you the label of "heretic", which is a nice way of saying that you're too lazy or too stupid to muddle through King James English. The obvious inference is also that God Hisself uses the King James Bible so why can't you? The proportions of your Bible also say a lot about who you are. Size matters. Very large means you mean it. Extremely small may mean you already know it so well you don't need the full-sized version. In-between sized makes you suspect as somebody who only dusts it off for Sunday morning.

The real proof is in how many notations you've made within its covers, though. If you are an inveterate note-taker in the margins, you must surely be a Christian. A smart person will notate a new Bible with their old notes before hauling it to church, just so no one gets the wrong idea. It's a lot like breaking in a new baseball glove. Once when I was in church, the Pastor invited everyone to open their Bibles to the Book of (X) Chapter (Y) Verse (#). He graciously noted that if you did not have your own Bible, you could look on with the person to your left or right. After he located the passage himself, he paused and instructed the congregation that "if someone is looking on with you because they have no Bible... ask them where they thought they were going when they left the house."

We also watch for whether you know the choreography. Do you know when and how to raise your hands? Do you dance appropriately, but not lustfully, if you choose to dance? Do you know the Pentecostal Stomp? Do you know the art of the well-placed "Amen"? And do you know that real Christians pronounce that word "A Man"? These are the things we evaluate when newcomers enter our midst. This is also why we get few newcomers in our midst.

This is how we have church.

So Sunday, I began the gauntlet that will stretch until I spill my guts or they are spilled for me by way of ritual disembowelment - in the nicest possible way, of course. I escaped the first week with a cursory nod and pleasant, though brief, exchange with Pastor Judy. That's heresy in 90% of Pentecostal circles - the woman pastor. But there you go. Progress everywhere. In week two I was commandeered in my pew by an as-yet-unnamed assailant who approached with a smile and an outstretched hand - the way they do.

"Welcome! I hope you enjoy church this morning. Our pastor is wonderful!"

"Thank you!" (I've been here twice and she's sincere but so-so and you clearly overuse superlatives.)

"So are you visiting Mayberry or do you live here?"

"Oh, I live here!" (But now you're edging up on nosy because that's really none of your business if you're neither assessing property taxes nor taking my ballot.)

"Where in Mayberry do you live?"
"Near the First Church Of The Holy Haymaker." (This question is intended to elicit a more specific response so they can verify you aren't lying about your residency - an evident sign of perdition - and so that they can drive by to see if you smoke. Really.)

"What do you do?"
This question means something entirely different in gay circles and is one of those times where you have to check your environs before you answer. I almost used my standard, "What don't I do?" with a wink. Her bun would have fallen clean off her head. Instead, I went with,

"Nothing."
"Well," she spat and drew herself up as high as osteoporosis and 60-some years of farm life would allow, "THAT can't be very profitable!!"

"You'd be surprised, " I said.

She just sort of wandered off the way you do when you've seen your cat evaporated by a lightning bolt or when you whack your forehead on the monkey bars in grade school. She'll be back. She's taking the week to both spread the intriguing news and to gather more Socratic ammunition to ferret out the truth that underlies my story.

Now I have two reasons to go back. One is legit - I was truly blessed by being in service on Sunday. I felt like I got what I went after. But the other one is purely maniacal: How long can I hold off Churl-lock Holmes and the Holy Beehives before they nail me as a Sinner Saved By Grace? And how long before we have the discussion about how some sin is a LOT more icky (if not a LOT more sinful) than other sin. Like I said before, that script is already written and just needs a little dusting off to be ready.

Bring on the Church Lady.

Talk

The Man On The Radio said that our culture has lost the value of dependability. He alleges that kids no longer think of Dad as the person who will always be there, no matter what. Spouses no longer assume that they'll have the honor and fidelity of their mates 'til death do they part. Employees don't count on the loyalty of their employer and vice-versa. That got me thinking.

I believe that when two people get together and pursue the possibility of long-term survival as a pair, it's Circle The Wagons Time. I get that from my family, I think. I always knew that come hell, high water or tramp in hot pants, my father and my grandfathers and my uncles were bound by cords of honor to their wives. I always knew that when you say you love, you don't get to take that back absent some MAJOR intervening circumstance. There hasn't been a divorce on my father's side of the family tree in all of recorded time. We have a history of Meaning It.

So what happens when someone who Circles The Wagons to incubate a relationship meets someone who is the product of broken honor, empty promises, and fleeing family? What happens when a narcissistic (My Therapist's word, not mine) sonofabitch (my word, not My Therapist's) meets up with someone looking for honor and fidelity and a chance to make it work? Disaster, evidently. But how do you know in advance? And how do you let yourself off the hook if you had every reason to know in advance - yet did it anyway?

I saw The Rooster today which is why The Man On The Radio caught my attention, I think. I don't miss him anymore. I do still feel a reaction, though, that is 3 parts anger to 1 part pity. Radio Man said he wakes up as a father and a husband wondering not what he'll do to satisfy himself on any given day, but focused on what his family needs from him. Two possibilities exist: He's a pathological liar with a radio program (no shortage of those) or he's telling the truth and there are people like that. Do we call people like that martyrs or are they simply honorable in a world that no longer honors honor? Are they devoid of self-worth or simply selfless in the best sense of that word? And how do you know the difference? How do you find those guys?

Is it, as they would have us believe, impossible for a man to find a man with appreciation for the old-fashioned, some might say "biblical", values of honor, fidelity, and worth? I don't buy it. I think they're out there. I believe that there are men who honor one another and put each other's good above their own. I believe that there are men who commit and Mean It. I believe that. I have to. There is no reason to wake up otherwise.

This week alone, I've been invited to have sex with a stranger in a public restroom in a park at a lake. Scenic, to be sure, but SO twenty years ago for me. I said yes out of being flattered but will call him back and cancel. In the last week, I watched 20 minutes of a silent video that was an Asian man with an enema bag. It was train-wreck riveting. In the last week, I stood in church and raised my hands and could not stop my eyes from welling up as we sang, "Holy, Holy, Holy". Half in and half out. Neither hot nor cold. Dedicated to more than one direction.

I know what my faith says about these things. I know what my culture says, too. I wonder if either of those voices in my head are my own. I know that my heart connected with the lyrics to Sunday's song that I'd never heard:

We fall down
We lay our crowns
At the feet of Jesus

The greatness of
Mercy and love
At the feet of Jesus

We cry holy, holy, holy
We cry holy, holy, holy
We cry holy, holy, holy
Is the lamb (By Chris Tomlin)

Nothing else is connecting like that is nowadays. I wish I had someone with whom to go on this part of the journey. The spirit trip is the hardest one to take alone, I think. I manage the day-to-day of this world pretty well - better than most, probably. But the song of the heart, the soul, the spirit, the mind - whatever your paradigm allows... That's the hardest solo to sing.

I can remember being here before. It's a life path déjà-vu. The confusion becomes too great and I bail out before I can achieve reconciliation (which presumes it can be had). One gets thrown overboard and one gets inflated beyond its reasonable role. This isn't new. Talking about it, though..... That's new. I wonder if it changes things. I wonder if it changes things for the better.

Can we talk?

Making My Bed

I sat this evening mesmerized by the sparks of a bonfire as they took flight toward the sky. The moon was in its place and I was surrounded by friends and the sound of children's laughter as they ran in the dark among the horses and dogs. Goats complained in the background. I stared into the fire and heard my grandfather's repeated advice that "hedge burns hotter", whatever that means.

My bathroom is quite nearly remodeled. My therapist is more enlightened by me than I am by him some days, I think. For $110 an hour, I think I'm highly entertaining. We may be reaching the end of its usefulness. I had recorded a program that I had yet to watch on TV so I tuned it in after returning from the bonfire in the country. Among the singing was a Psalm, delivered in its historical context. It wasn't written for me and yet I think it was written for all of us. I came home from the party with such a sense of peace and contentment - in spite of everything that contraindicates those things. The psalm rang especially true for me who has made a lot of beds in which I'm now sleeping. It helped me bring my halves together.

For Everyone Who Ever Questioned or Wondered
For Anyone Who Ever Faltered or Wandered
For Me and For The Rest Of Us Who Sometimes Don't Fit

"To
The Chief Musician:

Psalm 139
1. O Lord, you have searched me and
you know me.
2. You know when I sit and when I rise, you perceive my
thoughts from afar.
3. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are
familiar with all my ways.
4. Before a word is on my tongue you know it
completely, O Lord.
5. You hem me in - and behind and before; you have laid
your hand upon me.
6. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for
me to attain.
7. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your
presence?
8. If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in
the depths, you are there.
9. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I
settle on the far side of the sea,
10. even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
11. If I say, "Surely the darkness will
hide me and the light become night around me, "
12. even the darkness will
not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light
to you.
13. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my
mother's womb.
14. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15. My frame was not hidden
from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the
depths of the earth,
16. your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days
ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17.
How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18. Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of the sand. When
I awake, I am still with you...
23. Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24. See if there is any offensive way
in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."

May we all have peace in the beds we've made.

Fifty and One

I think I failed to mention, amidst the tangle of plumbing and sheetrock and new bathroom thingamabobs, that I made it to church on Sunday.

I sat among the Fifty who attended and enjoyed myself and the practice of my faith immensely. When you sit among the Fifty, you are most definitely identified as The One. Most of The Fifty want to meet The One and find out who he is, where he's from, how he's doing, why he's there, will he be back and, ultimately, Does He Know The Lord? I attempted a quick slip out the door before the predictable onslaught could occur, but the 65 year old lady pastor was faster than I had given her credit for being and I held the last note of Blessed Assurance a little longer than I should have and I was caught.

Since I don't hear well, especially with background chatter, I thought she asked me how I was doing and I answered, "Fine, thanks!" She repeated, "Who do we have with us today?" I assumed it wasn't a pop quiz on the names of The Fifty, so I coughed up my first name, figuring she would have an arduous task of narrowing me down in the phone book that way. She is serious and dour in that friendly way that pastors are supposed to be. I think that's to encourage you to impose on them with your troubles while at the same time making sure you don't impose willy-nilly for the little things. That's a skill worth perfecting, I think.

I was grinning throughout the service as she preached on II Corinthians I, Paul's second (presumably) letter to the church at Corinth. I've been thinking a lot about the man with whom I've made contact - the one who is locked in the church for a variety of reasons and struggling to make sense out of and peace with his sexual orientation and his faith. I thought of him, me and so many others when Paul wrote in verse 3 of "The Father of Mercies and The God of All Comfort".

Ms. Pastor read on through verse 4 where Paul wrote that The God of All Comfort does his comforting "SO THAT we may be able to comfort them who are in any trouble. (5) As sufferings abound, so our consolation also abounds..."

I grinned because I had been drawn back to that song from my childhood, "He Giveth More Grace" in the previous week. And there I sat listening about the Father of All Mercies and the purpose for our having been offered comfort - to offer it to others. And I thought a little of helping my friends who had just been through the nightmare of open-heart surgery. I felt good about myself and realized there was a larger context for such not-so-random acts of kindness.

Ms. Pastor shared her story of beginning in ministry at age 14 and how she had endured a "proving" of the ministry, as we call it. My thoughts skipped to the 23rd Psalm, so beloved and well-known by even the unchurched. And it occurred to me, in the spirit of "proving", that there is a distinct and important difference between what King David wrote "Yea, though I walk through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death..." and being able to say "Hey, now I've walked through The Valley Of The Shadow Of Death..." That's what we call a "proving". And I smiled again because I felt like I sat there as a proven man of faith, not an interloper.

None of the emotions and fears that I'd anticipated materialized. They shook my hand and sang some of my favorite songs. They even sang a hymn written by Ira Stanphill, who I never met, but whose daughter was my pastor's wife in Omaha, Nebraska for a number of years. Good people, they. I'm glad I made it this week. I think I'll be back again. In the great equalizing of the cosmos that some call Karma and some call Faith, I love leaving with this promise:

"As sufferings abound, so our consolation abounds." II Cor. 1:5

Consoled am I. Amen.

M.I.A.

Just a brief note to assure the few who asked: I am not dead. I am enduring what the ancient Greeks called "Bathroom Remodeling". Since the computer sits against a wall shared with the bathroom, it has been largely unused since the demolition began.

I am stealing a moment before the workers arrive to commence reconstructing what will be a real tub and shower in my formerly sub-par loo.

I did not win at Bingo, though Mama did. I went for a walk with My One Drunk Friend and think I broke something in the sole of my foot. I discovered how easy it is to take down plaster and lath (which all of my walls seem to be) and have evil designs on the rest of my exterior walls - none of which appear to be insulated in the least. I am thrilled at the prospect of a do-it-yourself project that I may actually have the stamina to do. I know nothing of hanging sheetrock, so that will be a "I'll cook if you hang, tape and mud" trade-off with some of the neighbors who know about such things. Then I'll bat my eyes at my sister for the painting.

My buddy is out of the hospital and recuperating at home from 4 bypasses, not six as anticipated. That's a relief. I don't like all that many people and I'm a little sick of losing the ones I can stomach. So bullet averted. I hope he slows down and enjoys things a little more. He's neat to have around.

Thank you all for the kind words and expressions while I've been on this brief hiatus. Contrary to popular opinion, I was not mourning The Death of Evening News As We Know It over the Katie Couric announcement. I only ever watched CBS News to see if Bob Schieffer would actually meet his maker on the air. I wonder if they'll use the Mary Tyler Moore show theme song as the CBS Evening News soundtrack when Katie takes the chair:

Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

To hell with Mrs. Robinson, where have you gone Arthur Kent, Stone Phillips, David Bloom, and Peter Jennings? Brian Williams is wonderful, to be sure. And I realize Stone Phillips is largely among the living still. But Arthur, David and Peter...those were men who made you aware of just how much manliness was left out of your DNA. They were someone to aspire to...if not as role-models then as carnal fantasies. Nobody ever said that about Connie Chung.

I doubt they'll say it about Katie Couric. Sigh.

Grace Under Fire

Annie Johnson Flint had arthritis so bad that she clutched a pencil in her gnarled claw of a hand and scratched out lyrics on a board hung over her bed.

Orphaned as a toddler, shuttled between foster homes, and adopted by strangers, she had every claim to bitterness and hopelessness. Then came the crippling arthritis that would kill her at a young age. There weren't many easy days for Annie. At the turn of the 20th Century, there weren't many treatments, either. The lady sucked up her situation and wrote...and wrote...and wrote.

When I was a child, my grandma had a record album that was recorded by the niece of a family friend. That singer was named Kim Russell and she never achieved fame outside of my grandma's living room. When technology first advanced, in the 1970's, I begged for this one record to be put on audio cassette so I could listen to it in my bedroom at night - on low - so no one would know. Kim Russell had an alto, almost tenor, voice that matched well with my soon-to-be baritone. One song from that muffled recording worked its way into my consciousness at a very young age. I heard it a few days ago for the first time in two decades.

I also heard, in brief, the story of the writer of the song. The back story always makes the finished product so much more interesting. Since it's Sunday and I'll toy with notion of going to church again today, I give you a glimpse into the fixation of an 8 year old. I don't know where Kim Russell is today or if she ever recorded again, but her aunt, Jeannie Hayden, has been gone now for many years. Jeannie Hayden was the most glamorous woman I'd ever seen in church. She wore bright colors, her hair was dyed just so, her makeup was a Dolly Parton Paint Job - only holier and more awe-inspiring up close. More than a few times I went to church just to see Jeannie Hayden - and to see if her niece would come to church and sing That Song.

"He giveth more grace when the burden grows greater.
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase.
To added affliction, He addeth his mercy.
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit.
His grace has no measure.
His power has no boundary known unto men.
For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we've reached the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving has only begun.

His love has no limit.
His grace has no measure.
His power has no boundary known unto men.
For out of his infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth and giveth and giveth again."
--Annie Johnson Flint and Hubert Mitchell, 1941

Fast Forward

So My Therapist Says, "You have no problem entertaining yourself whatsoever, do you?"

Well, no. No, I don't. But that's the very last time I go to therapy without getting a nap in first. I'd been up since Oh-Dark-Hundred Hours, sat the hospital vigil through the bypass surgery and then repaired to a friend's place for the afternoon until my appointment. When I get tired, I get a little wired, unedited and manic..ish. Then I crash. The show was worth the price of admission, I suppose.

We talked about these ramblings from the past couple of weeks, updated him on not smoking (I had a couple yesterday...sympathy cigarettes). We talked about the religion thing. I laid down the law, as I'd learned it about 1) No Graven Images 2) Mary is a nice lady - only and 3) No Praying To Dead People. We talked about how I can't do the Metropolitan Community Church thing because it's so watered-down as to be unrecognizable as Christianity, to me. And my tenure in The Church of My Choice is always limited by the first time someone takes a potshot at gays or links their political party to my faith. I noted the times I've responded to pious women who thought they were called to lecture me on homosexuality. My response begins, "Paul said women were to be silent in church. If you get to pick which ones you follow, so do I." I don't end up being welcomed back in those places with open arms, which is fine. I know I'm burning the bridge when I open my mouth.

Leaving the doctor's office, I saw a shaggy, hulking, shirtless man who was captivating in his sensuality. My mind automatically fast-forwarded through the hypothetical playing out from our meeting through the possible conclusion. It all happened in a matter of seconds - while I sat at the light. I wondered if I'm the only person who does that. Does everyone fast-forward on What If? When you meet someone, do you run the logarithm of possible outcomes and see, if through a glass darkly, the small number of possible conclusions, for better or for worse? And do you act within that hypotheticlal paradigm, responding to imagined intentions and anticipating a fictitious history that has yet to occur? I think I might. Is that odd?

I realized sitting at that stoplight, quite out of the blue and apropos of nothing whatsoever, that I pre-plan conversations, anticipate situations and script their scenes for future use. I think that may form the basis of why some people think me articulate or well-spoken. It's not that I'm quick on my feet. I just have a good memory. I've had that conversation a hundred times before it ever presented itself. Is that a psychosis? Or is it a gift? It does fill the empty spaces and, I suppose, is one way I entertain myself in my dotage.

The realization also hit me that I bring that same sense of faux-prescience to the table in relationships. I react as though things that have yet to happen are sure to happen. I bob and weave and dodge detours keeping to the script and the blocking I've already seen in my mind. Not bad...except the other person hasn't seen the script and doesn't realize it's a show. Since they're the unwitting star, I can see how that might pose a minor problem. I can see how simple impatience can be mistaken for psychic ability. Why wait for the playing out if you can blurt it out before it happens and hope that the world will turn within your own prophetically prescribed orbit?

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. James 1:2-4

Wanting nothing. Wanting nothing. Now there's a hook line.

Wouldn't that be nice?

Ivory Therapy

I made a commitment to my old friend Paula, when she was diagnosed with liver cancer weeks ago, that I would sit at the piano and pound out a "Praise Offering", as it's called, on her behalf daily. I've been there a lot lately. It seems to be the thing I can do most honestly to bring whatever is up there down into these situations.

When my One Drunk Friend ("Mama and My One Drunk Friend", February archives) stopped by before Christmas to regale me with What A Friend We Have In Jesus several times over, I nudged him over on the bench and did a couple rounds of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness". He was surprised in that way that drunk folks tend to be. He got shy about playing and said something about not having taken as many lessons as I did. I told him something I'd never told anyone outside The Church: I've never had a lesson.

When I went to college, lived with Grandma and Pappy, and took to singing regularly in church, I was forever in need of an accompanist. The gracious ladies who obliged me never declined but even just to bellow on my own time was less than fulfilling without some accompaniment. I got frustrated. I hadn't yet completely sold out to the notions of prayer, faith, and the supernatural. I ended up after services one Sunday night locked in a momentous conversation with one of the ladies of the congregation. We talked about prayer and how I wished I was fully convinced of its efficacy. This was in the early days of The Faith Movement.

The Faith Movement, at its inception, had ordinary people running around "Confessin' and Possessin'" as we called it. The notion was - and is - that if you could say it, you could have it. The Bible does, indeed, note that "...the power of life and death is in the tongue..." This particular theology takes note, as well, that several times throughout the Bible, God "calls things that are not as though they are". (Ex: He called Abraham a father of many nations when he was, in fact, the father of but one bastard child.) This was the environment in which I was quickly coming of age.

In that conversation after church, I arrogantly and dismissively ended the exchange with some version of "If God answers prayer, I want to play the piano." I didn't think much more of it. Some time later - I don't recall if it was days or weeks - I happened through the Fellowship Hall where there was a small, tan console piano with a sheet of music propped on it. I sat at the keyboard and in an instant the chord markings above the lyrics made perfect sense. To this day I cannot explain how, in that moment, the music training I'd had as a vocalist, four years in childhood playing violin, one semester of guitar lessons in high school...How these all converged in that moment and resulted in me playing that song.

I didn't - and don't - have the ability to sit down and sight-read a piece or even learn to play it as written. But with the "tabs" or chords, I can fake my way through almost anything. They make "fake books" for just such a purpose. I bought two of them that just arrived on Tuesday. A trained pianist would probably clutch their pearls in agony to hear me. That's OK. I don't play for them. I play for me. It stopped My One Drunk Friend in his tracks. Because he isn't from inside the circle of those who speak of such things, I didn't tell him how, exactly, I ended up playing the piano without lessons. I'm not entirely sure myself. I don't think it's coincidence that it happened shortly after issuing The Challenge in the sanctuary.

I don't think my ability - such as it is - was intended for anyone's edification so much as my own. It has served that purpose well. The only songs I can play from memory are worship songs, hymns, songs from The Tour. Every time I sit at a piano anywhere, that's what comes out. I suppose that's only right, under the circumstances.

So that's my therapy - outside of Therapy. I thumb through the hymn books, worship books and now my fake books playing until my hands cramp up. It's not something I share with everyone, mainly because it's not "real" piano playing, I guess. And it takes too much explanation, if the question gets asked. My "catalogue" of music isn't for everyone. But it reaches a place in me that often seems so remote. King David, it's written, played the harp in his youth to soothe the anger of King Saul. I get that. I really get that. If there is anything that proves the existence of God, it is once through "I Believe In A Hill Called Mt. Calvary" with Guy Penrod. Music soothes the savage beast. And all that.

Even if you're faking it.

C'est La Guerre

It's funny how the smallest things can keep you from tending to the largest things. I discovered a flat tire on Saturday, which has had me grounded until the local Tire, Bait & Bible shop gets two new ones on Wednesday. Meanwhile, "Joe" ("I'm The Hen", January Archives) had a major heart attack.

I'm trying to organize a Plate-A-Day food rotation among some of the other boys to keep his partner fed. "Tremaine", as he was called in this space earlier, is an insulin-dependent diabetic and isn't paying attention to himself while Joe is hospitalized awaiting 6 (SIX!) bypasses on Friday or thereabouts. I'll head to The City on Thursday and Friday to mother hen a little and try to distract. These are good people. As I've said, I know some good people.

I won't likely visit this space often in the next few days. I'm still not smoking (today at 7 a.m. was 14 days, unless you count....). I have a teensy headache from stress, I'm sure. I've delayed the bathroom remodel until next week to clear the schedule for taking care of The Boys. I'm just two tires shy of a Jewish Mother.

One of my favorite faces in our Friday night dinner group is a retired clown (no, really). He unwittingly reduced me to rubble today. Because everything I've experienced in the last week or so has been filtered through the screen of my faith, for some reason, he brought to mind The Widow's Mite. Now, I don't know if this man subscribes to any religion, faith or practice. But his kindness and generosity out of his need pointed directly to this example from the Gospels when I got his email:

Mark 12:41-44 41 And he sat down over against the treasury, and beheld how the multitude cast money into the treasury: and many that were rich cast in much. 42 And there came a poor widow, and she cast in two mites, which make a farthing. 43 And he called unto him his disciples, and said unto them, Verily I say unto you, This poor widow cast in more than all they that are casting into the treasury: 44 for they all did cast in of their superfluity; but she of her want did cast in all that she had, even all her living.

Luke 21:1-4 1 And he looked up, and saw the rich men that were casting their gifts into the treasury. 2 And he saw a certain poor widow casting in thither two mites. 3 And he said, Of a truth I say unto you, This poor widow cast in more than they all: 4 for all these did of their superfluity cast in unto the gifts; but she of her want did cast in all the living that she had.

I live a comfortable existence without financial worries (today). But this man - and others - have offered out of their need to help these two guys in crisis. What they offer makes a mockery of anything I could give. It's humbling, to say the least. We all share a disease - some more advanced than others - and a name, to some extent. I guess it just strikes me as profound when the help comes from within the circle of affected people. Such a big thing (money) didn't keep him from doing the smallest thing (a plate of food), but my small thing has kept me from doing anything.

The French have a couple of sayings when things deserve little more than a shake of the head. "C'est la vie" is well-known ("That's life!"). I like the other one. It's a little edgier and evokes a lot more with a click of the tongue: "C'est la guerre."

That's war.

Farmisht and Farklempt

Farmisht: (adj.)(Yiddish) Befuddled, mixed up, confused
Farklempt: (adj.)(Yiddish) depressed, distraught; choked up, extremely emotional, on the verge of tears; grieving

How odd that a couple of Yiddish words would best describe my Christian Crisis. My Therapist Would Say this is worth $110. Everyone else would say I'm certifiable. I'm not sure they'd be wrong.

Sometimes, when you get far enough away from something, you get the idea that it would be OK to toy with it. Looking at the sun through a pin-hole box during an eclipse is an example. Lobbing rocks into the Grand Canyon from behind the railing is another. Talking long distance with an old flame....that sort of thing.

I'm not sure exactly how it happened, but I unwittingly invited a Clash of the Titans into my head when I started toying with the notion of going back to church. For several days, I've been listening to little other than Southern Gospel - hymns, most notably. Before I sound truly crazy, let me say that I don't have any doubts about my sexuality. Twenty years has proven it to be pretty much entrenched and undeniable. I'm not close to splitting hairs between "gay" and "homosexual" and giving the keynote address at an Exodus, Int'l convention (which I hear are thinly veiled orgies, anyway). But I've moved two big concepts into one small room of my head and it's gotten pretty crowded.

I've struck up a dialogue with someone who is travelling the same road from the opposite direction, more or less. He's never really left the confines of the Christian fortress but struggles with acknowledging and managing an orientation that seems so incompatible with that world. I left it in a blaze of glory and swore I would never go back. And now I'm inching toward it knowing full well how this plays out in the end. It's not the first time I've inched. I've raced back before. It hasn't ever worked for very long.

This will make no sense to anyone who grew up outside of Fundamental Christianity, so you should stop reading here if you're already confused. My prose is tortured on the best days and today is going to be one of the worst days as I try to get the relevant questions down on paper for my own benefit. I have to enumerate some of my beliefs so I can, at least, see the conflicts. This may be the single craziest thing I've ever done. But I miss it. I can't lie. I miss church and singing and the undeniable presence of the supernatural that only a fool could miss when it happens. We grow up with a belief in those circles that once you've experienced that "touch", you will never walk comfortably outside it. That's probably nothing more than a self-fulfilling prophecy. But maybe it's not.

I believe in God. I believe that I was known before I was born. I also believe that this is a truth outside the limits of what the Constitution allows the government to endorse, so it should not be taught in schools.

I believe that God has a plan for my life, no matter what I wrote before. I believe that individuals can be in and out of God's will. I believe I was supposed to minister. I don't believe that walking away from that made my Grandfather crazy, although that is a tempting, nagging, and narcissistic thought. I've lived 20 years as an openly, happily Gay Man. I've lived half of that time as an openly Gay Man with HIV/AIDS. It doesn't take a genius to figure out whether one can backtrack and pick up where one left off with the ministry gig.

I believe that I am gay, homosexual, etc. Of the Big Three beliefs, this is the one for which I have absolute, irrefutable proof - and references! I believe that I have been so inclined since my youngest memory. I have seen 16 mm film of me on a tricycle at age 3, I think, waving furiously at the camera with a wrist that apparently has no tendons or ligaments. No straight person waves like that - even at age 3. Jokes aside, there wasn't a lot of conscious thought put into this. I was always going to "be this way". I don't know whether I was born this way or made this way. I still don't think it matters. I am this way. That matters.

I believe that one cannot honestly walk away from their love tendency (to take sex out of the equation). I think if we are wired or groomed or born or nudged into a gender attraction that we will always love in that direction. Whether celibacy or pure whoredom ensues does not stop us from loving who we're going to love. No religion I can name identifies the love as bad. They usually focus on the sex. But...and this is where I struggle... Christianity teaches us that "such as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." That's a big one. It seems to say that whether you ever acted on it or not, if the inclination is still there you're still on the cosmic hook for it.

I believe no one has ever gotten out from under the inclination of homosexuality. If true, and if there is no room in heaven for the homo, then anyone with the inclination is "lost" from the outset. One might change one's behaviors, but if the inclination remains, she's putting lipstick on a pig. I wish I didn't believe this dire, damning theory. I wish I didn't. I wish I could embrace both the faith and the faygelah openly and equally and with abandon. But I acknowledge the conflict.

For nearly 20 years, I've tossed my faith overboard to keep the ship afloat. Improbably, it's crawled back aboard - coughing, hacking, a little worse for the wear. It's a little like the soap opera story line where neither the villain nor the heroine ever really dies - no matter what they say. I'm completely flummoxed that I even have this internal crisis going on right now. I'm about as together on this topic as a person gets, I thought.

They used to ask me, during that brief revival when I would "testify" to having lived as a gay man, if it was "gone", if I'd "repented", if I called it "sin". The only answer I could ever use with complete and total honesty was, "I want God's best for me." I did. And I do.

I spent all day yesterday locked indoors banging my head against the wall with this, telling myself to snap out of it. Nothing snapped. Nothing clicked, either. I told someone yesterday this is a little like ripping stitches out and hoping your arm doesn't fall off. It's a lot like picking at a scab and being fascinated that the wound is still there. Both sides of my brain insist that the whole would be a lot better off without the other half. That's the very definition of crazy, I'm sure.

No wonder I've ended up in the ditch.

Life Is Good

I've stopped counting my smokeless age in hours. It's days upon days now. Today was 11 days (unless you're rigid and legalistic and make me start over from The Friday Night Fall 9 days ago). I am eleven days cigarette-sober. Now I only think about it when I smell it.

Not much to report today. I'm impressed that I didn't get a stack of flaming emails from blog-reading militia men in Idaho after yesterday's post. Maybe we're reaching a point where we can say what's on our minds without impugning each other's citizenship. Wouldn't that be nice. Either way, kudos to the wingnuts...at least until I get the first piece of hate mail. I know those corners of society where there is little more offensive than a queer badmouthing the military and G.W. I know those corners well.

I have most of my M.B.A. to go with my other degrees. I will tell you that in one of the upper-echelon universities in this fair country of ours, there is a hard financial fact that they do not teach in business school. Some of my professors came from Harvard, Yale, Michigan - the big boy schools. They never mentioned this principle. I am doing a little karmic balancing by revealing it here - for the benefit of others. Ready?

Financial Fact: When you have committed to writing a large check for a major expense, such as a bathroom remodel, there will be one large emergency expense AND one very attractive purchase that will confront you in the same pay period.

Flat tire. Four DVD's, Five CD's - $99.95. Gaither Homecoming Series. I haven't been spending the money on smoking. In eleven days, I've saved $44.11. The music really only cost me $55.84, if you think about it. Plus, I love that music and they don't judge when I sing along. My neighbor in the unfortunately-painted Orange House is an auto mechanic. They know something's wrong with me - physically - so he didn't even balk when I sheepishly asked if he could get the donut on and the flat tire off. I know some good people. And it's not their fault the house is orange. They're just renting.

When people ask where I live - and they always ask where I live - the conversation always concludes with "Oooohhhhh...next to The Orange House?" I know full well that much of the traffic past my little corner has nothing to do with daily errands. Some of them make the trip on the off-chance they might catch The Gay Guy and The Orange House in the same tableau. The house is more unique than I am around town. They might not know, but I do, that I am (at best) one of seven gay men in town. I think every time I go through the checkout line without a vibrator, tofu and a stack of Playgirls, they must scratch their heads and vow to watch Will & Grace more often. It's nice to be noticed.

No headache today. No Shoe-in-Glue mouth this morning. I forgot to take the diuretic this afternoon, so I'll be up all night peeing - again. I think the headache and what-not was more sinus-related than anything. I did good, though. I didn't take a single pill - other than Tylenol - to blunt the pain. That's big for me. I do not tolerate pain. If this were 1835, I would endure pain. In 2006, there is no reason to be in pain - over anything. We have enough pills, gas and liquor to numb anything. I love that I live in this era. If you told someone in 1835 that 170 years hence they could be completely pain-free - and have a car - but in exchange would be the reality of AIDS and white women with corn rows....I think they'd have rolled the dice and said, "OK."

With the exception of the corn rows, life is pretty good.

Pair o' Docs

So My Therapist Says we can't meet today on account of a damn good reason. One would hope that might leave me without new material. The well, however, seems bottomless.

Either a sinus infection or the addition of a diuretic has had me in almost constant pain and a foul mood for the better part of 2 days now. I phoned The City to make an appointment with the M.D. - partly to complain to someone who has a prescription pad and partly to be educated on some recent medication changes that aren't making sense to me. I like this doc a lot. He doesn't even flinch when I balk or question. He doesn't seem to mind my controlling tendencies or my insistence that since it's my life on the line, I get to pick apart the treatment decisions. When I'm dead, I won't bother them anymore. Until then, they have a relentless partner in my treatment. I cancelled that appointment when My Therapist cancelled me. I also phoned in sick for the Social Group tonight. I'm spending a rare Friday night in.

When this is read someday - and it will be read someday - I want it noted that I spent nearly 3 months writing before I devoted a good number of sentences to a political screed. I'm fairly predictable, if you ask those who know me best. I don't tend to let what I consider political shondas to go unmentioned. When I decided to boycott Wal-Mart in favor of Target (it can be done - try it!) because of their atrocious record on employee compensation and health benefits, etc, etc... I mentioned their sins any time I heard someone mention their name. I still do that. It's become an impulse. The good but annoying kind of impulse, I like to think. My chest swelled with pride when Christi mentioned that she had taken a potshot at Wal-Mart while standing in one waiting for her paint to shake.

When I was younger, I was more prone to the unprovoked outburst. Now, I reserve my best material for blunt force responses. I rarely pick a fight on the topics anymore. But I don't run from many, either. Yesterday I got one of those fictitious emails that circulate. Some poor soul had supposedly been the victim of a horribly unpatriotic act at the hands of Starbucks. The suggestion was that we should all paint our faces red, white & blue and take to the streets to protest the java terrorists. The retraction came within 24 hours, to their credit, but not before I had replied simply, "Oh dear. How do we differ? Let me count the ways."

I got a civil reply about supporting the troops even if we don't support the war. On the heels of being reminded about Christianity's "Love The Sinner, Hate The Sin" schtick, my buttons were pushed. The parallel did not escape me.

I don't like war. I don't buy that this is or ever was a "war". I think it's incredibly naive of the vast majority of people to allow the commonly accepted term of "war" to be redefined the way it has been. I don't blame the Bushies. If you can find several million idiots and exploit them for your own gain, good on you. I blame the dumb people. Idiocy is its own reward. You get what you pay for. Caveat Emptor. All that.

Before anyone gets their panties wadded, I've held my tongue on this for 3 years while the charade of patriotism has swirled around me. You'll excuse me if I use the soapbox I designed for myself for a few paragraphs of well thought out retribution. I didn't hear this on TV first. That might be a good place for the other side to start when they decide to speak on the topic. And no, I did not serve my country in the military. I had "other priorities" to quote the sitting Vice-President. But more importantly, my country did not want me to serve. I tell. Don't ask me not to. It's a shame. Some of us have some real rage issues that would marry up with an AK-47 fairly nicely. Then again, who wants a bunch of angry gay folks with assault weapons when you're trying to write them out of the constitution. I see where they're coming from, perverse as it is. But I digress.

That said, I especially detest this deployment because this is the first time I've known anyone personally who has been deployed. But for the most part, I think smart people should never have laid down their intelligence at the feet of faux patriotism. This has always been about paybacks. Absent any 9/11, we'd have been here anyway. Anyone who tells you different is simply - and willfully - stupid. All of the lies have been revealed (unless you buy the redefining of the commonly accepted term "lie"). All of the motivations have been deconstructed to reveal the shams they are. You'd think even dimwitted people would have stopped the proselytizing by now. I'm supposed to embrace my distaste for the conflict yet support our people who are engaged in it. I'd like for one person to explain just how the fuck someone does that.

This has to be the second most ignorant concept ever parroted by an unthinking legion of lemmings. The first begins "Love The Sinner...". They are both either a paradox beyond our comprehension as mere mortals...or they're just silly to the point of dangerous stupidity. I lean decidedly toward the latter. If you "support the troops" but don't support what the troops are doing, just what do you support? If you applaud the person who pulls the trigger but don't like that they pulled the trigger, doesn't that make you either schizophrenic or stupid? Again, I lean decidedly toward the latter. I think it's a misplaced sense of obligation. For some reason, it's verboten to say that the people doing the thing you're allowed to hate are, themselves, assholes. I find it far more patriotic to point out the pile of lies (unless you redefine "lie" to mean something other than it means) and to say we shouldn't be doing what we're doing and those who do it should stop.

Just Following Orders doesn't work in the corporate world as a defense to anything. Morally, it doesn't hold any water, either. If your sense of patriotism finds a loophole in Just Following Orders, you have some hollow sense of God and Country. And that probably makes you an asshole, too. So I'm going to go out on a limb and say that no, I don't support our troops - because I don't support what they're doing - and I'll rest easy at night knowing that I didn't slap a magnetic friggin' ribbon to the back of my vehicle three years ago. I have walked away from the front doors of businesses simply because I saw a sign that ordered me to "Support Our Troops". My dollars spend equally well in places where more thought goes into the signage.

I have a question for the 25% of the American populace who have changed their minds about this cabal and its Middle Eastern Rah Rah Tour de Force: Do you feel ashamed or just stupid? As an intellectual matter, I'd like to think they realize that they're probably not qualified to vote anymore. As a moral matter, I'd like to think that they accept responsibility for enabling this whole thing. When someone votes to keep putting other folks in harm's way, I think stupidity is not a valid excuse. When their vote is sold for a Shock And Awe sideshow on someone else's land, they're pretty much just assholes. If more of us said so, perhaps they'd think twice before assuming we goose-step just like they do.

I wonder how they sleep at night.