Horse Races Are For Horses

We were asked yesterday, by America Online, to rate the Democratic hopefuls following the most recent debate. We were flattered, to say the least, but did our patriotic duty to give an early rating to the Great Eight who showed up in South Carolina.

Only upon submitting our humble opinion did we realize that we were one of 112,251 people asked. So much for early fame.

Believing that the weekly opinion polls of the unwashed, ill-informed masses are the very worst way to decide on a president, we will here present the candidates from Our Party and their stances on a succession of issues that we deem relevant. Today's issue: Deviants' Desire To Jump The Broom.

Where they stand on Gay Marriage, Civil Unions, and Kissing On The First Date:
(in order of how well we liked them in the S.C. Debate)

1. Sen. Barack Obama - "...personally, I do believe that marriage is between a man and a woman." (From a statement on the Federal (Anti Gay-)Marriage Amendment on the floor of the Senate, 6/5/2006.) "But most of us do believe that gay couples should be able to visit each other in the hospital and share health care benefits; most of us do believe that they should be treated with dignity and have their privacy respected by the federal government." (From the same speech.) Barack wishes you well in the hospital, but don't plan any bedside hitchin'. It's enough that he'll let you in plug-pulling range. Happy now?

2. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton - "... opposes same-sex marriage but supports civil unions between members of the same sex. During her husband's administration, she supported the Defense of Marriage Act, a law preventing the federal recognition of same-sex marriage." - PlanetOut Network, February, 2006. Hillary would like to be invited to your reception, but prefers not to know what happened before it or what may occur after.

3. Former Sen. John Edwards - "Edwards indicated that this issue was the 'single hardest social issue' for him and that he had engaged in a lot of 'personal struggles' over this issue. He believes that same-sex partners in committed relationships should have civil rights and should be afforded the dignity and respect to which they are entitled. He struggled with the question of 'how we achieve this?..whether it is through civil unions or partnerships.' He indicated that he is certainly for all of the non-discrimination and equal benefits provisions. However, he said that it was a 'jump for me to get to gay marriage?I am not there yet.'" - Pandagon, N.H. Town Meeting, 12/29/2006 This comes as a profound disappointment, not only as public policy, but for our personal fantasies in the possible post-Elizabeth (God forbid) era.

4. Sen. Chris Dodd - The geriatric Dodd has children aged 2 and 5, so should be assumed to have a healthy appreciation for sex, in general. He said his daughters could grow up to be lesbians and that he hopes they would have the opportunity to enjoy marriage-like rights."They may grow up as a different sexual orientation than their parents," he said. "How would I want my child to be treated if they were of a different sexual orientation?" -From a N.H. Public Radio broadcast, 4/4/2007. Great. Just what we need. More lesbians. Dodd voted against the Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriages.

5. Sen. Joe Biden - Voted "Yes" to Bill Clinton's Defense of (Heterosexual) Marriage Act in 1996, Voted "No" to Constitutional Amendment Banning Gay Marriage ten years later (2006, for the mathematically challenged). Anybody's guess what this decade may bring. Inferring, we would say that he doesn't mind us getting married as long as we don't steal currently married straight folks to do it. We think.

6. Former Sen. Mike Gravel - You're not going to vote for him. What do you care? Whatever his position, he'd rather you did - or didn't - marry while Bush and Cheney rotted in Guantanamo. And you can't entirely dislike a guy with those priorities. (Gravel's Press Secretary, Alexander Colvin, told C-Span that "Sen. Gravel unequivocally supports same-sex marriage and opposes the Defense of (Heterosexual) Marriage Act.") There.

7. Gov. Bill Richardson - If the couple is Hispanic, he's going to take a little longer to mull his position, but officially: He's against gay marriage, for civil unions, and against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (according to comments outside a Portsmouth, N.H. ship yard on 4/5/2007). In other words, he'd really rather see you shot in Iraq than joined at the altar. If there's a different interpretation, we're open to hearing it. But we're pretty sure that's what he means.

8. Rep. Dennis Kucinich - Nobody is voting for Kucinich. He's a vegetarian. That's all you need to know. Vegetarians have noxious gas. They're pro-everything. That's the only way they can have friends in spite of their flatulence. ("Sure he farts a lot, but he'll probably send a FABULOUS wedding gift. He's on the list.") Kucinich displayed a skeevy hand-holding posture with his mail-order bride in the Spin Room after last night's debate in South Carolina. (Not unlike the stomach-churning moment we all had when Michael Jackson tongue-assaulted Elvis's Only Child on National TV.) This makes us glad that he's not actively pursuing a gay marriage of his own. THAT's all we'd need.

Look for more updates on the issues - and the horse race - in later days.

"After Therapy"....Where we don't even pretend to be fair. Or balanced. Or sober.

South Carolina Democratic Debate

We gawked over our cold fried chicken and potato salad at a voice we didn't remember ever having heard before tonight. Our ears were finely tuned to see if we could begin to make a decision between Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards (for whom we voted in the last Democratic primary). But our jaw dropped over the name and voice of a man who captured our attention with his vigor, candor and refreshingly righteous views.

Why isn't anyone talking about former Sen. Mike Gravel (D-Alaska)?!?! (pronounced gruh-VELL, at right) We realize Alaska is one of the Why Bother States for the media Powers That Be in New York, L.A. and Atlanta unless the topic is drilling in ANWR (the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve). But this man threw his hat into the ring with a grenade attached to it and we have to say, "Well done!"

Not only did he say "Get Out!" when it comes to Iraq, but he also suggested, with nary a hint of cordiality, that we throw the war's architects in jail, commandeer the Congress to enforce the will of the American people, and generally run roughshod over anybody with a W bumper sticker left from 3 years ago. AND he managed to do it all while making it seem eminently do-able. In fact, we're left wondering why our Ladies & Gentlemen On The Left didn't make this part of their First Hundred Days agenda.

Our favorite, Sen. Edwards, was nauseatingly cautious. Sen. Clinton was triangulating with the best of them. Sen. Obama did what he was supposed to do - not look foolish in the company of more experienced people. Sen. Dodd overcame the disparity between his eyebrows and his disturbingly full head of hair to sound like someone who could well be Vice-President. Sen. Biden avoided two-hour answers and managed to display self-deprecation. Rep. Kucinich looked only slightly less crazy than usual, but took up time and space better spent on more likely candidates. Gov. Bill Richardson deep-sixed himself with a single answer about being last to call for Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez's resignation on the basis of their shared race. He can look forward to a replay of that quote in his re-election campaign for New Mexico Governor while he hopes for another cabinet appointment.

Clearly, there is a concerted and coordinated effort between the camps not to lob bombs at each other and give the Other Party material for the general election in 16 months. Nobody passed that memo to Mike Gravel, because nobody realized he would be there until he showed up on the stage. Good plan. Don't look for the Other Party to be as measured and reasonable in their approach to each other or the eight candidates who appeared in Dixie tonight. Gravel showed so little concern for the politesse that was common among the others that his very lack of diplomacy qualifies him under the John Bolton Rule to be the next administration's U.N. Ambassador. (Think Don Rumsfeld with a soul.)

He may have been incommunicado for the last 25 years, but Sen. Gravel found his voice tonight to at least hand over the spoon that should stir this pot for as long as his finances will allow. What's more, he communicates Dennis Kucinich's plan and trumps him with a furrowed brow and a booming delivery. As a President, Gravel would be an unmitigated failure. But we love the idea of hearing Sen. Gravel's voice in the debate.

Our question to Sen. Gravel is simple: Where the hell have you been since Vietnam? And welcome back.