Meanwhile, Back At The Hilton...

The Hilton, it appears, is booked.

No, she can't phone it in. No, she can't do a few lines of blow to take the edge off. No, she can't ride in the limo. No, she can't ride in the front seat and play with the siren. And, if there is any logic in the world, her mother cannot come to yell at the Little People this time around.

Having viewed the documents wherein the sentencing judge specifically forbade house arrest, early release, electronic monitoring, city-as-opposed-to-county jail, one wonders which of the Sheriff's Deputies Kathy Hilton, (W-POOP: Worst Parent On Our Planet), spread her canola-oiled thighs for to get her out of jail in the dead of night recently.

CNN holds out the prospect of said Sheriff being held in contempt-of-court for having released Hilton due to her general distaste for prison orange and a dermatological reaction to jail soap. We contend that any Sheriff - even in L.A. - who would take it upon himself to usurp the legal system in this way should not ONLY be held in contempt, but should find himself schlepping Louis Vuitton luggage at one of the lower-scale Hiltons in suburban L.A., forever banned from the Law Enforcement Profession.

This judge, on the other hand, has gone a long, long way toward restoring the integrity of the judicial system after what Judge Ito (O.J.: Not Guilty) perpetrated on the venerable profession. This is not at all about snubbing one's nose at a suspended driver's license citation. This is about privilege. If little Paris ends up anywhere but solitary confinement rotting in her own soiled panties (this presumes a previous lesson learned), minority communities across the West have every reason to re-Rodney King the joint.

Kudos to The Only President We Got for taking advantage of the media frenzy to announce the departure of the latest replacement architect of the Iraqi War. Without doubt, the man is stupid, but no one can accuse him of missing an opportunity when it's presented. Peter Pace will go by September with a healthy amount of blood on his hands and lies on his conscience. His book should hit the shelves by Christmas. He'll lay all blame for all his obfuscation before congress at the feet of Gee Dub, but at the end of the day, as Americans, we must stop using, "He told me to" as an excuse - even in military circles.

It's an invalid excuse for Paris Hilton. It's an invalid excuse for Peter Pace. And while these worlds could not seem further apart, the harmonic convergence of their fates couldn't prove a more valid point. If you did it, you own it.

In the spirit of Jerry Falwell, Don Wildmon and James Dobson, we would be remiss in not noting that all of the above flagrant violators of human decency and wisdom are heterosexual. What's good for the goose, they say....

Pictures, Dammit!

This is, by our drug-addled calculation, day 3 of no hair products for one Ms. Paris (Don't Blame France) Hilton. We feel entitled to see what a gimpy-eyed troglodyte socialite looks like without spooge product in her hair.

And we know we're not alone. Someone on the inside of that festering cesspool of society's castoffs has a cellphone camera that they smuggled in with their poonaynay and we want to see this biotch at her livin' worst. We want the kneeling down, eating pussy, nappy headed, scrubbing toilets with her diamond-crusted toothbrush photo. And we will pay for it, too. Not a lot. But you're in friggin' prison! You think you have negotiating room? Please, Mary.

Nobody's even going to remember you ever lived once you're out of that joint. Just fork over the pic, we'll go away giddy and you can get back to giving head in the back of a conversion van in a major city's alleys. Or whatever white-collar crime you committed that landed you in the Hilton wing.

We also want this to be Radisson's new promotional flier. "Hilton? (pic of grotesque, cross-eyed Paris mumbling "Dass Hot" into some Negress's labia majora while scrubbing johns with her Tiffany toothbrush)." We Think Not. Radisson....where the heirs we put on don't end up in the joint."

We also want a pic of Kathy Hilton going on a hunger strike, just for good measure. We realize she's probably been on pure liquids since giving birth to this dual pox on humanity (if the reports of her Jug O' Wine fetish pan out), but still. Serves her right. Marry for money, expect nothing but trouble if you choose to procreate. (This rule does not apply to homosexuals who are welcome to marry -well, you know what we mean - but who will not accidentally procreate.)

We would also like to invite People Magazine, Us Weekly, The National Enquirer, Glamour, Cosmo, The Advocate, and Martha Stewart Living to have us over for a week each so we can guest-edit their Most Despicable Heterosexuals Of The Year Issue. I think this year is shaping up to be one son-of-a-bitch of a contest! Only if Lindsay Lohan actually does blow off that knife and then disembowels herself with same will this be a shoe-in year.

Stay tuned, my merry mo's. Mama's feelin' better, the fan is on, and the shit is about to fly! Happy Pride Month!

"I Didn't Mean To" Hall Of Fame

There are lots of things people don't "mean" to do. We have a list of our own unintentional acts a mile long. This week, however, we were treated to not one but two high-profile "I didn't mean to..." incidents.

First, as we know, former Wisconsin Governor and Republican Presidential Wannabe, Tommy Thompson, didn't mean to suggest that employers should have the right to fire gay employees simply for being gay. We assume the Governor is claiming the ever-popular Tourette's Defense, in which his brain simply failed to communicate effectively with his mouth. It happens. We firmly believe Ann Coulter's connection is permanently impaired. But it's the size of the stage, not the faux pas, that we notice.

Second, Paris Hilton pined that she "didn't mean to" drive drunk. We assume she didn't mean to get caught, as money tends to give people the notion that everything is fair game. We also assume she didn't mean to get convicted and sentenced to several days in jail....jail!!...for her actions. As heiresses go, we assume this moves her to the bottom tier, if that wasn't her previous rank.

Paris downed several top-shelf cocktails, put her key in the ignition, and her foot on the gas. But by no means did she mean to drive under the influence....let alone do so recklessly. And anyone who could think differently simply doesn't understand wealth, privilege and the insatiable desire for press of any kind. MAAD has since changed its name to reflect "Mothers Against Affluent Driving", just to cover all its bases.

From now on, we would like to see people of privilege own their actions. At the very least, we think we deserve a more creative and satisfying excuse than the one found on the lips of every 3-year-old. Paris runs with enough degenerates that one would think she has an entire 24-carat gold file cabinet full of ancient papyrus filled with calligraphied excuses that range from the improbable to the downright impressive.

Thompson ran with the Bushies. If that's not fertile ground for finding fine fudging, we admit we're at a loss to help the man.

So the 2007 inductees (we just know it won't get better than this for the next 7 months) into the "I Didn't Mean To" Hall of Fame are Paris (hiccup) Hilton and Tommy ("fire the faggots") Thompson. Congratulations to both.