Augie and Me

I woke up today bound and determined not to write about Ground Hog's Day. I thought of several ways I could and a few reasons why I should, but I just wasn't "feeling it", to borrow a phrase from another culture and a younger generation.

I watched Oprah today. I usually do. Susan St. James and her family were exposing themselves emotionally regarding the loss of the youngest boy in their family. Moving as the program was, she mentioned a quote that instantly clicked in my brain. Oprah calls these "Ah Ha Moments". Religious folks would call them revelations. Crazy people would call it hearing voices, I guess. But when Ms. St. James repeated this borrowed quote, it convicted me, as we say in Pentecostal circles.

"Resentment is like taking poison and hoping the other person dies."

I jotted it down and came to the computer to figure out the source of the quote - so that when I posted it on my refrigerator, it would be accurately attributed. God forbid I should plagiarize in the kitchen. My Therapist Says this would be confirmation of his suspicion that I am "obsessive". Pshaw. Obsession is so far down the list of things we could talk about that he may not live long enough to hear about it.

While the quote has been oft-used, I found the most regular attribution of it to Saint Augustine. Now, I am not Catholic. As my Pappy would say, "we are the opposite of Catholic", whatever that means. I have no history in the study of "saints" and was taught that praying to dead people was, in general, a ludicrous and quite possibly heretical act. So I had to rely on the Encyclopedia Brittanica to learn a little about St. Augustine.

If the quote itself didn't speak to me enough, the cobbled-together biography of its author amplified its meaning all the more. According to the EB,

"Inheriting from his father a vehement and sensual disposition, he early gave way to the unbridled impulses of passion, and while still a mere youth, formed a connection, common enough at the time, but at variance with the principles of Christian morality."

Augie and I have a little in common, it would seem. I can see my own vehement and sensual disposition - inherited from my father. I am not begging for comparison to a Saint to better my chances in this or the next life, but it was a similarity hard to ignore. "While a student at Carthage he was particularly attracted by the theatre." If I were a suspicious person, I would find this an increasingly eerie comparison. Regarding the theatrical productions at Carthage (the original Carthage, not the one in your state) "To his enthusiastic and sensuous spirit they were irresistible, and the extent to which he seems to have yielded to the fascination is sufficient proof of his active alienation from Christianity at this period." That's enough for me to get the point.

I don't know if I'm past resentment for the things that didn't cut my way in life. I don't know how to look at them and say, "That was shitty of you" and then walk away without some residue of negative energy balling up in my chest. But I get the the good Saint's point.

Waking up everyday and harboring resentment for 40 year-old or 2 week-old perceived injustices isn't at all unlike the horrendous movie Ground Hog Day. There, I worked it in. I do know that in my theological education, I was taught - and I believe - that you are only accountable for what you know. Similarly, "From those to whom much is given, much is required." I guess now that I look at resentment squarely in the eye, I'm accountable for it.

So, for the first step....I thank Susan St. James for turning me onto ol' Augie's point - and I promise not to take more poison.

But do I really have to stop hoping the other person dies?

Just kidding. Mostly.