Say It Ain't So

Because there is always a second shoe to drop, the news of a potential cure for AIDS is followed today by this sobering press release:

"(R)esearchers said on Tuesday that most men who have had penis enlargement surgery are not satisfied with the results.

'For patients with psychological concern about the size of the penis -- particularly if it is normal size -- there is little point in offering them surgery because it makes no difference,' said Nim Christopher, a urologist at St Peter's Andrology Center in London" -- Reuters

I have never had concerns about my own phallic proportions. Although, I do admit to having read in full the first two or three messages in my email about the possibility of doubling or even tripling that which has served me well for quite some time. No sense missing out on a good thing. Then I had the Starving Children In Africa impulse: Why waste it on me, who is perfectly content, when there is the penile equivalent of a starving child in Africa (more likely, in Chicago or thereabouts) who could benefit more? So out of love for my fellow man (and I do mean love for my fellow men), I deferred my own enhancement in favor of one who needed it worse than me.

Now comes the news that it was all for naught. I bypassed Penis Enlargement Surgery so that one of the lesser schlonged might benefit. Reuters would have us believe that 70% are unhappy with the result. Well, you could knock me over with a feather. Clearly, this is a heterosexual man's problem. Gay men know how to handle the desire for a larger penis: Go out and find someone who has one.

The Veep is taking potshots at 78 year old lawyers. Remember, Republicans don't like trial lawyers because they tend to sue corporations owned by Republicans. You notice he didn't shoot any oil executives. And I promise you there were more of those standing there than there were quail. Hairy Leukoplakia will plague you if you smoke and have AIDS. Penis Enlargement won't make you happy. There goes one of life's last guilty pleasures. The news world is all agog that young skiers and snowboarders (the Colorado equivalent of skateboarding slackers) might have gone downhill drunk. What next? Cheney shoots a drunk snowboarder in the crotch necessitating penis surgery with which the boarder is ultimately unhappy? The world is in a downward spiral. And penis enlargement is at the heart of it.

The Advocate called today. Not that they know me from Adam, but I had volunteered to give two cents from Mayberry about the new one-pill-a-day HIV regimen to be released later this year. That was cool. Thank goodness they didn't call asking about penis enlargement. Or Hairy Leukoplakia. Or Valentine's Day.

A friend sent a simple instant message this morning: "Happy Valentine's Day," he said. My response was crude, but lifted verbatim from Torch Song Trilogy "Oh, fuck off."

That's pretty much my response to those who aren't happy with their new dingus, too. Oh...and Happy Valentine's Day to you, too.