Quitting Update 3: Hitting The Wall

Hi, my name is Tom. I'm a smoker.

Where are my steps? Surely, by now, I'm on 6 or 7. I'm flying without a net or a sponsor here. I know they say to avoid places where you used to indulge your habit. That presents a problem for me. I only ever smoked outside. Every time the dog has to pee, I reflexively reach for my lighter. Outside has become my enemy. It's come down to this: Agoraphobia or Smoking. Thank God I haven't been an indoor smoker in my home. I'd have to move.

It's been 34 hours and 24 minutes since I had my last cigarette. I find myself pacing, scratching imaginary itches, and flashing back to detox scenes from Starsky and Hutch (the TV version, not the movie). I've had the sweats twice. In the last hour. I think I'm Hitting The Wall.

Heroin couldn't possibly be this difficult to quit. At least it's relatively expensive and inaccessible. For $4.01 I could walk exactly 2 blocks and fix this whole situation. I think even the dog is jonesing. He would reflexively pee every time I reached for my smokes. We haven't been outdoors near as often in the last 34 hours and, now, 28 minutes. I'm probably giving him bladder cancer by quitting. I'm a horrible human being for not smoking. What was I thinking? Poor defenseless animal...

There are probably 5 families in North Carolina who will go to bed hungry tonight because I haven't copped in almost a day and a half. That comes to 7.43 children, if they meet the national average per household, I'll bet. I am personally responsible for the poor nutrition of 7 and almost 1/2 children and the bladder condition of one slightly overweight Yorkie. I'm a horrible human being. I've briefly considered going to church. That's how bad this is.

I'm doing Lamaze breathing when the really tough contractions....err...cravings hit. It helps. I think I just got over a big hill. I feel the tightness in my chest subsiding and I can unclench my jaw now. Thanks for being there. Whoever you are. If I get through tonight without using, I think I'll be home free - more or less.

I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....