And Now For Something Completely Different...

Drew Carey will be the new host of the Price Is Right. We're fairly certain that this was precisely the career move Carey had in mind when he filmed the documentary "Fuck" recently. Coupled with his astonishingly crude turn in the documentary "The Aristocrats", which celebrates a joke laden with sodomy, incest, and every illegal sex act imaginable, Carey must have been atop the list of Bob Barker replacements.

We are currently interviewing flies on the wall of the ladies' dressing rooms at The Price Is Right to see if Barker's Beauties are contemplating becoming Carey's Coozes. Our guess is that they're drawing up lawsuits and restraining orders for sexual harassment to save time later on. Carey is well known for his cavorting in public with hookers, exotic dancers and women of extraordinary disrepute. Our friend in Chicago who ran the restaurant across from Oprah's studio recounts several descents into debauchery by Mr. Carey and his cabal of well-paid groupies. Chalk one up for fat guys with glasses.

We wonder how long Mr. Carey's ironic jabs at the common man will play on the beloved game show before the core audience realizes that they're the butt of a running joke. Replacing Barker's daily appeal for spaying and neutering house pets will likely be an appeal by the Beauties to have Carey undergo similar alteration. CBS turned up its nose at a number of has-beens, will-be's, and might-have-beens to select Carey as the face of the venerable home of Plinko and other pricing games. Drew Carey and the price of Rice-a-Roni just don't seem like a match made in Studio City heaven. Time will tell.

Can Carey continue delivering dick jokes and hooker riffs at comedy clubs while filming The Price Is Right? Can he stay out of the bar with his entourage of women who disrobe for a living? We think probably not. Neither do we believe that Carey can re-create the rapport Barker has with the critical 60-plus demographic for the show. His teen-age boy sense of humor coupled with his Gentlemen's Club values seem antithetical to the show Barker raised to the heights of TV history.

Where Barker fended off sexual impropriety claims by virtue of his charm, age, and public perception, Carey seems unlikely to survive similar circumstances - or avoid them. Take away his adult vocabulary and Drew is just a nerdy guy with glasses and a few good lines which should wear thin over five shows a week. An over-the-hill star would have been a far better fit for the over-the-hill show that appeals to over-the-hill viewers who really, really know how much a Lane recliner costs and whether toothpaste costs more than shampoo. It would have been a fitting farewell for George Hamilton, a permanent pre-retirement gig for Donny Osmond, and a decent rehab-gig for Rosie O'Donnell.

Instead, we'll watch the snarky, condescending and not-just-a-little lecherous Carey try to fill Barker's shoes with something other than Gin. We predict this experiment has two seasons before everyone tries to save face - and the venerable show.

Vegas Blue is a fitting hair color for the Price Is Right constituency. It's not a fitting comedy style. Chalk this up to another CBS disaster.