Back From Vacation

You leave for a week and the world goes to Hell. Hookers, and smoking and drinking! Oh my!

In a sign that the world has turned inside out, Republicans have now become the party of the loose zipper. Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana) seems to be a chick magnet - if the chick is a hooker. No less than three houses of ill repute now report that the very pious senator has been sampling their wares, if not gorging himself on the menu. (Hey, absent his political affiliation, we'd do him, too.)

Vitter was shocked and appalled when a member of the Louisiana House that President Clinton would engage in extra-marital dabblings. When the man he replaced, Rep. Bob Livingston (D - Louisiana), admitted to an extra-marital affair, Vitter said this (in the Spirit of Christmas and All That Is Holy And Right):

"I think Livingston’s stepping down makes a very powerful argument that Clinton should resign as well and move beyond this mess,” [Atlanta Journal and Constitution, 12/20/98]

That same year, Vitter wrote an Op-Ed piece for the New Orleans Times-Picayune in which he called President Clinton "morally unfit to govern" for having pulled the Big Lewinsky.

Fast-forward through a number of nekkid aerobic sessions with hookers and Vitter's own resignation speech sounds like this:

"Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling," Vitter continued. "Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there -- with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way."

My... what a difference a decade and a much larger paycheck makes. The Right Pious (And Not Just A Little Scary) Mrs. Vitter condescended to then-First Lady Hillary Clinton by ranting:

"I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary," Wendy Vitter told Newhouse News. "If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me. I think fear is a very good motivating factor in a marriage. Don’t put fear down."

We've been glued to CNN for reports on the Horny Senator's penectomy. As of press time, the dick still has his cock. Looks like hypocrites and hyperbole attract. Hmmm?

Comes also the news that smoking will help prevent Parkinson's Disease. A Stanford University study reveals:

"Parkinson’s disease (PD) is one of a few conditions in which cigarette smoking appears to decrease the risk of developing the disease, with a reduced risk of 50% among ever smokers compared to never smokers."

We consider this excellent news! Nothing had us more concerned than the prospect of shaking like a leaf while holding a lit cigarette in bed. We will now worry only half as much with this revelation.

Finally, we were disturbed to learn that Chantix, the new wonder-drug to help people quit smoking, will also block the receptors in your brain that derive pleasure from drinking - thus possibly promising you a life devoid of smoking, drinking, and any reason to leave the house on a Friday night. We can't understand why the pills haven't been pulled from the shelves already. While we were willing to consider giving up the smokes, we draw the line at giving up the hooch.

It is our sincere hope that with vacation behind us, we can stand vigil against these sorts of upsets. Thank you for the break (it was unpaid - natch!). We look forward to another daily grind.