An Open Letter To Canada

We were tickled by a characterization of us as "pseudo-liberal" in an anonymous Canadian comment to the preceding post. We hauled out the After Therapy copy of Merriam-Webster's Dictionary to make sure we understood the insult before we issued a thorough response. Our apology to Anonymous In Quebec for not alternating paragraphs between French and English, even though we have a degree in the former.

Neither Merriam nor Webster defined the term for us, so we tried the hip online version. Again, no luck. We were asked whether we had meant to define the following: sodium chlorate, Saudi Arabian (!), saddlebred (only once), saddlebreds, sidereal hour, sidi bel abbes (wasn't she the mother on Dallas?), sidi barrani, soda bread or stilbestrol. We were also offered "spelling help". The very nurve.

Cambridge's various dictionaries were equally unhelpful. So we turned to the Web, thinking perhaps this was a more recent term of art with which we were simply unfamiliar. From the quick view of our googled results, we got: "Liberal is the New Conservative", "Pseudo Liberal = Socialist/Statist", "Pseudo-liberal (JEW!)..." etc. Only then did we realize we'd been nut-kicked by the KKK.

Never one to take it lying down, Feeling it important to respond, we decided to clarify the editorial/political posture of our organization:

1. We believe that people should have sex with whoever and whatever gives them pleasure and does no harm to the environment, the family farm, or unconsenting people.

2. We believe that conservatism is the logical extension of repression and spanking the slow erosion of straight, white, male privilege. As such, said erosion should be encouraged by mocking as many straight, white males per sentence as is grammatically possible.

3. We believe that people who cannot laugh at themselves may as well go ahead and die. Life is going to be one long, plodding, cruel, unenjoyable root canal of a ride.

4. We believe that people who cannot laugh at others are boring do not have their eyes/ears open. People are funny. Admit it.

5. We believe in God, but not the people who associate themselves with Him. We also believe He is a Him because we have trouble remembering to call Him a Her. We admit to not having seen God's gonads, so it's a pure guess, but it's one to which we've become accustomed.

6. We believe anyone who is anonymously gutless pseudo-anything lacks commitment to everything. We, therefore, disabuse everyone of the notion that we are Pseudo-Liberal and proudly admit that we are Card-Carrying Members of The Jihad Wing Of Liberalism.

7. We are non-commital when it comes to Gay Marriage unless you're asking us, and you happen to be over 6'2, male, and willing to listen until your ears bleed. If others want to do it, we don't understand why anyone would care.

8. We don't give a shit about abortion. Have one. Don't have one. We believe, on the one hand, that more abortions means a decent chance that the next Conservative Asshole may be headed off at the womb's pass. On the other hand, we think all surgery entails pain. And we are decidedly Anti-Pain. We also believe that people who don't have a uterus should speak much more quietly on this topic than those who do.

9. We like the environment. We're not giving up Central Heat and Air over it, but we do like it. We also live sufficiently inland as not to be immediately threatened by rising tides. We hope that whoever buys the house upon our death goes completely "green" and replaces it with a tent.

10. We are unabashedly giddy over the acid reflux Nancy Pelosi must give The Other Side. Finally, a better-than-even chance that The Only Speaker Of The House may ride in the S.F Gay Pride Parade behind the 40-mile procession of Dykes on Bykes. We fully expect to take over the White House in another 18 months and restore sexuality and intelligence to The Office Of The Presidency. We also believe that Canadians should generally keep their mouths shut when it comes to our culture or we will be forced to point out that they don't have one.

BREAKING NEWS: A Queer Disney Wedding

I have outlived the improbable. Who'dathunk? Disney, the self-proclaimed Happiest Place On Earth, has given its official stamp of approval to Gay Marriage and has offered to host.

I've been to Disneyland. I assume they'll be catering in from L.A.

Let the rumblings begin. If James Dobson, Jerry Falwell and Phyllis Schlafly don't have a harmonic aneurysm within the news cycle, I'll eat my sex toys. The Teletubby, Sponge Bob, Aladdin "Look! A Penis!" crowd will have a heyday. But they'll miss the point entirely.

Assuming that anybody saves "it" for marriage anymore, can there be anything more disconcerting than taking your newly wedded beau on a post-nuptial boat ride to the strains of "It's A Small World"? Size isn't everything. But it certainly isn't nothing, either. And nobody needs the stress of thinking you might have purchased a Small when you really take a 2X.

I love the idea that Mickey, Minnie and Donald might someday attend my coupling. I am not fond of the cheap-shot possibilities concerning Pluto circling Uranus... or my anus. Nobody gets rimmed by a dog without an illegal use of Peanut Butter. (Not that I would know. But I read a LOT.)

And you tell me... Is any queen on his day going to stand for Cinderella flouncing around in pastel blue glory on His Big Disney Day? I don't think so. I once watched a de-wigging between drag queens over nothing more than a shade of nail polish. Cindy might want to consider applying at The View as a permanent replacement for the Still Shrinking (I Used To Be A) Star Jones.

Speaking of The View... TV has never been better than this. Our Gal Rosie is lobbing bombs with more ferocity and accuracy than G.W. Bush. And her Texas accent is better. Who wasn't waiting for somebody to bitch slap La Trump? Only a lesbian would body slam Kelly Ripa for making less than nice with Clay "Let's Pretend I Don't Have Sex" Aiken. And you have to give her some credit for the latest jaw-whomper: the temperature at which steel melts. The ol' gal took high school physics and alleged The Mother Of All Cover-Ups re: 9/11. Hey, even if she's full of shit, at least she's honestly full of it. That's more than any of Babs Bush's Boys can say.
Let's hope Barbara Walters has the requisite balls to keep her around.

(If she had asked, we'd have told her that lesbians are hard to live with - unless you are one. Much like the Box Elder Bug, once you have one, you pretty much have to burn the place down to get rid of them.)

Any guesses as to who will be the first to jump the ancient animated broom? Since Jodie and Anderson ended up more-or-less outed on the cover of Out Magazine recently, maybe they'll go all the way, as it were, and confirm for us all that it is, indeed, "A Whole New World"...whether you bagged a beauty or a beast.

M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E.