This tidbit arrived in our Letters To The Editor (read: email inbox) today:
"Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an Unidentified Flying Object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?"
Being of Pentecostal upbringing, we were naturally inclined to assume this conspiracy was true - much like the Anti-Christ's message in the Procter & Gamble logo. And that Marilyn did not commit suicide. And the black helicopters one. At a bare minimum, we giggled at the coincidence and concurred with the conclusion.
But alas, our crack research staff, which would skip their mother's funeral to de-bunk a funny story, had to go and let all of the air out of this one by looking up the aforementioned's dates of birth. Assholes.
George W. Bush was born on July 6, 1946, before the alien landing, but still a day that will live in infamy. However, exactly 9 months before he emerged from Barbara's fetid womb, on October 6, 1945, General Dwight D. Eisenhower was welcomed into Berlin aboard Hitler's very own train. Coincidence? We think not.
Richard (Ohmigodwhata) "Dick" Cheney was born January 30, 1941, again, before the alien landing. However, at the time of his conception, on April 30, 1940, Brooklyn Dodger Ted Carleton threw a no-hitter against the Cincinnati Reds. The Cincinnati Reds were later owned by a vile woman named Marge Schottenheimer who ate poodles for fun. Coincidence? We think not.
Donald (Rummy) Rumsfeld was born July 9, 1932 in Chicago, before the aliens were born. However, 9 months earlier, on Sept. 27, 1931, the beloved Chicago Bears had been shut out 7-0 by their arch rival Green Bay Packers in the universally reviled state of Wisconsin. Consumed by bitterness and disappointment, Rumsfeld's parents conceived a prodigy whose spit would dissolve concrete.
Bill O'Reilly was born on Sept. 10, 1949. However, on December 10, 1948, exactly 9 months prior, the United Nations adopted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 19 of which says, "Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression..." They clearly had no idea that on this very day in New York City, William and Angela O'Reilly were in flagrante delicto humping their hearts out to create the child who would one day be Bill O'Reilly. We firmly believe, had they known, not only would the U.N. have left out that article, but that authorities would have shot William and Angela O'Reilly on the spot in a clearly accidental incident.
Condoleezza Rice was born November 14, 1954, about the time the aliens had entered 2nd grade in Roswell. However, nine months earlier, on February 14, 1954 - you guessed it - Valentine's Day. Also, then-Senator John F. Kennedy appeared on Meet The Press. That same year saw the first network news broadcast - in color. The only mildly humorous thing that leaps to mind has to do with colored Democrats, who are unanimously opposed to Condie Rice and her hair. So we respectfully take a pass on this one.
Rush Limbaugh, a name we had intended never to type, was born on a cold, cold day: January 12, 1951, again, well after the alien landing in Roswell. However, some nine months earlier, on April 12, 1950, Eleanor Roosevelt wrote in her diary (we swear on all that we hold holy this is not fiction): "If there is one thing that enrages anyone who has an interest in young people, it is that it should be possible for teen-age youngsters to obtain narcotics and become addicts. If it is possible to clamp down hard on every narcotic peddler, it must be done—and done right away." You can look it up. We were shocked at the coincidence. But then our Prayer-A-Day calendar reminded us that there are no coincidences. So there you have it. At conception, he was cursed to at least addiction by Eleanor Roosevelt's private precursor to Just Say No.
Dan "Spelling Bee" Quayle, was born February 4, 1947, a mere 6 months after the alien landing. Assuming that alien offspring may mature faster in utero, we are completely willing to believe that former Vice-President Quayle is, indeed, the offspring of Extra-terrestrials and sheep. However, nine months prior to his unfortunate birth, on May 4, 1946, President Harry S. Truman misspelled the word "Nuremberg" in a letter written to Mr. Willis Smith, President of the U.S. Bar Association, thanking him for his trip to "Nurmberg" concerning the trying of Nazi War Criminals. (We did not make that one up, either.)
Our conclusion? The truth is almost always stranger and more frightening than fiction. But we will be trying to get our Research Staff laid so that they don't waste another day debunking simple jokes we receive in the office.
But alas, our crack research staff, which would skip their mother's funeral to de-bunk a funny story, had to go and let all of the air out of this one by looking up the aforementioned's dates of birth. Assholes.
George W. Bush was born on July 6, 1946, before the alien landing, but still a day that will live in infamy. However, exactly 9 months before he emerged from Barbara's fetid womb, on October 6, 1945, General Dwight D. Eisenhower was welcomed into Berlin aboard Hitler's very own train. Coincidence? We think not.
Richard (Ohmigodwhata) "Dick" Cheney was born January 30, 1941, again, before the alien landing. However, at the time of his conception, on April 30, 1940, Brooklyn Dodger Ted Carleton threw a no-hitter against the Cincinnati Reds. The Cincinnati Reds were later owned by a vile woman named Marge Schottenheimer who ate poodles for fun. Coincidence? We think not.
Donald (Rummy) Rumsfeld was born July 9, 1932 in Chicago, before the aliens were born. However, 9 months earlier, on Sept. 27, 1931, the beloved Chicago Bears had been shut out 7-0 by their arch rival Green Bay Packers in the universally reviled state of Wisconsin. Consumed by bitterness and disappointment, Rumsfeld's parents conceived a prodigy whose spit would dissolve concrete.
Bill O'Reilly was born on Sept. 10, 1949. However, on December 10, 1948, exactly 9 months prior, the United Nations adopted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 19 of which says, "Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression..." They clearly had no idea that on this very day in New York City, William and Angela O'Reilly were in flagrante delicto humping their hearts out to create the child who would one day be Bill O'Reilly. We firmly believe, had they known, not only would the U.N. have left out that article, but that authorities would have shot William and Angela O'Reilly on the spot in a clearly accidental incident.
Condoleezza Rice was born November 14, 1954, about the time the aliens had entered 2nd grade in Roswell. However, nine months earlier, on February 14, 1954 - you guessed it - Valentine's Day. Also, then-Senator John F. Kennedy appeared on Meet The Press. That same year saw the first network news broadcast - in color. The only mildly humorous thing that leaps to mind has to do with colored Democrats, who are unanimously opposed to Condie Rice and her hair. So we respectfully take a pass on this one.
Rush Limbaugh, a name we had intended never to type, was born on a cold, cold day: January 12, 1951, again, well after the alien landing in Roswell. However, some nine months earlier, on April 12, 1950, Eleanor Roosevelt wrote in her diary (we swear on all that we hold holy this is not fiction): "If there is one thing that enrages anyone who has an interest in young people, it is that it should be possible for teen-age youngsters to obtain narcotics and become addicts. If it is possible to clamp down hard on every narcotic peddler, it must be done—and done right away." You can look it up. We were shocked at the coincidence. But then our Prayer-A-Day calendar reminded us that there are no coincidences. So there you have it. At conception, he was cursed to at least addiction by Eleanor Roosevelt's private precursor to Just Say No.
Dan "Spelling Bee" Quayle, was born February 4, 1947, a mere 6 months after the alien landing. Assuming that alien offspring may mature faster in utero, we are completely willing to believe that former Vice-President Quayle is, indeed, the offspring of Extra-terrestrials and sheep. However, nine months prior to his unfortunate birth, on May 4, 1946, President Harry S. Truman misspelled the word "Nuremberg" in a letter written to Mr. Willis Smith, President of the U.S. Bar Association, thanking him for his trip to "Nurmberg" concerning the trying of Nazi War Criminals. (We did not make that one up, either.)
Our conclusion? The truth is almost always stranger and more frightening than fiction. But we will be trying to get our Research Staff laid so that they don't waste another day debunking simple jokes we receive in the office.
