Condie To The Rescue/What's With The Hair?

Bereft for weeks of anything to say about the John (Don) Imus "Nappy Headed Ho's" brouhaha, Our Only President Bush suddenly remembered that he knew a Person Of Color who could offer comment on behalf of the administration:

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, the highest-ranking black woman in government history, said the racist, sexist comments that got radio shock jock Don Imus fired were "disgusting."

We here at SMTS couldn't agree more and congratulate the Administration for remembering Dr. Rice's presence, not to mention her race. We would gently suggest, with all due respect, that someone look under that ever-present 1966 "That Girl" Marlo Thomas flip for a healthy portion of the 5,000,000 missing White House Emails.

Nobody wears a 40 year-old hairstyle without having an ulterior motive. $20 says Karl Rove put her up to it. Apparently in the course of Staying The Course, the emails, most coarse, went off course, of course.

We believe a summary apology is due the nation in general and Hillary Rodham Clinton, in particular. After all, these are the same people who had projectile diarrhea for years over a few missing billing files from her pre-First Lady years. Those files turned up on the coffee table - like they do. But not FIVE MILLION of them.

We're betting Bill and Melinda Gates laughed themselves into foreplay at the very notion that 5 Million emails could simply disappear. We also believe they are probably permanently banned from the White House on the off chance that they know the point-and-click method of retrieving the irretrievable. Further, no 6th grade prodigies will be allowed past the Rose Garden for the same reasons.

The folks over at Apple have been issued dinner invitations, in contrast. White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino giggled behind her hand when questioned about the Apple invites before recovering and responding that "Nobody here uses a Mac. I just wanted to meet the guy in their Mac/PC commercials."

We still say, "The hair. Check under the hair."

Hey, D.A.-for-now Mike Nifong, Durham, N.C. prosecuting attorney in the Duke LaCrosse rape-case-turned-apology-fest is probably shopping his resume. I bet HE could find 5 million emails in no time! And even if he couldn't, he could charge an entire athletic team with their theft - just on principle!

Never ignore the obvious option.

First Amendment, Last Resort

I've long thought that the First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution was the last resort of mean-spirited bigots. But I admit I laughed myself into cramps when I heard Angry White Men defending one John (Don) Imus on the basis of the First Amendment's protection of free speech.

Having spent three years acquiring a law degree, I thought I'd use my soapblog to disabuse people everywhere of their misguided legal notions.


WHAT DOES IT SAY?

Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH NAPPY-HEADED HO'S?

In short, nothing. The 1st Amendment prevents the government from doing certain things, not CBS, NBC, ABC, and the like. The former I-Man's speech was not abridged in any way. No one stopped him from calling people nasty names. His speech even made it on the airwaves. No one threw him in jail or even brought a civil suit against him for his speech. His speech was freer than a gas station toilet.

What these yahoos are yammering about are the consequences of this nitwit's speech. And nobody promised you consequence-free actions. The constitution is silent on that count. Nowhere in the constitution does it require any newspaper, radio station, or TV program to carry your speech. You may speechify until you are blue in the face, but Ford, GM and Sprint aren't required to foot the bill for it. So the double-firing (an accomplishment by any standard) breaches no tenet of the Constitution or its several amendments. The sponsors' prior pullout from the program has nothing to do with free speech.

"Yes, but TV and radio time doesn't come cheap," you say. True enough. Those corporate behemoths who have consolidated their collective clutch on our remaining print and over-the-air outlets (right under our noses, in the name of Free Markets) now have the power to set the price, the content, and the consequences of non-compliance. So while you're free to say whatever your blackened heart desires (absent crying "Fire!" in a crowded theatre when there is no such fire), you are not entitled to have it publicized for free.

This is why we have a small number of odd public access channels across the continent. White-haired men spewing End Of The World blasphemy, little old ladies extolling the virtues of white supremacy, and wannabe rappers extolling the glories of their ride, libido and bitches fill the time for free out of the goodness of somebody's heart. But CNN isn't going to repeat it for them on the crawl 24/7 while Anderson Cooper looks remarkably good for having spent a week in Darfur.

No, free speech is not abridged when an Imus calls some butch basketball players "nappy-headed ho's" and ends up on the bread line. The constitution is intact, despite the consequences that follow one's speech. (Every 4th grade kid who ever called the fat girl "fat" understands that while you're free to say it, you're likely to get your ass kicked by a fat girl in the process.) That's just how the world works - in this part of the world.

Hiding behind the First Amendment will serve you well in spewing what you want to spew.

But you'd better watch out for the fat girl. She usually packs a helluva punch. And there's no amendment I can find that will hide you from her.

Imus We Hardly Knew Ye

How you can tell when you haven't apologized enough:

"CBS axes Imus over race slur
CBS is canceling Don Imus' radio show a week after he insulted Rutgers women's basketball team with a racial and gender slur. Earlier today, Imus said he had "apologized enough" and the only people he wanted to talk to now were the Rutgers players. The CBS move comes a day after NBC dumped Imus." - Reported at CNN.com



But what about the things you DON'T know?

1. His name is not Don. It's John. He's been using his middle name. How much you bet his new checks will say John?

2. Not even Howard Stern likes him, contending that Imus copied Stern's format and style (presumably including a steady decline in his physical appearance).

3. The Radio Hall of Fame inducted him in 1989. I wonder what the statute of limitations is for revoking such things.

4. Referred to PBS anchor Gwen Ifill as "a cleaning woman" in the 80's.

5. Called Tucker Carlson "a bowtie-wearing pussy" (a comment with which we find scant reason to disagree).

6. Current NY Governor and former NY Attorney General, Eliot Spitzer, launched a tax inquiry into the ranch John and his wife run for poor, sick, nappy-headed kids so's they don't turn out to be ho's.

7. John Imus is one of the few persons issued a permit to carry a concealed weapon in the city of New York. It would appear his tongue is not his best weapon, after all.

8. Got sober in 1988 from cocaine and booze. This goes a long way toward proving that neither is to blame for its users' behavior.

9. Fired in 1977 from WNBC for his cocaine and vodka issues. Stay tuned for off-the-record and off-the-wagon revelations.

10. Despite all, named one of the Top 25 Radio Talk Show Hosts Of All Time by Talkers Magazine.

We're guessing he won't make the list this year.

One wonders: Just how far behind could Bill O'Reilly be?

Imus Redux

"I'm not a bad person. I'm a good person, but I said a bad thing. But these young women deserve to know it was not said with malice," he said.

Well....WHEW! That's a relief. Don Imus has joined the long, long queue of those who mysteriously produced bad acts out of a heart that is nothing but sweetness and light. I thought this line sounded familiar, so I did me some diggin' and unearthed a veritable phenomenon of this sort of event.

WHEN BAD THINGS BLURT FROM GOOD PEOPLE

1. "I think I am a good role model" -From the pantiless, crotch-flashing, hard-partying, drunk driver caught on video in a racist rant: Paris Hilton.

2. "And I love him, I think he's a wonderful human being. I think he's a very sincere and deeply religious human being. " - The pope? Billy Graham? No. Newt Gingrich uttered this about the man who said THIS: ""You know, if we had elected this man (segregationist, interracial adulterer, and recovered racist Strom Thurmond) 30 years ago, we wouldn't be in the mess we are today." - Trent Lott. (The FIRST time he said it in 1980.) Lott repeated the quote in 2002 on the occasion of Thurmond's 3,000th birthday: "I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond ran for president, we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had followed our lead, we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years."

3. "I feel like I'm a good kid" - Boozy, multi-rehabbed, cocktail hurling partier extraordinaire Lindsay Lohan.

4. "She's a good woman." - Russell Yates, on his ex-wife, Andrea, who drowned all five of the couple's children, ages 7, 5, 3, 2, and 6 months in the bathtub. She currently shares a cell with Dena Schlosser who, in 2004, murdered her 11 month-old daughter by amputating the baby's arms with a kitchen knife. No joke.

I think we might need a better definition of "good" when it comes to people. Hackin' up babies, flashing your cooch, stumbling into martini fights, and ironing your good Klan sheet should not fall under that definition.

There are no bad people anymore. The last bad person was Jeffrey Dahmer, who, I'm sure, had a neighbor or a mama who insited he was "such a good boy". Or maybe Sadaam Hussein, who, despite all, had people marching in the streets to mourn his demise.

That's bad's news for those of us with a Bad Boy Fetish. Since everybody is a Good Person, regardless of what evil they manifest, those of us with a hankerin' for a hunka bad are left to settle for a nice accountant who will tickle our fancy but won't slap it real hard the way we like.

So it's Good News, Bad News. The Good News is there are no Bad People.

The Bad News is the same.