No Trump

What happened to Donald Trump? We thought maybe Ro O'Do had just hit a nerve when she rightly assailed his moral authority and mocked his Is It Or Isn't It scalp covering. But in the last week, he's taken on Dallas Mavericks owner and all-'round rich guy Mark Cuban.

The Queen of Nice is fat. She'll be the first to tell you so. Call her fat and you're overstating the obvious, not eviscerating her with a zinger. And it makes you sound childish, Donnie. Call her a loser while she's sitting atop her 2nd ratings bonanza concurrent with yours going into the toilet and you look like an idiot. Mock her looks and you're just... distastefully classless. Slam the politics, accuse her of over-reaching with the gay angle to everything. That's fair. And probably true. But the other? Please, man, was Ivana the only thing that held you together?

Now there is little debate that Mark Cuban is a young man of considerable physical appeal. He's annoying as bat shit on your toothbrush, but he is a handsome guy whose hair does not appear to have been the result of a food processing mishap. And he owns an NBA team. And he has a ton of money. And he hits back. Hard. Calling him a "loser" because "he looks like that" is just creepily 4th Grade stuff. You're an old man, for Christ's sake. You're supposed to have money and dignity and class. Instead, you're proving that money can't buy class every time you open your mouth. You are a verbal Paris Hilton-style train wreck with all the redeeming qualities of a Lindsay Lohan chaser.

Grow the fuck up. You have children old enough to be embarrassed - one of which you dragged onto The Tonight Show to stand up for you. GASP! Even Leona Helmsley fought her own battles. Your intellect is fairly questioned when the best insult you can hurl someone's way is based on their looks and size. You are deep in disingenuous territory when you can crawl over your own bankruptcy history to call someone else a "loser".

And since you brought it up, you only fuck beautiful people. You've never been one. So enough with the beauty disses, already. You are, aside from Aerosmith, The Rolling Stones, and Ugly Betty, the least attractive mug on the American landscape. Your public speaking skills are beneath the most average 10th grader we've ever judged in speech competition. You are a multiple marriage failure, a media disaster, and a walking testimony that clothes do not, by any stretch, make the man.

You need to be very, very quiet for the next 20 years and gamble that we won't remember your psychotic outbursts of 2007. Please - no more apprentices. The Sorcerer only got one - and we liked that show. No more twenty-something wives plucked from the beauty pageant ash heap. Leave something for the twenty-something men. And shave your fucking head, already.

Jesus. Do we have to tell you everything?

Big Gay Vacuum

Rosie Bids Adieu to "The View"
Posted Apr 24th 2007 10:35PM by TMZ Staff

There is a strong buzz in Hollywood that Rosie O'Donnell will announce Wednesday (April 25) that she is leaving "The View" -- and she'll make the announcement on the show.

Say it ain't so. Just when we'd decided to break our Star Jones-inspired boycott of The View (before she was fired and liposuctioned), we learn that our favorite View Gal and all-'round good egg Ro' O'Do' is beating feet for a yet-to-be-announced gig.

It's no secret that our gal Ro is in the running to replace Bob Barker as Groper-In-Chief at The Price Is Right. We think it's beneath her, but The Biggest Lesbian in TV has earned the right to do whatever her heart desires. Barbara Walters was seen wearing Depends, as the departure of her ratings savior has caused her to shit uncontrollably. Donald Trump has retreated to an undisclosed location.

The oncoming dearth of real gay voices on TV is chilling. Neil Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight notwithstanding, Ellen DeGeneres is the only free-speaking, be herself gay personality on the tube. And we all know Ellen has a laser-like focus on being funny. Good on her. Politics ain't for the weak-hearted. Donna Brazile (CNN) almost counts, but nobody gives a homo-bathed opinion on the day's events and the state of the world like Rosie. She's an old time, bomb-lobbing, conservative knicker-twister who created her own mold. She turned heads, stomachs, and daytime TV on its head with her wit, courage, and thinly-veiled gay rage. We'll miss her for as long as she's gone...which shouldn't be long.

The View has been an ideal, high-profile place for a Big Gay Gal to speak her mind to desperate homebound housewives in the a.m. While we acknowledge the potential entertainment value of an all-new set of skill games on The Price Is Right (Spot The Fake Boobs, Shar-pei or Star Jones?, Pin The Subpoena On The Republican, Pick a Toup' For The Trump), we think there are obvious pitfalls to a lesbian having "Come On Down" as her catch phrase. We're going on record as betting that she's not seriously after Barker's job. Watch for another rant opportunity to fall on her plate faster than you can say "Star Jones Married A Queer". She's instant ratings. And that matters.

The right place for O'Donnell, if not in government, is Air America Radio. This Speak Truth To Power powerhouse deserves an unfettered soapbox where she need not apologize to Baba Wawa every time she says what the rest of us were thinking. And nobody should have to sit that close to Elizabeth Hasselbeck without having the option of punching her in the mouth. We say, "So long Ro'....and God's speed."

No worries here about this TV Titan landing on her feet. The only question is who else's feet will she land on? We're hoping they're big and important. And a gentle reminder to Ms. Walters: You made your bones asking tough questions of powerful people. Let's hope this isn't a sign that you've lost your backbone due to osteoporosis...or a simple lack of guts. Daytime TV was in desperate need of a conversation about something other than EVOO and how bra straps cut into the back. Regis is so yesterday. Rachael Ray is an over-hyped flash in the pan. And Tyra Banks...well, bless her heart.

Oprah is everlasting because she is who she is. Rosie is in the same mold - only with a potty mouth. And that makes her a lot more like us than Oprah will ever be.

Ms. Fonda Is Not Happy

(CBS) Jane Fonda is siding with the studio executive who blasted Lindsay Lohan for partying too much, acting like a spoiled child and showing up late for work while filming "Georgia Rules."

We can't say that we're surprised. Lindsay "Lips" Lohan and Jane Fonda were a combustible combination from the get-go. Not since Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin teamed up for....what was the name of that movie again?...have we been this sure that someone would get bitch-slapped before the director yelled "Cut! And cover your cooch!"

We simply commend Ms. Fonda for her strong defense of the inherently honorable thespian profession. Also laying waste to Lohan's behavior: Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Paula Poundstone, Colin Farrell, PeeWee Herman, and various rappers. You know you've gone too far when people who WANT to see your pussy think you're skanky for showing it. Oh...and for not showing up to work on time.

We did not break our No Pussy Moratorium lightly here at SMTS. We thought long and limp about whether it was a necessary part of the story or if it simply appealed to the most base instincts. Concluding that base instincts are the fun ones, we went with the pussy picture.

"But you're GAY!" We know, we know. It's not like we touched it or anything. In fact, we edited this post while wearing gloves. We also delayed our morning bagel until the offending orifice was safely out of the viewing window. As a matter of policy, we are pro-vagina for the purposes of perpetuation of the race. We simply choose not to participate. We abdicate, in simpler terms. We defer to others more qualified. And more inclined.

To those who accuse us of Gratuitous Pussy, we say "Go ask Jane." We could not find a picture of Lindsay showing up late to work or flubbing her lines. So we went for the easy shot. Our options were "Pussy" or "Martini". And let's face it....Pussy Sells.

Kudos to Fonda for joining Donald Trump as leaders of the brand new and utterly unlikely Wholly Holy On Responsibility, Ethics & Seriousness (WHORES) For The Media. What's this world coming to when B-listers show up late, party 'til dawn and eschew thongs for the commando media grab? We have been to rehab any number of times (visiting friends, naturally) and can tell you that the paper undies they make you wear do not encourage good skivvy habits. So don't expect a change on that note from Ms. Lohan.

On the topic of Stars Behaving Badly, we feel led to add a novel note to the Alec Baldwin saga. If our mother had left the kind of phone message Mr. Baldwin left on his daughter's answering machine, "Rude....pig....rude....pig....pig....pig", we'd assume Mom was in a very good mood and we were probably going to Pizza Hut. When our parents were pissed, "rude little pig" would have sounded like the title of a fairy tale compared to what we really heard. So we're left to wonder: What's The Big Deal? Did anybody grow up in a house where "rude little pig" was a shocking reprimand from a parent?

Alec: Stop using the telephone. Lindsay: Put your clothes on. You're already running late. It can only help. Jane: Don't criticize half-naked, drunken children. It's beneath you. Donald: Go away. Kim: Take a Valium and learn what real curse words sound like.

Note to all, to quote the woman who used to look like Joan Rivers: ...Grow up.