The Mid-Year Pot/Kettle Review

We're always amused and occasionally enraged when we find people who inhabit glass homes lobbing rocks at people who may or may not deserve a head wound. So many instances occurred today that we decided to compile a half-way point review of 2007 for some of the finer examples.

In no particular order:

Elizabeth Hasselbeck on Being A Good Friend - "Truthfully, I think a friend is someone who you have positive communications with, so I don't know if I would define us as friends right now." We offer as an example of positive, friendly communication Hasselbeck's tacit agreement with the assertion that Rosie O'Donnell is a traitorous whore for Al Qaeda. If that ain't friendship, we need a Dionne Warwick intervention. Can someone get ahold of Gladys Knight, Stevie Wonder and Elton John, too?

Fatah on Hamas Being Bad For Palestinians - "There is no dialogue with those murderous terrorists." - Mahmoud Abbas, Palestinian President. Far be it from us to remember that Abbas leads the party of the late Yassir Arafat, that towering figure of peaceful resistance and anti-terrorism. We almost forgot that Abbas, known by his Palestinian Mob nickname "Abu Mazen", took the reigns of the terrorist P.L.O. upon Arafat's death. We submit that the only true gripe Abbas has is that he didn't throw the first punch and that there weren't several hundred Israeli tour buses collaterally damaged in the process. Abbas is also nominated for the Takes One To Know One Lifetime Achievement Award.

George W. Bush on Stem Cell Research - "America is also a nation founded on the principle that all human life is sacred." We can't help but point out that not all human life is sacred to this administration. At the same time, we don't want to be impolite by pointing out the sacred Iraqi elephant in the living room. Or the suffering sacred lives that won't be helped by stem cells. Or the sacred human lives we've left in trailers across the Gulf Coast. Or.... We'll let others put the puzzle pieces together. Bush's mother appeared bug-eyed at her son's decision to veto legislation allowing expanded stem cell research. Upon learning that Graves Disease, which afflicts the 82 year-old, is among those diseases with cure potential from stem cells, Barbara Bush called her boy with a brief message: "Thanks, asshole."

Donald Trump on Rosie O'Donnell - "The ratings for her show were terrible. They basically threw her off the air. ... " We enjoyed seeing Donald's ex, Marla Maples, on a practically unwatchable program earlier in the week. Mostly, we enjoyed it knowing that The Apprentice - Trump's only remaining foray into TV (his Martha Stewart version of the show tanked in less than a season) was already in the dumpster pantheon of shows that didn't last as long as anything Rosie ever touched. We clearly recall running gags on the Ro Show what lasted more seasons than The Apprentice. You'd think Trump would realize that his greatest TV hit was being a punching bag for America's Favorite Lesbian on The View.

Ann Coulter on Civil Discourse - "I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate, John Edwards, but it turns out that you have to go into rehab if you use the word 'faggot'..." Using the ugly, dyke-y, cunty, emaciated, stringy-haired name calling approach would probably give Ann multiple orgasms. So we won't do that. But you get our drift. We have a firm policy against aiding and abetting Republican orgasms. If we ever learn that Bill Maher is schtupping her - even with marijuana as an excuse - we're cancelling our HBO.

So there you have it... The first five finalists for the 2007 Pot/Kettle Award are in - and we didn't have to blow Simon Cowell (not that there's anything wrong with that), Ryan Seacrest (not that there's anything wrong with that), or David Hasselhoff (there are TOO many things wrong with that) to get here. Here's a toast and crossed fingers for an equally enjoyable second-half of the year.

Felled By The IRS

Apologies for the recent hiatus. A battle royale with the IRS has diverted our attention from daily musing to matters less desirable by far.

No, not that IRS. This one is Immune Reconstitution Syndrome, sometimes known as IRIS (Immune Reconstitution Inflammatory Syndrome). As opposed to the Devil's Own Accountants, this IRS is actually a good thing. It occurs when one's immune system wakes up, as it were, and recognizes the variety of viruses running through the body. Persistent fever, sweats, nausea and the attendant laundry it requires is evidence that my guinea pig pills are working as we'd hoped.

The fatigue is constant, drenching sweats occur half a dozen times a day and writing gets lost in the process. One fears dripping into the laptop and electrocuting all living beings within a reasonable perimeter. We have not missed the Rosie/Elizabeth flap. We just prefer not to dignify Elizabeth Hasselbeck or her wrong-headed rants. Had she not gone weeks without bathing on Survivor or married a not-quite-good-enough football player, she'd be Elizabeth Filarski, a single woman living in New Jersey and dreaming of showers with Bill O'Reilly. I speak for many of us when I say that when you fuck with Rosie, you fuck with all of us. She's big. We're bigger. And you almost have to come to us to have your hair done.

When this beneficial malady passes, we will be back to our snarky ways - putting our own spin on the news and gossip of the day, revelling in our own social ineptitude, and calling spades what they are. Your kind words and thoughts while we test just how much sweat 600 thread-count sheets can hold are appreciated. (We have a shirt hanging from yesterday afternoon that is still completely drenched....so this is no average leak we've sprung.)

For today, we will be glued to the Scripps-Howard National Spelling Bee where two children from our hometown of Olathe, Kansas entered the semi-finals today. So as not to over-glorify the children of Kansas, these kids are, like 90% of the participants, ringers from the third-world brought here to make us look smart. Yours truly bombed out of the school spelling bee in consecutive years with the words "coffee" and "colon". The irony was not lost on us the year we had a coffee colonic. In retrospect, we're grateful we never had to spell "sulphuric" and "rectum".

We shall return in short order with near-daily posts. Thank you for your patience while we take a few days to simply set a spell.

Big Gay Vacuum

Rosie Bids Adieu to "The View"
Posted Apr 24th 2007 10:35PM by TMZ Staff

There is a strong buzz in Hollywood that Rosie O'Donnell will announce Wednesday (April 25) that she is leaving "The View" -- and she'll make the announcement on the show.

Say it ain't so. Just when we'd decided to break our Star Jones-inspired boycott of The View (before she was fired and liposuctioned), we learn that our favorite View Gal and all-'round good egg Ro' O'Do' is beating feet for a yet-to-be-announced gig.

It's no secret that our gal Ro is in the running to replace Bob Barker as Groper-In-Chief at The Price Is Right. We think it's beneath her, but The Biggest Lesbian in TV has earned the right to do whatever her heart desires. Barbara Walters was seen wearing Depends, as the departure of her ratings savior has caused her to shit uncontrollably. Donald Trump has retreated to an undisclosed location.

The oncoming dearth of real gay voices on TV is chilling. Neil Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight notwithstanding, Ellen DeGeneres is the only free-speaking, be herself gay personality on the tube. And we all know Ellen has a laser-like focus on being funny. Good on her. Politics ain't for the weak-hearted. Donna Brazile (CNN) almost counts, but nobody gives a homo-bathed opinion on the day's events and the state of the world like Rosie. She's an old time, bomb-lobbing, conservative knicker-twister who created her own mold. She turned heads, stomachs, and daytime TV on its head with her wit, courage, and thinly-veiled gay rage. We'll miss her for as long as she's gone...which shouldn't be long.

The View has been an ideal, high-profile place for a Big Gay Gal to speak her mind to desperate homebound housewives in the a.m. While we acknowledge the potential entertainment value of an all-new set of skill games on The Price Is Right (Spot The Fake Boobs, Shar-pei or Star Jones?, Pin The Subpoena On The Republican, Pick a Toup' For The Trump), we think there are obvious pitfalls to a lesbian having "Come On Down" as her catch phrase. We're going on record as betting that she's not seriously after Barker's job. Watch for another rant opportunity to fall on her plate faster than you can say "Star Jones Married A Queer". She's instant ratings. And that matters.

The right place for O'Donnell, if not in government, is Air America Radio. This Speak Truth To Power powerhouse deserves an unfettered soapbox where she need not apologize to Baba Wawa every time she says what the rest of us were thinking. And nobody should have to sit that close to Elizabeth Hasselbeck without having the option of punching her in the mouth. We say, "So long Ro'....and God's speed."

No worries here about this TV Titan landing on her feet. The only question is who else's feet will she land on? We're hoping they're big and important. And a gentle reminder to Ms. Walters: You made your bones asking tough questions of powerful people. Let's hope this isn't a sign that you've lost your backbone due to osteoporosis...or a simple lack of guts. Daytime TV was in desperate need of a conversation about something other than EVOO and how bra straps cut into the back. Regis is so yesterday. Rachael Ray is an over-hyped flash in the pan. And Tyra Banks...well, bless her heart.

Oprah is everlasting because she is who she is. Rosie is in the same mold - only with a potty mouth. And that makes her a lot more like us than Oprah will ever be.