And Now For Something Completely Different...

Drew Carey will be the new host of the Price Is Right. We're fairly certain that this was precisely the career move Carey had in mind when he filmed the documentary "Fuck" recently. Coupled with his astonishingly crude turn in the documentary "The Aristocrats", which celebrates a joke laden with sodomy, incest, and every illegal sex act imaginable, Carey must have been atop the list of Bob Barker replacements.

We are currently interviewing flies on the wall of the ladies' dressing rooms at The Price Is Right to see if Barker's Beauties are contemplating becoming Carey's Coozes. Our guess is that they're drawing up lawsuits and restraining orders for sexual harassment to save time later on. Carey is well known for his cavorting in public with hookers, exotic dancers and women of extraordinary disrepute. Our friend in Chicago who ran the restaurant across from Oprah's studio recounts several descents into debauchery by Mr. Carey and his cabal of well-paid groupies. Chalk one up for fat guys with glasses.

We wonder how long Mr. Carey's ironic jabs at the common man will play on the beloved game show before the core audience realizes that they're the butt of a running joke. Replacing Barker's daily appeal for spaying and neutering house pets will likely be an appeal by the Beauties to have Carey undergo similar alteration. CBS turned up its nose at a number of has-beens, will-be's, and might-have-beens to select Carey as the face of the venerable home of Plinko and other pricing games. Drew Carey and the price of Rice-a-Roni just don't seem like a match made in Studio City heaven. Time will tell.

Can Carey continue delivering dick jokes and hooker riffs at comedy clubs while filming The Price Is Right? Can he stay out of the bar with his entourage of women who disrobe for a living? We think probably not. Neither do we believe that Carey can re-create the rapport Barker has with the critical 60-plus demographic for the show. His teen-age boy sense of humor coupled with his Gentlemen's Club values seem antithetical to the show Barker raised to the heights of TV history.

Where Barker fended off sexual impropriety claims by virtue of his charm, age, and public perception, Carey seems unlikely to survive similar circumstances - or avoid them. Take away his adult vocabulary and Drew is just a nerdy guy with glasses and a few good lines which should wear thin over five shows a week. An over-the-hill star would have been a far better fit for the over-the-hill show that appeals to over-the-hill viewers who really, really know how much a Lane recliner costs and whether toothpaste costs more than shampoo. It would have been a fitting farewell for George Hamilton, a permanent pre-retirement gig for Donny Osmond, and a decent rehab-gig for Rosie O'Donnell.

Instead, we'll watch the snarky, condescending and not-just-a-little lecherous Carey try to fill Barker's shoes with something other than Gin. We predict this experiment has two seasons before everyone tries to save face - and the venerable show.

Vegas Blue is a fitting hair color for the Price Is Right constituency. It's not a fitting comedy style. Chalk this up to another CBS disaster.

Once More...With A Twist

Tammy Faye made it back to church one last time at the end. She may have been only as much ash as 65 pounds of woman can make, but true to form, she handled the accessories as only she could.

At Tammy Faye's request, the service was conducted by the pastor of a gay church in Arkansas (one we are now committed to finding). Pastor Randy McCain, of Open Door Church in Sherwood, Arkansas did the honors. It seems that the original religious programmer didn't miss one last chance to produce a show with a message. "My friend, Randy McCain", she said in her final instructions concerning her burial. We wonder if the public memorial will be produced with an eye to the masses who would shrink from such an overt embrace of gay Christians. If so, we expect Tammy will be spinning in her urn somewhere.

It's said the smallest acts of kindness are the ones that change the world - if not on a grand scale, then for someone. As a gay person, it is humbling that Tammy Faye thought about me in some abstract way as she choreographed her final moments on life's stage. It's a gesture like this that can end up being a defining moment in a culture shift. It's not up there with the Freedom Riders or the Stonewall Riots or the Garbage Worker Strikes, but it's of note. And we thank Tammy's children for staying true to their mama's wishes. They didn't have to do that.

We've long maintained that if circumstances alter your theology, you probably need a new theology. Tammy Faye confirmed for us that there is a right and wrong way to embrace religious faith. The wrong use of it was as a bludgeon, she demonstrated. The right way was as a self-directing force that didn't waiver as the road became rocky - or perilous - or clearly ending in cruel demise. "God on the mountain...God in the valley", an old song says. All in or all out. Go big or go home.

They could have scrubbed Mama's legacy clean by picking any one of dozens of big-name, mainstream preachers to honor the original Queen of Christian TV. Tammy, herself, could have phoned in a final interview that was only hours before her death, given her appearance and physical pain. It seems she passed on some values of integrity, compassion, and steadfastness to her kids who have reason to hold their heads high when the mourning is over.

We note for contrast that the Very Dead Rev. Falwell was associated even at his funeral with the demonizing of Gay and Lesbian people - and anyone who disagreed with his theopolitical posture. Grace is something you just can't teach, we conclude. You've either received it and have it to give. Or you don't.

We're a little less without the laughing that she inspired. We're a little heavier without the optimism that she took with her. And we wonder if we'll have another prominent Christian who will hug HIV-positive people at Gay Bingo Night any time soon. Regardless, we look forward to shaking her tiny hand at the big Y'all Come in the sky someday.

Just to say, "Thanks!", if nothing else.

Getting Ahead Of The Story

Confession: Once a Pentecostal, always a Pentecostal. You can become a boozehound, a hooker, an axe murderer or John Ashcroft, but when le jeu s'en fait, you'll be a Pentecostal first. Because of this, we have an enduring soft spot for that spectacle di tutti spectacles: Tammy Faye.

As a child, we were transfixed by her heart-rending daily appeals on TV. We knew ladies who cried in church at the drop of a hat, so watching Tammy's makeup run down her face was not unusual. That's what ladies did. Sure, she was a lot more tarted up than Grandma would have recommended, but her theology was spot-on where we were concerned. Her singing was an acquired taste - but her enthusiasm and sincerity were unmistakable. Tammy Faye was O.K.

When everything went south, it was her weaselly husband we blamed. Tammy Faye was as much a victim as everybody else when PTL became SOL. We winced when she divorced the bum, because we just don't do things like that. Then again, we like to think we don't embezzle and commit wire fraud or whatever the hell else he did. We also like to think our husbands wouldn't do Jessica Hahn. Apocalyptic leanings notwithstanding, we tend to be an optimistic lot.

We watched as Tammy Faye started over with Roe Messner, a builder from our own backyard (almost literally). We whispered about whether there was something afoot before it became official, but nobody could bring himself to say aloud that they thought Tammy Faye might have had her eye on another option pre-divorce. We bought a t-shirt splotched with colors in an abstract smiley face design: "I Ran Into Tammy Faye At The Mall." We wore it only a few times, guiltily, and retired it. Taking a swing at Tammy Faye was like running over kittens with a lawnmower. You could do it. It just wasn't very satisfying and she really hadn't earned it.

Years later, we thrilled to the documentary "The Eyes Of Tammy Faye", when she defied convention and embraced gay folks for who they are - theology be damned. Without giving away who she was and what she believed, Tammy threw the door wide open for us to join her in faith. She put a heavily pancaked face on "Judge Not Lest Ye Be Judged". She made it OK to be nice to gay and lesbian people if you identified as a Christian. And she made it OK to identify as a Christian if you were gay. For this, we will always be grateful to Tammy Faye. And we won't speak ill of her in life or her death - God forbid.

We watched her on Larry King and thought that she must have given a lot of thought to going on camera. Here was a woman who had made her name on her appearance - whether you liked it or not. When she had tipped her hat to ridicule, she still refused to soften the eyeliner, take off the lashes, or lighten the rouge. Now, at 65 pounds and only barely alive, she painted what was left and held herself remarkably upright to reveal the most intimate details of her demise. We thought her to be a woman of incredible integrity: Having made her bones and her money in front of the camera, she wouldn't retreat from it at the end. Live by the pixel, die by the pixel.

It would be a wonderful affirmation of everything we, as Pentecostals, believe if Tammy Faye were to be "raised up" from her bed of affliction and kick cancer. If she isn't raised up, we'll be among the legions who remember her fondly. We hope to be as gracious at our own end as she is in hers. Here is this excerpt from her Web site's front page:

"Dear Friends,

It has been such a long time since I've written and I am so sorry for the long delay. I have been in bed for almost a year now. I have times when I feel good and times when I feel really bad. But, I have learned one thing about feelings. They have NOTHING TO DO WITH FAITH IN GOD!! He is the same yesterday, today and forever. He NEVER changes. That is what the Bible says and God's word does not lie EVER!

...I ask in great humbleness that you pray that I will be able to eat without it coming back up. I crave hamburgers and french fries with LOTS of ketchup! When I can eat that again, it will be a day of victory!

In closing, I want you to know that I am praying for you and your loved ones and I am believing God for complete healing. God is a healer of EVERYTHING!

I will let you know when I get to eat my hamburger! HA!

Love,
Tammy Faye"

God Bless. 'Nuff said.

The Case For Gay Parenting

"Social science on this matter is conclusive: Children need both a
mom and a dad. Study after study has shown that children do best in a home with
a married, biological mother and father." -- Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS),
Presidential Candidate, "Defining Marriage Down", 7/9/04, National Review Online

"A judge on Wednesday ordered seven young children removed from their home after authorities discovered it was infested with rats and filled with garbage, including stacks of dirty diapers nearly 4 feet high in closets.

"Authorities went to the dilapidated house after Gloria Ramirez called a funeral home seeking a casket for the stillborn, 4-month-old fetus she had delivered in the bathtub with help from her oldest child, a 9-year-old girl. The fetus was found in a baby wipe box in the refrigerator, according to court documents.

"...Anthony Moya, the 40-year-old father of the six younger children, has been charged with seven counts of child endangerment, and the same charges were expected to be filed against Ramirez next week...- 7/19/07(AP) Betsy Blaine, Lubbock, TX"

"And I believe children can receive love from gay couples, but the ideal is -- and studies have shown that the ideal is where a child is raised in a married family with a man and a woman. - George W. Bush"

"Plattsmouth (Nebraska) Police Chief Brian Paulsen said that James Cook, 6, died Monday night while playing a game of hide-and-seek with his 9-year-old sister. The boy crawled into an old microwave and suffocated to death when he couldn't get out, the chief said.

"Cook's family members told Omaha, Neb., TV station KETV that they had piled a pickup truck full of items they planned to take to the dump on Saturday..."

"I supported the federal effort for traditional marriage, defining marriage as a relationship between a man and woman,'' because "one of the major purposes of marriage is the nurturing and development of children. -- Mitt Romney, Republican Presidential Candidate (S.F. Chronicle, Carla Marinucci, 3/17/07''

"(AP) Rochester, Minn. A Mankato, Minn. couple was accused Wednesday of abusing their 4-month-old son, one of two conjoined twins who underwent separation surgery last fall at the Mayo Clinic." -- 3/8/07

Write these down. They'll come in handy when the fur starts to fly in January.

Still Waiting...

We figured that Wendy Vitter (wife to disgraced Republican Senator David Vitter - he of the whorehouses) would do the right thing. We were wrong. Come to think of it, whenever we've expected Republicans to do the right thing, we've found ourselves whomper-jawed at the result.

When we heard from the Right Righteous (And Not Just A Little Scary) Mrs. Vitter a week ago, she was remarkably silent on her husband's brothel fixation. Since then, two more whores with houses have revealed that they serviced the Senator. Mrs. and Mr. Vitter went into "seclusion", which means they weren't talking.

Fair enough.

The Mister had nothing to say beyond, "I did 'em. " And we know how likely that was to happen. After all, the Mister was one of the primary sponsors of the "Federal Marriage Amendment" to the U.S. Constitution. He was a regular screecher about the Sanctity of Marriage and the need to keep Gay and Lesbian folks from mucking it up. We understand his desire to hide. And the less he says, the better, most likely. We will refrain from repeating the scandalous assertions that he enjoyed some of his whoring whilst wearing diapers. That would just be beneath us. Almost.

But Mrs. Vitter... We believe she has a few IOU's to make good. Back in the 90's, when then-First Lady Hillary Clinton was forgiving her husband for extra-marital dalliances and smiling tautly while little old ladies in Idaho discussed the state of her marriage, Mrs. Vitter was compelled to speak. As we wrote in a previous post, Mrs. Vitter looked down her powdered nose at Senator Clinton and remarked that she would never just stand by her man if he done her wrong. She'd cut his dick off. That's what she said. The obvious implication was that Hillary Clinton didn't have the balls to leave - and was a lesser woman for staying and forgiving.

Yesterday, Mrs. Vitter announced her own forgiveness campaign. Seems she's giving up her Lorena Bobbitt identity for one that mirrors exactly how Senator Clinton comported herself a decade ago. One expects that after badmouthing Sen. Clinton, Mrs. Vitter would have something even mildly apologetic to speak to the Senator she dissed so publicly. Elsewise, we're compelled to call Wendy Vitter a hypocritical, vicious cunt who seems to be a better expert on others' marriages than her own.

We're happy with that characterization.

For the record, we don't give a rat's ass who or what Sen. David Vitter lies down with. We don't care if Wendy Vitter's tongue rots in her mouth. If she leaves and takes half of everything he owns and his cock, we'd consider that her prerogative - mostly. But woman-to-woman, she owes some kind words to the lady she attacked - when that lady was just trying to survive her marital crisis on four networks, cable, the Internet, radio, and every newspaper (fit to read and otherwise).

One woman is walking around with her head high today with no apologies owed to anyone for how she's conducted herself in the public eye. Another one looks like a crass blow-hard who got screwed-over and took it lying down (as it were). One emerged with grace from a stunning embarrassment.

The other is a larger embarrassment than the situation itself. Wendy Vitter, you owe Hillary Clinton a very public apology without any references to cutting off dicks. We don't believe you have the moral underpinnings to come through on such an obligation. People of your ilk are usually only concerned with other people behaving well. You and your spouse clearly grant yourselves an exemption from behavioral norms: fidelity, truth-telling, and common courtesy, for starters.

His redemption can't be evaluated because it depends on his veracity - a quality he demonstrably lacks. Yours, Mrs. Vitter, can be accomplished with a few kind sentences - in public - toward Mrs. Clinton, your sister in the Woman Done Wrong Club.

We're waiting.

Taking TV Up A Notch

Michael Moore goes apeshit on Wolf Blitzer. Perez Hilton, the poster child for gay concentration camps, calls Elizabeth Hasselbeck a bitch (and she is). And now, Hot Ghetto Mess.

That's right. Hot Ghetto Mess It's coming to B.E.T. on your T.V. Mm hmm. We white folks aren't supposed to comment on these sorts of things (read: Imus). Then again, we at After Therapy haven't ever put much stock in rules.

This photo is the June Mess of the Month. We imagine they're waiting for July to wrap up before they crown a new... Oh, sweet Jesus. Crosses! And nipples! And "DOG" on your arm! Oh my! Self-respect runs shallow in the hood, we see. (Apologies to the model if we assume incorrectly, but we've got $100 that says you're not an anesthesiologist from suburban Denver.)

The proprietor (and now producer) of Hot Ghetto Mess (http://www.hotghettomess.com/) has the right idea. She speaks of holding up a mirror to her own community in hopes that some light of self-awareness will dawn in the gawker's spirit. We have news for Ms. High Hopes 2007... These people have already spent hours in a mirror and this is the result. Mirrors are not achieving the desired effect. You can send this "Mess" to Extreme Makeover, What Not To Wear, and Oprah, but she's still going to go home with a flawed sense of fashion born out of flawed values. On her block, hot rims and grillz trump covering your tits, avoiding your 7th pregnancy by the age of 25, and paying your rent.

She was happy enough to pose for the photo - with a big smile. What makes you think you can shake the ghetto out of the girl? Every race and culture has lost causes. White people put theirs in trailer parks and ramshackle cabins in Arkansas. Hispanics have their barrios. African-Americans (and Black Americans who have no ties to Africa whatsoever), have the hood. Every race and culture has individuals who distinguish themselves daily - by achievement, pride, and acceptance of behavioral norms that don't quash individuality. Sometimes, we just need to leave the lesser behind in a Darwinian stab at a better world. You can plunk her in suburbia if you like. But she's gonna show her tits and her new gold teeth at your PTA meeting. Bleeding hearts will cry "Poverty!", "Racism!", "Poor Education!", etc.

We're only gonna say this once:

We were poor as church mice and our mother would have ended our miserable existence if we had even suggested leaving the house representing ourselves or our family in such a way. This is not about money or racism. This is about what you did with full benefit of a mirror. And what it says about how you view yourself. Period.

Dog.

Gay folks will have to apologize for and disclaim Perez Hilton when he hits VH-1's airwaves later this year. It can't last beyond a season or two, so we should weather the storm - assuming Michael Jackson doesn't officially come out of the closet.

We don't want to hear any complaints about how any of the above demean their respective communities. We birthed 'em, we gotta own 'em. Now... what to do with 'em?

Step One: Cover Your Tits

Back From Vacation

You leave for a week and the world goes to Hell. Hookers, and smoking and drinking! Oh my!

In a sign that the world has turned inside out, Republicans have now become the party of the loose zipper. Sen. David Vitter (R-Louisiana) seems to be a chick magnet - if the chick is a hooker. No less than three houses of ill repute now report that the very pious senator has been sampling their wares, if not gorging himself on the menu. (Hey, absent his political affiliation, we'd do him, too.)

Vitter was shocked and appalled when a member of the Louisiana House that President Clinton would engage in extra-marital dabblings. When the man he replaced, Rep. Bob Livingston (D - Louisiana), admitted to an extra-marital affair, Vitter said this (in the Spirit of Christmas and All That Is Holy And Right):

"I think Livingston’s stepping down makes a very powerful argument that Clinton should resign as well and move beyond this mess,” [Atlanta Journal and Constitution, 12/20/98]

That same year, Vitter wrote an Op-Ed piece for the New Orleans Times-Picayune in which he called President Clinton "morally unfit to govern" for having pulled the Big Lewinsky.

Fast-forward through a number of nekkid aerobic sessions with hookers and Vitter's own resignation speech sounds like this:

"Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling," Vitter continued. "Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there -- with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way."

My... what a difference a decade and a much larger paycheck makes. The Right Pious (And Not Just A Little Scary) Mrs. Vitter condescended to then-First Lady Hillary Clinton by ranting:

"I’m a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary," Wendy Vitter told Newhouse News. "If he does something like that, I’m walking away with one thing, and it’s not alimony, trust me. I think fear is a very good motivating factor in a marriage. Don’t put fear down."

We've been glued to CNN for reports on the Horny Senator's penectomy. As of press time, the dick still has his cock. Looks like hypocrites and hyperbole attract. Hmmm?

Comes also the news that smoking will help prevent Parkinson's Disease. A Stanford University study reveals:

"Parkinson’s disease (PD) is one of a few conditions in which cigarette smoking appears to decrease the risk of developing the disease, with a reduced risk of 50% among ever smokers compared to never smokers."

We consider this excellent news! Nothing had us more concerned than the prospect of shaking like a leaf while holding a lit cigarette in bed. We will now worry only half as much with this revelation.

Finally, we were disturbed to learn that Chantix, the new wonder-drug to help people quit smoking, will also block the receptors in your brain that derive pleasure from drinking - thus possibly promising you a life devoid of smoking, drinking, and any reason to leave the house on a Friday night. We can't understand why the pills haven't been pulled from the shelves already. While we were willing to consider giving up the smokes, we draw the line at giving up the hooch.

It is our sincere hope that with vacation behind us, we can stand vigil against these sorts of upsets. Thank you for the break (it was unpaid - natch!). We look forward to another daily grind.

Pardon Me?

This is a 56 year-old man who would prefer you call him "Scooter" (as in Libby) and not Irv (his first name) or Lewis (his middle name). That should tell you everything you need to know about his judgement and self-image. If it doesn't, remember that he was, up until the time of his indictment on five felony counts of obstruction of justice, lying, and perjury, Dick Cheney's right hand man.

"Scooter" is the only man alive who stands convicted of obstruction of justice, perjury, and making false statements (lying) who will not see the inside of a prison. He will pay a fine of $250,000... maybe. He will also lose his license to practice law... maybe. They say his career is over and he'll be a professional pariah. You'd believe them when they say that if he wasn't the beneficiary of Right Wing Cheerleading that resulted in his 30-month prison sentence being commuted by The Only President We Got.

We're hard-pressed to believe that this man's career is over since he has such low friends in good places. It bears repeating that the charge against President Clinton during his impeachment fiasco was obstruction of justice. The same crowd who was incensed at his having lied about sex to people who had no right to ask about it are now elated that a man who facilitated the outing of a CIA agent is free as a bird. He may not be done unwrapping gifts from the Bush Administration. He could still be pardoned - alleviating the need for him to write that check or lose his license to practice law. Anyone who doubts this is in the plan hasn't been paying attention for the last 6 1/2 years.

While Bush and Cheney stonewall Congress and its absolute right to subpoena documents relating to the U.S. Attorney firings, among other travesties, we should be bracing ourselves for a long and exciting road. You can set "Scooter" free, but you can't hide from the Constitution. Eventually, hubris gives way to reason and the rule of law. Those who run afoul of the Constitution and other laws eventually get their due - whether they serve their time or not. It's not too late in the term to think about impeachment of one or both of these scofflaws. The subpoenas are nothing more than the foundation laid for such a process.

No one in Congress believes they will ever see a single page of redacted emails in compliance with any of the subpoenas issued. Democrats simply needed Bush et al. to act in contempt of Congress by ignoring them. That, in itself, is a crime. Impeachment is specifically reserved for High Crimes and Misdemeanors. Now we have a crime. Bring on the articles of impeachment.

It may seem a cryin' shame, if not a crime, to commute the sentence of a weasel like Libby. It's no crime. What he did most certainly is a crime. But one of the perks of the presidency is the unfettered right to commute sentences and pardon completely. If this works out the way it should, the Libby matter should be an afterthought to a bloodbath. We'll be there with bells on.

Bring on the popcorn.