The Case For Gay Parenting

"Social science on this matter is conclusive: Children need both a
mom and a dad. Study after study has shown that children do best in a home with
a married, biological mother and father." -- Sen. Sam Brownback (R-KS),
Presidential Candidate, "Defining Marriage Down", 7/9/04, National Review Online

"A judge on Wednesday ordered seven young children removed from their home after authorities discovered it was infested with rats and filled with garbage, including stacks of dirty diapers nearly 4 feet high in closets.

"Authorities went to the dilapidated house after Gloria Ramirez called a funeral home seeking a casket for the stillborn, 4-month-old fetus she had delivered in the bathtub with help from her oldest child, a 9-year-old girl. The fetus was found in a baby wipe box in the refrigerator, according to court documents.

"...Anthony Moya, the 40-year-old father of the six younger children, has been charged with seven counts of child endangerment, and the same charges were expected to be filed against Ramirez next week...- 7/19/07(AP) Betsy Blaine, Lubbock, TX"

"And I believe children can receive love from gay couples, but the ideal is -- and studies have shown that the ideal is where a child is raised in a married family with a man and a woman. - George W. Bush"

"Plattsmouth (Nebraska) Police Chief Brian Paulsen said that James Cook, 6, died Monday night while playing a game of hide-and-seek with his 9-year-old sister. The boy crawled into an old microwave and suffocated to death when he couldn't get out, the chief said.

"Cook's family members told Omaha, Neb., TV station KETV that they had piled a pickup truck full of items they planned to take to the dump on Saturday..."

"I supported the federal effort for traditional marriage, defining marriage as a relationship between a man and woman,'' because "one of the major purposes of marriage is the nurturing and development of children. -- Mitt Romney, Republican Presidential Candidate (S.F. Chronicle, Carla Marinucci, 3/17/07''

"(AP) Rochester, Minn. A Mankato, Minn. couple was accused Wednesday of abusing their 4-month-old son, one of two conjoined twins who underwent separation surgery last fall at the Mayo Clinic." -- 3/8/07

Write these down. They'll come in handy when the fur starts to fly in January.

Welcome To The Party, Please Remove Your Feet

Sen. Richard Lugar (R - Indiana) has decided that our ongoing military disaster in Iraq is no longer a good idea. He was joined by Sen. George Voinovich (R-Ohio). Word is that more from the Party of Lincoln will voice a similar sentiment after their July 4 vacation.

Nothing screams "Independence" Day like waiting for 90 other people to stand up before you can locate your balls. Way to go, boys. Remind us not to call you for anything requiring leadership, sound judgement, or an independent voice. Spineless jugheads, the lot of them. We hope they get gangrene of the nostrils.

In related developments, Lugar and Voinovich called on the South to abandon slavery, Henry the VIII to stop being mean to wives, and the Aztecs to halt human sacrifices.

We now return you to your regular programming: Dick Cheney And The Hijacking Of Two Branches Of Government. Cheney set a record this past week by declaring himself the recipient of Executive Privilege (Executive Branch of Government), which exempts him from disclosing who's been greasing the wheels of government, and by declaring himself a member of the Legislative Branch of Government, exempting him from disclosing anything at all under the rules that apply to the Executive Branch. Handy.

In related developments, Michael Jackson declared himself both Black and White, Mary Cheney proclaimed herself married and single, and Mitt Romney declared himself Mormon and Not-THAT-Mormon.

Now two young girls have been maimed or kiilled in amusement park incidents. This is not our idea of amusement. But this is... Perhaps this is a message from God that amusement parks should be left to adults and not screaming adolescents. Sort of a refuge from teenagers and people who think strollers belong outside their yard. We're tired of being run down in malls, on sidewalks, and - yes - in amusement parks by people who think their stroller-bound child will charm us all by its mere presence. It doesn't. It's annoying as hell. It is a tribute to my kind that we don't push you both into traffic. And that's not just idle chatter. We have discussed it. We are a people on the edge.

Nancy Grace has announced that she was secretly married and impregnated sometime in the last 90 days. While we have never had anything nice to say about the former Ms. Grace, we would like to extend our best wishes to her husband and say that we understand completely the urge to keep this sort of thing quiet. Grace will continue to draw from her deep well of bitterness for her television persona despite her triple blessing: not just a husband and a pregnancy, but twins. Grace promised to defy joy and continue making a pretty penny from her unhappiness.

Inspired by this freedom to be who one wants to be, we are declaring ourselves rich, good looking and famous despite all evidence to the contrary. We expect Senators Lugar and Voinovich will acknowledge our new status somewhere around the year 2073.

Better late than never? Only if you think spraying water on an extinguished fire counts as helpful. Sometimes you don't get credit for just showing up.

If You Come, They Will Build It... Sort Of

The line was instant movie history when the seminal moment of Field of Dreams flickered across the screen. "If you build it, they will come." The removal of air from the room was palpable as hopes and dreams were distilled into seven syllables. Today, Kansas City teeters between slack-jawed horror and that giddiness that comes with waiting for an explosive to do its thing. The National Right To Life Committee has sanctified the local Hyatt for a few days. Liquor sales are reported to be up 30% over a year ago.

This group of Stop Right There thinkers has converged upon our middle-of-nowhere serenity with their unique brand of half-baked assumptions and half-assed conclusions. And less than half of the Republican candidates for president bothered to book a flight for the event. We call this progress.

The basis of the Know Nothing wing of the party - they are to American Politics what snake parts are to a can of green beans - is the conviction that caring at all the wrong times exempts you from giving a damn at all the right times. In a delightful display of insanity, they contend just the opposite. That's why we haven't gone out of our way to make a big deal over their presence. If the circus wants to set up down the street, who can argue with the convenience of a decent show on the block - elephant shit notwithstanding? We spent long minutes wondering whether the Committee believes itself to be furthering the Nation, Rights or Life. The conclusion? Like most committees, it now simply exists to announce its existence. Committees all go that direction eventually.

To understand these well-dressed lunatics requires a basic knowledge of tactics more than platforms. First, they speak a language that sounds like English but isn't. They take words from the language but use them in a way so that they mean the opposite of what the casual listener might assume. We dated a guy like that. It's where we got familiar with the term "Congenital Liar". They are so convinced in their misuse of the language that they forget just when and where they made the decision to lie in he first place.

The right to life is a sure thing. It's right there in the Declaration of Indepedence next to liberty and the ever-popular pursuit of happiness. But these wing nuts don't mean life like you mean life. They don't mean breathing. They mean the obligation to breed. You think a right to life means a right to be alive. They think the same right means you may get to the starting line, but you're on your own from there. From conception through the frying of the placenta at your family gathering, they insist you finish what you started. Once it cries, their job is done. They have no plans or desire to feed, clothe, care, or otherwise give a good goddamn about that hideous creature until they congratulate it in heaven some years hence.

This Right To Life bunch is anti-abortion and pro-death penalty, pro-war, pro-gun, anti-welfare, and generally anti-bothering them with any of the details of a life they insisted be commenced. They are notoriously opposed to the idea that everyone should have simple health care. Keep your eye on the dashboard Jesus: This is about getting life started, which has nothing to do with keeping it going. Look at their complete abstinence in the last 25 years on AIDS: If you got it domestically, shame on you; if you got it internationally, they'll pray for you. One of our favorite Ann Richards quotes refers to the elder Bush's identical position on all of the above: "Spoken like a true fisherman: Throw 'em back and kill 'em when they're grown." If that doesn't sum it up, we may need to have the Good Lord send Ann back for an encore.

The Right To Life bunch is thrilled to see your fryable ass in an electric chair, your veins popping with poison at your final moment of a death sentence, or your neck snapping from a good hanging. The Right To Life bunch doesn't acknowledge anything between vaginal birth and funeral rites as worthy of their attention. They have one goal and one goal only.

Make sure the sperm takes.

That's it. Nothing else. Once the orgasm hits, you are on the hook, in their book. Better you should aim for a tree than a fertile womb, although when Dr. Joycelyn Elders (nominated by President Clinton as Surgeon General) suggested that masturbation was a pretty good contraceptive measure, these same nut bags went berserk. They subscribe to the Loaded Gun Theory of the penis. You're not supposed to use it except in emergencies. If it's not an emergency, you don't have any business even touching it. Funny people, this bunch. They should get a sitcom. They already have a news network.

Mitt Romney showed up to kiss their ass as did the local yahoo, Sen. Sam Brownback - the only Kansan we could find who makes Bob Dole look chipper. Our favorite crazy person du jour: Rep. Ron Paul of Texas - the Libertarian who can't seem to find the exit door of the Republican Party - also showed up. The delegates had to be told as much after he spoke. They barely noticed. You can imagine the popularity of a Libertarian message ("Hey...what are you doing legislating in my womb?") among this crowd. It is lost on the Know Nothings that Rep. Paul is the only one of the bunch to ever deliver a baby (he's a 70 year-old retired obstetrician). The man who has really delivered (forgive the pun) on their only issue is the one they can't seem to find in the crowd. This, too, gives us hope.

We have a "Fuck 'Em Award" for Rep. Duncan Hunter, with whom our grandmother is running even in early presidential polls. He said he would come and then didn't. We appreciate that sort of a thumb in they eye. We have nothing else nice to say about Duncan Hunter, but would be remiss to let this good deed go unnoticed. The others? Please. This is 2007. The Christian Right has been revealed as neither. Nobody with a serious chance of being President will go near these people. T.B. boy has more high-profile visitors than this bunch can muster.

Giuliani, McCain, Gilmore, The Reverend Governor Huckabee(!), Tommy Thompson and the other nameless, hopeless few Republican candidates had the entire Midwest declared a No Fly Zone just so no one thought they were headed in the direction of this conference. The top two candidates have spent the last few days walking with their backs to Kansas City just to be sure no photo op would show them facing in Missouri's general direction. We hate that they're wising up. But we love seeing loathsome philosophies marginalized in publicly humiliating ways. It makes us all tingly.

In case you were wondering, Brownback was the hit of the show. If that doesn't give you hope for our future, you may just need to go take pills and lie down.

Tastes Like....

This morning, a foul taste coated the tongue like we'd been intimate with a horse and failed to brush afterward. We ate nothing after breakfast, afraid to face 10 Republicans in the Reagan Library on a full stomach, so bewilderment took root.

Then we remembered: The 10 Republicans in the Reagan Library. The experience left an after-taste like Tequila with a Listerine chaser. Looking back over our notes from last night's freak show, it was readily apparent why we're still belching something foul after consuming so much of their bile.

Some highlights that we hadn't included previously:

1. Was it the height of irony that the candidate who had two fingers the furthest up Jerry Falwell's considerable ass was placed on the far left of the stage? We noticed. We wonder if Mr. Romney himself got a chuckle about it while cleaning under his nails after the debate.

2. Rudy Giuliani, arguably one of the least-Republican Republicans, mentioned Ronald Reagan twice in his first answer. Being un-Republican is what most of us liked about him. Talk about throwing away your ace-in-the-hole. We wonder if Signore Giuliani woke up with a smile after screwing himself so efficiently.

3. Sen. McCain managed to affirm his bloodthirst for the war in Iraq five (5!) times in his first answer. And he finished it with "...follow us home." To repeat an earlier assertion by the After Therapy Research Institute for Sen McCain's benefit: They already know where we live. And they can MapQuest it. We get it. You like killing people. Just start a little closer to home so we can review your choice of target first, OK?

4. Sam Brownback is probably defending himself against involuntary commitment proceedings today after suggesting that we partner with reliable "moderate" Muslim nations like Pakistan and Indonesia (that bastion of stability and moderation). Reminded by the moderator, Chris Matthews, that only 12% of the people in those nations like us or support our presence in Iraq, Brownback started picking at his hair and muttering, to no one in particular, "They're coming after us!!" We hope he was referring to Sens. Obama, Clinton and Edwards. Otherwise, we're concerned for 50% of our own Senate delegation.

5. In the Well, Why Didn't You Say So? Sweepstakes, Tommy Thompson takes the prize for saying he would have fired Donald Rumsfeld before the last election. We give him the No Guts, No Glory Award for cheap opportunism after the fact and would now like him to go sit in the corner and ponder what "a little late, asshole" means.

6. We were hoping former Gov. Jim Gilmore of Virginia would complete the sentence differently when he noted that Palestinians, Sunnis and Shiites don't support their own governmental regimes... (like US! See how much we have in common?). But alas, he failed to pick the low-hanging fruit and gets a rap on the knuckles from Sister Omniata of The Order Of Overly Obvious Opportunity.

7. While we found Congressman Ron Paul of Texas highly entertaining, very non-Republican, and very un-Texan, we would like him to follow his own articulated "policy of non-intervention" and apply it to the next debate. Nice to have met you. Now go home. Reminds us of the time we met a guy on the Internet and he showed up at the door a full-on dwarf. We had to fake being our non-existent roommate and explain that the booty-caller was called to the hospital to perform an emergency procedure. Nobody wants to commit to 4 years worth of lying like that. So nobody is voting for Ron Paul. Buh-bye. Although, if more Republicans were like you, we wouldn't need to keep a hammer by the bed at night in fear of them coming in to catch us in the un-biblical act of....sleeping, to be quite frank about it.

8. John McCain opened up and let us see his heart for the first time. It was black, as we suspected. Take this at face value: "My greatest fear is Iran creating a nuclear weapon and giving it to a terrorist organization." Our greatest fear is John McCain not taking medication as prescribed. This tidbit gave rise to the next copycat:

9. Rudy Giuliani said the "worst nightmare of the Cold War is Iran having a nuclear weapon." Note to Signore Giuliani: Maddon', da Cold War is ovah. Ovah! (smack!) Maybe youse should have a sit-down wit da shrink what McCain uses. Have a rigott' pie, relax a little, do some shots at Bada Bing and break out that history book you used to wedge the door shut while you were interviewing new wives under the old ones' noses.

10. Best Over-The-Top and Most Full-Of-Shit Line Of The Night: Sen. John McCain: "I'll follow Osama bin Laden to the Gates of Hell." We would like to contribute to that journey. Please tell us where to send the check. Oh.... Sen. McCain said later that he meant "if we had any idea where he was or if he was even alive." Bold move. Threaten to follow a possibly-dead guy of unknown whereabouts like a hound -- to Hell, if necessary. Major cajones.

We were so inspired, we have voted to follow Richard Nixon around and dog him to the very Gates of.... What? ...... He is? Oh. Nevermind.

Horror Show We Had To Watch: The GOP Debate

OR "90 Minutes We'd Like To Have Back"

Prequel

Ten unhappy white men will admit they are Republicans but would like to be President anyway during the first candidates debate, to be held tonight at the Ronald Reagan Library facing Reagan's airplane, which will be pointed at the candidates in a fittingly threatening manner.

Personally invited by Nancy Reagan, who was presumed dead, the ten will represent the full spectrum of the Elephant Party from frightening to disgusting to "Holy Shit He Said It Out Loud!"

Rudy Giuliani, who has a lucrative mob source of income that we won't discuss in detail because we like our knobby kneecaps, will moonlight as President if elected. Mitt Romney held a private lottery to select which of his wives would attend at his side. John McCain held a similar lottery to see which of his many personas would attend. Results of that contest will not be known until the end of the debate. Nobody at MSNBC could remember the other seven candidates "until they sign in tonight and put on their name tags".

After Therapy will provide gavel-to-gavel coverage of the lying assholes debate soon after its conclusion. Return here, not Fox News or CNN, if you like your coverage fair, balanced and willing to include the word "Bullshit!"

Aside from documenting their racist, classist, fascist, homophobic, war-mongering mantra that would make Rev. Fred Phelps blush, we will be tracking the speed at which they run from their President, George W. Bush, the number of times they tongue-kiss the Religious Right, and whether Cindy McCain appears to be on uppers, downers or a kicky party-mix.

Pat Buchanan, in a pre-debate interview, expressed his dismay at the field of candidates. He told Keith Olberman of MSNBC, "Fuck 'em all! If they don't say 'fag' at least twice, they don't deserve to call themselves a Republican." Buchanan was thought to be hosting a Book Burning Party on K Street in D.C. following the debates, where he will be joined by Phyllis Schlafly, Dr. James Dobson, and Freddie Krueger.

Post-Debate Analysis(in order of loathsome appearance)

Sen. Sam Brownback (Kansas - and we are not proud of that) - Somewhere to the right of Pat Buchanan. Came in a close second by frenching the Religious Right 19 times in 90 minutes. As a result, gets an invitation to join the winner and Jesus in a hot 3-way immediately following the debate. Mentioned "pro-life" five times, never ran from a Bush policy or opposed the war in any way.

Rep. Tom Tancredo (Colorado) - Answered every question with "goddamn illegal immigrants". Reminds us of the guy at Shady Acres Rest Home who rants about Adlai Stephenson to no one in particular as if he'd just had his jello stolen by him. Should go away by July.

Rep. Duncan Hunter (California) - Ran close to the middle of the Republican party, which puts him on the outer fringes of Xenophobia. Managed to suck up to pro-lifers, support the war (he came in 3rd with 4 explicit mentions), invoke Reagan, and also run away from G.W. Bush twice. Should go away by July.

Mike Huckabee (formerly obese Gov., Arkansas) - Was the last man eliminated from the 3-way with the Religious Right, just missing with a mere 6 french kisses their way. Without being a member of Congress or the Administration, managed to run away from the Bush presidency and its policies 5 times (also a 3rd place finish). Should go away by August and put on weight when Republicans lose next November.

Jim Gilmore (former Gov., Virginia) - Hewed close to the party line on practically everything - not that it matters. He has a snowball's chance in hell of being part of the conversation beyond this September.

Rep. Ron Paul (Republican claiming to be Libertarian, TX) - The only question we have about Paul, who has less chance of being nominated by Republicans than Rosie O'Donnell does, is "What On Earth Possessed You To Identify As A Republican?" This man is entirely too sensible to get elected in that party. He really is a Libertarian. We apologize for assuming he was lying, like the rest of the assholes in that party. He may still be an asshole, but he's a reasonable one with some very good ideas. He'll be a non-factor by last week.

Mitt Romney (former Gov. of Massachusetts) - This was fun. He won the Religious Right Lotto and will get his choice of Top or Bottom in the You, Me and Jesus 3-way. He stuck his tongue down the throat of the Religious Right a total of 22 times in 90 minutes. It might have been more. We blinked several times and probably missed another half dozen. We've never seen a Mormon begging Evangelicals for anything that fervently since the days when the latter were burning the former at the stake. He also came in 2nd in the Mention Reagan Contest with 3 explicit references comparing himself to The Very Dead Gipper.

Tommy Thompson (former Gov., Wisconsin & Sec. of HHS under G.W. Bush) - Gave us a full-on erection when he suggested splitting 1/3 of all oil revenues with every man, woman and child. Then he said "...in Iraq". We liked the idea of Tommy Thompson before tonight. We generally don't mind Wisconsin. We thought he was a fish out of water and perhaps a light in the darkness when appointed to the Bush cabinet. We were wrong. He didn't know how many were dead and wounded in Iraq. Wouldn't answer a direct question as to whether he believed in Global Warming. Looked like Huckleberry Hound at a funeral.

Sen. John McCain (Arizona) - Won the War Lotto by explicitly supporting it 9 times (once every 10 minutes). We are probably alone in thinking it sad that the lone P.O.W. in the race is so excited about war. We understand why Cindy takes pills. He managed to smile while uttering the phrase "...prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law." That's just creepy. We think he might be stealing Cindy's pills.

Rudy Giuliani (former mayor, New York City) - Scares us less than the rest of this gang - and mainly because we have seen him in drag and know that he stayed with a gay male couple during at least one of his divorces. Regrettably, when asked to distinguish between Sunnis and Shiites, he gave an answer in ancient Aramaic while crossing his eyes and spinning plates on a garden rake. To his credit, he kept a straight face. And despite the garbled syntax, got it right. (Look it up...you'll care as little as we do.)


Most encouraging is the fact that none of these characters seems to pose a serious threat to any of the Democratic candidates. We can see the light at the end of the Republican tunnel - which is, in fact, a giant rectum. None of them could resist the urge to name Hillary Clinton as Anti-Christ, Whore of Babylon, Wicked Witch Of The West, East, North, And South, and Bill's Wife (The One I Voted To Impeach).

Most interesting...they never said "Barack" or "Obama". We think they're scared. And well they should be. They all avoided uttering "homosexual" or "gay", as well. We assume they're scared of being associated with Ann Coulter or Jim McGreevey. Most tellingly, the name George W. Bush never came up. Like he'd never been born. Jeb Bush, George H.W. Bush, Kate Bush, Bushmen of the Kalahari, and Courtney Love's bush got more mentions than Our Only President. Something tells us they'd be petrified to appear with him in public between now and election day.

And well they should be.