Eenie Meenie Miney Mo

Yes, I realize that rhyme will get you kicked off a Southwest flight. But you know full well I'm not talkin' about black folks. Well, not exclusively....

I was a -ponderin' today about who I'd vote for if I were to go a-caucasin' with the folks in Iowa, where once I lived. The last time, I happily moved to the corner of the high school classroom in Council Bluffs that indicated my preference for Clinton - the male version. Since I'm a hair talkative, I also got elected by my little room to go to the State Democratic Convention and cast my vote for the man. They confirmed me in the auditorium later that day after I'd excoriated a Democratic State Representative over lunch for voting against gay rights to save her ample ass in the upcoming election.

Back to the future.... I admit to being in a quandary still. I pledged my undying love to John Edwards 4 years ago. He touched my hand. With his sweaty hand. I almost fainted. He has amazingly attractive secret service people - right out of the International Male Catalogue. He just isn't turning my head this time, though. Maybe it's his insistence on heterosexuality or my short attention span.

Hillary has always seemed like the Good Democratic Thing To Do. I also believe she could singlehandedly castrate any Republican she wanted. And by singlehandedly, I mean with one hand. By castrate, I mean cut their balls off. Then again, Barack Obama has never said anything to make me doubt that he'd be a perfectly delightful man to turn the White House a little more beige. I have a feeling Mama Obama could have some throw-down state dinners, too. I know she's a refined, educated woman, but wouldn't it be wonderful to have a first-lady capable of pulling "Oh no you di-in't" out of her repertoire when Ahmadinejad utters one of his unspeakables?

The only candidate who has promised to "let" me get married is Dennis Kucinich, who is, ironically, the only candidate I wouldn't invite to my wedding. (Vegetarians: Don't get me started. They fart like a cow with colitis.)

So to all my Iowa friends - both of you. I say, "Vote your conscience. And remember - nobody will remember what you did after South Carolina, so don't take it too seriously."

(Next time: Why the "H" in Jesus H. Christ just may stand for Huckabee.)

Love your hair, hope you win....