Equal Time

So My Therapist Says (in response to the entry "Boundaries"),

"You certainly were moved (albeit angrily) by our last session... hmmm... I think I won the final round. Does all of this have anything to do with your canceling the next two appointments without nary a hint of rescheduling them? Can you say "RESISTANCE"? Looking forward to round 5 or whichever one we are on now."

There's a little function thingamajig on this blog that lets the self-indulgent author decide whether or not to allow any given comment to be posted. It helps keep the KKK-style stuff off the pages and helps us limit the less healthy engagements that anonymity can sometimes encourage. I've received a couple of comments on various entries - nothing to write home about. One man related to a childhood sexual introduction. One lady encouraged me in the quest to stop smoking. One or two responses I've deleted because I wasn't sure they furthered anything. One alluded to being glad he wasn't "the only crazy person on the internet", which I thought was either demeaning of us both or insufficiently humorous. I would have "approved" My Therapist's comment, except that in doing so, his full name would have attached to the comment, thus destroying his anonymity, which I don't feel entitled to compromise. I've copied it verbatim above.

My Therapist and I have had the understanding that this forum exists for quite some time. I know he says he's read parts of it. I've read parts to him in our sessions. It doesn't much matter to me whether he - or anyone else - pays it much mind. It's always been for and about me and I'd be shocked to learn that anyone else gave a shit. Then comes today's commentary.

I am not gifted in the Passive/Aggressive arts, so I may be a bit clumsy at this. If I had the man's email address, most of this would have blazed a hole in his inbox. Absent that option, I am responding here, in the forum where he a) encouraged me to "go home and write 3 blog entries about this" and b) left snarky commentary about how I undertook what he presumed to assign. First the facts, ma'am.

Everything I wrote in the entry "Boundaries" is as true as I recall it to be and nothing is disputable in any material way. I did, in fact, call and cancel my next two appointments with nary a hint at rescheduling. I have a standing appointment on Fridays at 4 p.m. I made the (incorrect) assumption that if I cancel one (or two), we pick up in the same slot later. My error. He has cancelled appointments in the past and the assumption was that we were on for the following week in the same space. I should not have presumed that the person holding the Magical Boundary Checkbook has the same scheduling prerogative. But to answer the question: Yes, it does have everything to do with canceling the next two appointments to put some distance between me and that unsettling session and allow me to really understand what I think about it. In the past when I've shrunk from things he said, I fairly quickly came around to see the wisdom of what was suggested. Not so this time. And since when do I have to give any hint of rescheduling when I cancel? That's some nerve. That's a little like the restaurant getting its back up because you won't be lunching at your usual time for a couple of weeks.

I frankly don't care to keep score with My Therapist. Whether anyone wins or loses any given battle is, admittedly, outside the parameters of why I'm there. That said, it is not nearly so far outside the parameters of why I'm there as the suggestion that we develop a "...romantic, erotic relationship". I am not angry, as asserted above. I am incredulous and highly suspicious of this methodology. While I am there to figure out why I am routinely unsuccessful at relationships, I am not interested in his offer of romantic surrogacy. The thought makes my skin crawl - and not because he's unattractive. He isn't. It's creepy because I pay the man money. I am not going to pay somebody to make me feel like I'm having a relationship with them for 50 minutes once a week. THAT makes me feel pathetic and desperate, a condition I have avoided more successfully than most.

It is inconceivable that I am the only person who thinks this is a little nuts. And, for the record, if you have my phone number, you don't need to leave notes on the blog. I always pick up. And I'm not afraid to have the conversation. Then again, it's probably a lot less profitable to talk long distance when one could do it for $110 an hour and profit from the argument. Even when it's apparently a little personal. So much for settling into "blithe and glib". I'm guessing we're not getting there anytime soon.

I know this much: If that Lady Pastor suggests anything resembling a romantic, erotic relationship, I'm taking two weeks off from church, too.

And no, I won't hint at rescheduling with her, either.