Well, no. No, I don't. But that's the very last time I go to therapy without getting a nap in first. I'd been up since Oh-Dark-Hundred Hours, sat the hospital vigil through the bypass surgery and then repaired to a friend's place for the afternoon until my appointment. When I get tired, I get a little wired, unedited and manic..ish. Then I crash. The show was worth the price of admission, I suppose.
We talked about these ramblings from the past couple of weeks, updated him on not smoking (I had a couple yesterday...sympathy cigarettes). We talked about the religion thing. I laid down the law, as I'd learned it about 1) No Graven Images 2) Mary is a nice lady - only and 3) No Praying To Dead People. We talked about how I can't do the Metropolitan Community Church thing because it's so watered-down as to be unrecognizable as Christianity, to me. And my tenure in The Church of My Choice is always limited by the first time someone takes a potshot at gays or links their political party to my faith. I noted the times I've responded to pious women who thought they were called to lecture me on homosexuality. My response begins, "Paul said women were to be silent in church. If you get to pick which ones you follow, so do I." I don't end up being welcomed back in those places with open arms, which is fine. I know I'm burning the bridge when I open my mouth.
Leaving the doctor's office, I saw a shaggy, hulking, shirtless man who was captivating in his sensuality. My mind automatically fast-forwarded through the hypothetical playing out from our meeting through the possible conclusion. It all happened in a matter of seconds - while I sat at the light. I wondered if I'm the only person who does that. Does everyone fast-forward on What If? When you meet someone, do you run the logarithm of possible outcomes and see, if through a glass darkly, the small number of possible conclusions, for better or for worse? And do you act within that hypotheticlal paradigm, responding to imagined intentions and anticipating a fictitious history that has yet to occur? I think I might. Is that odd?
I realized sitting at that stoplight, quite out of the blue and apropos of nothing whatsoever, that I pre-plan conversations, anticipate situations and script their scenes for future use. I think that may form the basis of why some people think me articulate or well-spoken. It's not that I'm quick on my feet. I just have a good memory. I've had that conversation a hundred times before it ever presented itself. Is that a psychosis? Or is it a gift? It does fill the empty spaces and, I suppose, is one way I entertain myself in my dotage.
The realization also hit me that I bring that same sense of faux-prescience to the table in relationships. I react as though things that have yet to happen are sure to happen. I bob and weave and dodge detours keeping to the script and the blocking I've already seen in my mind. Not bad...except the other person hasn't seen the script and doesn't realize it's a show. Since they're the unwitting star, I can see how that might pose a minor problem. I can see how simple impatience can be mistaken for psychic ability. Why wait for the playing out if you can blurt it out before it happens and hope that the world will turn within your own prophetically prescribed orbit?
My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations;
Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.
But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. James 1:2-4
Wanting nothing. Wanting nothing. Now there's a hook line.
Wouldn't that be nice?
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