Horror Show We Had To Watch: The GOP Debate

OR "90 Minutes We'd Like To Have Back"

Prequel

Ten unhappy white men will admit they are Republicans but would like to be President anyway during the first candidates debate, to be held tonight at the Ronald Reagan Library facing Reagan's airplane, which will be pointed at the candidates in a fittingly threatening manner.

Personally invited by Nancy Reagan, who was presumed dead, the ten will represent the full spectrum of the Elephant Party from frightening to disgusting to "Holy Shit He Said It Out Loud!"

Rudy Giuliani, who has a lucrative mob source of income that we won't discuss in detail because we like our knobby kneecaps, will moonlight as President if elected. Mitt Romney held a private lottery to select which of his wives would attend at his side. John McCain held a similar lottery to see which of his many personas would attend. Results of that contest will not be known until the end of the debate. Nobody at MSNBC could remember the other seven candidates "until they sign in tonight and put on their name tags".

After Therapy will provide gavel-to-gavel coverage of the lying assholes debate soon after its conclusion. Return here, not Fox News or CNN, if you like your coverage fair, balanced and willing to include the word "Bullshit!"

Aside from documenting their racist, classist, fascist, homophobic, war-mongering mantra that would make Rev. Fred Phelps blush, we will be tracking the speed at which they run from their President, George W. Bush, the number of times they tongue-kiss the Religious Right, and whether Cindy McCain appears to be on uppers, downers or a kicky party-mix.

Pat Buchanan, in a pre-debate interview, expressed his dismay at the field of candidates. He told Keith Olberman of MSNBC, "Fuck 'em all! If they don't say 'fag' at least twice, they don't deserve to call themselves a Republican." Buchanan was thought to be hosting a Book Burning Party on K Street in D.C. following the debates, where he will be joined by Phyllis Schlafly, Dr. James Dobson, and Freddie Krueger.

Post-Debate Analysis(in order of loathsome appearance)

Sen. Sam Brownback (Kansas - and we are not proud of that) - Somewhere to the right of Pat Buchanan. Came in a close second by frenching the Religious Right 19 times in 90 minutes. As a result, gets an invitation to join the winner and Jesus in a hot 3-way immediately following the debate. Mentioned "pro-life" five times, never ran from a Bush policy or opposed the war in any way.

Rep. Tom Tancredo (Colorado) - Answered every question with "goddamn illegal immigrants". Reminds us of the guy at Shady Acres Rest Home who rants about Adlai Stephenson to no one in particular as if he'd just had his jello stolen by him. Should go away by July.

Rep. Duncan Hunter (California) - Ran close to the middle of the Republican party, which puts him on the outer fringes of Xenophobia. Managed to suck up to pro-lifers, support the war (he came in 3rd with 4 explicit mentions), invoke Reagan, and also run away from G.W. Bush twice. Should go away by July.

Mike Huckabee (formerly obese Gov., Arkansas) - Was the last man eliminated from the 3-way with the Religious Right, just missing with a mere 6 french kisses their way. Without being a member of Congress or the Administration, managed to run away from the Bush presidency and its policies 5 times (also a 3rd place finish). Should go away by August and put on weight when Republicans lose next November.

Jim Gilmore (former Gov., Virginia) - Hewed close to the party line on practically everything - not that it matters. He has a snowball's chance in hell of being part of the conversation beyond this September.

Rep. Ron Paul (Republican claiming to be Libertarian, TX) - The only question we have about Paul, who has less chance of being nominated by Republicans than Rosie O'Donnell does, is "What On Earth Possessed You To Identify As A Republican?" This man is entirely too sensible to get elected in that party. He really is a Libertarian. We apologize for assuming he was lying, like the rest of the assholes in that party. He may still be an asshole, but he's a reasonable one with some very good ideas. He'll be a non-factor by last week.

Mitt Romney (former Gov. of Massachusetts) - This was fun. He won the Religious Right Lotto and will get his choice of Top or Bottom in the You, Me and Jesus 3-way. He stuck his tongue down the throat of the Religious Right a total of 22 times in 90 minutes. It might have been more. We blinked several times and probably missed another half dozen. We've never seen a Mormon begging Evangelicals for anything that fervently since the days when the latter were burning the former at the stake. He also came in 2nd in the Mention Reagan Contest with 3 explicit references comparing himself to The Very Dead Gipper.

Tommy Thompson (former Gov., Wisconsin & Sec. of HHS under G.W. Bush) - Gave us a full-on erection when he suggested splitting 1/3 of all oil revenues with every man, woman and child. Then he said "...in Iraq". We liked the idea of Tommy Thompson before tonight. We generally don't mind Wisconsin. We thought he was a fish out of water and perhaps a light in the darkness when appointed to the Bush cabinet. We were wrong. He didn't know how many were dead and wounded in Iraq. Wouldn't answer a direct question as to whether he believed in Global Warming. Looked like Huckleberry Hound at a funeral.

Sen. John McCain (Arizona) - Won the War Lotto by explicitly supporting it 9 times (once every 10 minutes). We are probably alone in thinking it sad that the lone P.O.W. in the race is so excited about war. We understand why Cindy takes pills. He managed to smile while uttering the phrase "...prosecute them to the fullest extent of the law." That's just creepy. We think he might be stealing Cindy's pills.

Rudy Giuliani (former mayor, New York City) - Scares us less than the rest of this gang - and mainly because we have seen him in drag and know that he stayed with a gay male couple during at least one of his divorces. Regrettably, when asked to distinguish between Sunnis and Shiites, he gave an answer in ancient Aramaic while crossing his eyes and spinning plates on a garden rake. To his credit, he kept a straight face. And despite the garbled syntax, got it right. (Look it up...you'll care as little as we do.)


Most encouraging is the fact that none of these characters seems to pose a serious threat to any of the Democratic candidates. We can see the light at the end of the Republican tunnel - which is, in fact, a giant rectum. None of them could resist the urge to name Hillary Clinton as Anti-Christ, Whore of Babylon, Wicked Witch Of The West, East, North, And South, and Bill's Wife (The One I Voted To Impeach).

Most interesting...they never said "Barack" or "Obama". We think they're scared. And well they should be. They all avoided uttering "homosexual" or "gay", as well. We assume they're scared of being associated with Ann Coulter or Jim McGreevey. Most tellingly, the name George W. Bush never came up. Like he'd never been born. Jeb Bush, George H.W. Bush, Kate Bush, Bushmen of the Kalahari, and Courtney Love's bush got more mentions than Our Only President. Something tells us they'd be petrified to appear with him in public between now and election day.

And well they should be.