Tastes Like....

This morning, a foul taste coated the tongue like we'd been intimate with a horse and failed to brush afterward. We ate nothing after breakfast, afraid to face 10 Republicans in the Reagan Library on a full stomach, so bewilderment took root.

Then we remembered: The 10 Republicans in the Reagan Library. The experience left an after-taste like Tequila with a Listerine chaser. Looking back over our notes from last night's freak show, it was readily apparent why we're still belching something foul after consuming so much of their bile.

Some highlights that we hadn't included previously:

1. Was it the height of irony that the candidate who had two fingers the furthest up Jerry Falwell's considerable ass was placed on the far left of the stage? We noticed. We wonder if Mr. Romney himself got a chuckle about it while cleaning under his nails after the debate.

2. Rudy Giuliani, arguably one of the least-Republican Republicans, mentioned Ronald Reagan twice in his first answer. Being un-Republican is what most of us liked about him. Talk about throwing away your ace-in-the-hole. We wonder if Signore Giuliani woke up with a smile after screwing himself so efficiently.

3. Sen. McCain managed to affirm his bloodthirst for the war in Iraq five (5!) times in his first answer. And he finished it with "...follow us home." To repeat an earlier assertion by the After Therapy Research Institute for Sen McCain's benefit: They already know where we live. And they can MapQuest it. We get it. You like killing people. Just start a little closer to home so we can review your choice of target first, OK?

4. Sam Brownback is probably defending himself against involuntary commitment proceedings today after suggesting that we partner with reliable "moderate" Muslim nations like Pakistan and Indonesia (that bastion of stability and moderation). Reminded by the moderator, Chris Matthews, that only 12% of the people in those nations like us or support our presence in Iraq, Brownback started picking at his hair and muttering, to no one in particular, "They're coming after us!!" We hope he was referring to Sens. Obama, Clinton and Edwards. Otherwise, we're concerned for 50% of our own Senate delegation.

5. In the Well, Why Didn't You Say So? Sweepstakes, Tommy Thompson takes the prize for saying he would have fired Donald Rumsfeld before the last election. We give him the No Guts, No Glory Award for cheap opportunism after the fact and would now like him to go sit in the corner and ponder what "a little late, asshole" means.

6. We were hoping former Gov. Jim Gilmore of Virginia would complete the sentence differently when he noted that Palestinians, Sunnis and Shiites don't support their own governmental regimes... (like US! See how much we have in common?). But alas, he failed to pick the low-hanging fruit and gets a rap on the knuckles from Sister Omniata of The Order Of Overly Obvious Opportunity.

7. While we found Congressman Ron Paul of Texas highly entertaining, very non-Republican, and very un-Texan, we would like him to follow his own articulated "policy of non-intervention" and apply it to the next debate. Nice to have met you. Now go home. Reminds us of the time we met a guy on the Internet and he showed up at the door a full-on dwarf. We had to fake being our non-existent roommate and explain that the booty-caller was called to the hospital to perform an emergency procedure. Nobody wants to commit to 4 years worth of lying like that. So nobody is voting for Ron Paul. Buh-bye. Although, if more Republicans were like you, we wouldn't need to keep a hammer by the bed at night in fear of them coming in to catch us in the un-biblical act of....sleeping, to be quite frank about it.

8. John McCain opened up and let us see his heart for the first time. It was black, as we suspected. Take this at face value: "My greatest fear is Iran creating a nuclear weapon and giving it to a terrorist organization." Our greatest fear is John McCain not taking medication as prescribed. This tidbit gave rise to the next copycat:

9. Rudy Giuliani said the "worst nightmare of the Cold War is Iran having a nuclear weapon." Note to Signore Giuliani: Maddon', da Cold War is ovah. Ovah! (smack!) Maybe youse should have a sit-down wit da shrink what McCain uses. Have a rigott' pie, relax a little, do some shots at Bada Bing and break out that history book you used to wedge the door shut while you were interviewing new wives under the old ones' noses.

10. Best Over-The-Top and Most Full-Of-Shit Line Of The Night: Sen. John McCain: "I'll follow Osama bin Laden to the Gates of Hell." We would like to contribute to that journey. Please tell us where to send the check. Oh.... Sen. McCain said later that he meant "if we had any idea where he was or if he was even alive." Bold move. Threaten to follow a possibly-dead guy of unknown whereabouts like a hound -- to Hell, if necessary. Major cajones.

We were so inspired, we have voted to follow Richard Nixon around and dog him to the very Gates of.... What? ...... He is? Oh. Nevermind.