Welcome To The Party, Please Remove Your Feet

Sen. Richard Lugar (R - Indiana) has decided that our ongoing military disaster in Iraq is no longer a good idea. He was joined by Sen. George Voinovich (R-Ohio). Word is that more from the Party of Lincoln will voice a similar sentiment after their July 4 vacation.

Nothing screams "Independence" Day like waiting for 90 other people to stand up before you can locate your balls. Way to go, boys. Remind us not to call you for anything requiring leadership, sound judgement, or an independent voice. Spineless jugheads, the lot of them. We hope they get gangrene of the nostrils.

In related developments, Lugar and Voinovich called on the South to abandon slavery, Henry the VIII to stop being mean to wives, and the Aztecs to halt human sacrifices.

We now return you to your regular programming: Dick Cheney And The Hijacking Of Two Branches Of Government. Cheney set a record this past week by declaring himself the recipient of Executive Privilege (Executive Branch of Government), which exempts him from disclosing who's been greasing the wheels of government, and by declaring himself a member of the Legislative Branch of Government, exempting him from disclosing anything at all under the rules that apply to the Executive Branch. Handy.

In related developments, Michael Jackson declared himself both Black and White, Mary Cheney proclaimed herself married and single, and Mitt Romney declared himself Mormon and Not-THAT-Mormon.

Now two young girls have been maimed or kiilled in amusement park incidents. This is not our idea of amusement. But this is... Perhaps this is a message from God that amusement parks should be left to adults and not screaming adolescents. Sort of a refuge from teenagers and people who think strollers belong outside their yard. We're tired of being run down in malls, on sidewalks, and - yes - in amusement parks by people who think their stroller-bound child will charm us all by its mere presence. It doesn't. It's annoying as hell. It is a tribute to my kind that we don't push you both into traffic. And that's not just idle chatter. We have discussed it. We are a people on the edge.

Nancy Grace has announced that she was secretly married and impregnated sometime in the last 90 days. While we have never had anything nice to say about the former Ms. Grace, we would like to extend our best wishes to her husband and say that we understand completely the urge to keep this sort of thing quiet. Grace will continue to draw from her deep well of bitterness for her television persona despite her triple blessing: not just a husband and a pregnancy, but twins. Grace promised to defy joy and continue making a pretty penny from her unhappiness.

Inspired by this freedom to be who one wants to be, we are declaring ourselves rich, good looking and famous despite all evidence to the contrary. We expect Senators Lugar and Voinovich will acknowledge our new status somewhere around the year 2073.

Better late than never? Only if you think spraying water on an extinguished fire counts as helpful. Sometimes you don't get credit for just showing up.