Friggin' Surreal

The former governor of New Jersey, Jim McGreevey, not satisfied to make our shared sexuality the centerpiece of a media circus, will now enter the country's oldest Episcopal seminary, located in New York.

After a week in which his estranged wife told Oprah that she a) didn't believe McGreevey was gay because she never saw him checking out guys AND b)kinda sorta figured he was screwing around AND c) her friends thought he was gay AND d) her sex with him was WAY hot... Well, we thought he'd take a breather from the public eye. Just to let his reputation cool off, if nothing else.

Publicity must get in your blood.

Divorce proceedings include wrangling over where their child will be allowed to eat a communion cracker: she is now the paragon of Catholicism, he a new-born Episcopal on his way to a possible priest gig. Episcopalians are to Catholics what Off-Broadway is to The Great White Way. A Catholic wouldn't take communion from a Baptist preacher on the precipice of Hell if Jesus himself offered a written promise of eternal bliss. An Episcopalian, on the other hand, would consider a bagel during Drag Brunch in the Castro to be good enough to do the trick. There's something to be said for relaxing a little.

As a gay man, I object to McGreevey giving a daily dose of ammunition to the people who think we're just genetically odd. Someone should also clue in his soon-to-be-ex-wife #2 that when you whore yourself out to be First Lady, you have scant room to bitch when the gig goes south. It's not like she had white picket fences in her eyes going in. Now she's a nobody with a tape of herself on Oprah. Good on her. But everyone will remember her as the chick who got dumped for another man and lost her Trophy Wife job in the bargain. Tell me she didn't make a deal with the Devil to trade her common sense for prominence.

If Jim McGreevey would like to continue his status as Big Gay Headline, we would suggest that he spend some time figuring out what it means to be a gay man. Perhaps if he had some big gay substance to underpin his interview schedule, his constant assault on the public consciousness wouldn't be quite so embarrassing for all involved. Take a week in the Castro, have a few breakups, buy a Playgirl at 7-11 from a man with tattoos, get too drunk at a leather bar and wake up hogtied with an amazing collection of clothespins. Or just shut up for a year and live your big gay life.

Contrary to urban myth, we don't have a manual or an agenda. But if we did, page one would include the admonition: No Seminaries or Interviews in the First Year.

For every Ellen and Melissa, Ian McKellen and Doogie, we get a McGreevey, Anne Heche, Bobby Trendy and Boy George. Because the negative has twice the impact as the positive, that makes it One Step Forward, Two Steps Back. It's becoming harder to get excited over the famous folks dancing out of the closet.

Maybe next time we should be more specific in how we pray.

Who Reads This Shit? - The Sequel

We take this opportunity to again salute our readership by noting the most recent 100 visitors to the site. Without you, dear reader, we would probably find someone else to harp at, but we're glad you wandered our way all the same.

Countries represented among the latest 100 visitors include: Brazil, Canada, Sweden, Spain, The United Kingdom, China, Taiwan, Ireland, and Vietnam . Our Vietnamese reader wins the Distance Prize this week. But only if they speak English well enough to realize that they've won the Distance Prize and that it is nothing more than an extended mention in this sentence. See "Who Reads This Shit?" for the earlier list of our worldwide appeal. Four "unknown countries" also visited us in the last few days. We assume this is the CIA or one of its international equivalents. (We'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for having made fun of the black helicopters.)

From within the U.S., the last 100 visitors have been from: Texas (we were frankly shocked that they read down there, but Welcome Y'All!), New Joisey, California, Colorado, Michigan, New York, Indiana, Ohio, Kansas, Missouri, New Hampshire, Washington, Georgia, Pennsylvania and a truckload of instances where the system simply couldn't tell or was ashamed to say in which state the reader lives. We understand completely. Again, consult the original "Who Reads This Shit" for the earlier compilation of states we have polluted.

We appreciate that anyone finds any of this worthwhile, but it is unspeakably enjoyable for us here at After Therapy. We give you the full moon of love on this, Full Moon Wednesday. We would also like to recruit readership in Hawaii and the sundry resort locations so as to impose ourselves upon them for a vacation on the cheap some day. If you have friends or loved ones who can oblige, please drop a note to our Editor-In-Chief with the subject line: "Hey Cheap Ass!" His picture is on the right of this blog. (Note: That is not his ass in the picture above. He wishes.)

We're looking forward to our continued world domination via Internet. We'll check in on the next hundred readers in about a week!

We Are Officially Ashamed

Born in Chicago, but raised in Kansas from infancy through college and the genesis of a career, we have heard it all.

We have ruby slippers on the mantle as a salute to the lamest running joke non-Kansans can muster. We have watched in horror as the State Board of Education changed its mind each election cycle as to whether or not we are evolved or created. (Answer: Most of us have evolved past caring. Honest.)

We would get a little teary-eyed at the first signs of flat lands and wheat fields and horizons that were wider than one's field of vision upon returning from temporary homes in Chicago and San Francisco, Des Moines and Omaha. Screw the Rockies...the flatter the land, the broader the sky. Beaches are nice to visit, but we would take a tornado over a hurricane any day. We knew that the correct response to a tornado siren was to take your good lawn chair outside and sit with the neighbors to see what we could see. We were sold on the big square state in the middle of the map.

Today, though, we have to admit that we are ashamed - however temporarily - to be a Kansan. The Hutchinson Correctional Facility has made national news, courtesy of the ever-active AP Wire Service, by rationing toilet paper.

Toilet paper.

It appears our inmates have been out-shitting expectations. Straight-faced administrators at the prison admitted to a long-standing Four Rolls Per Month policy -- a policy that they had failed to enforce as of late. Knowing that heads roll (forgive the pun) when policy is not enforced, we extend our sympathy to the person(s) who had to explain the circumstances of their unemployment. They will be forever compelled to complete job applications with "Over-provided toilet paper" in answer to the ubiquitous "Why Did You Leave Your Last Job?".

To their credit, the Powers-That-Be at Hutchinson's third-world prison have a corollary to the Four Rolls Rule. It's the "As Needed" exception. One wonders...when is the use of toilet paper willy-nilly and when is it "needed"? We surveyed the After Therapy staff and confirmed that the vast majority of toilet paper usage around the office is definitely "needed".

Steve Schneider, whose phone number and address can likely be Googled in the immediate vicinity of Hutchinson, Kansas, also reiterated the prison's ban on stockpiling soap and toothpaste. Apparently, our shit-happy prisoners are also bathing and brushing to excess. Where do they think they are? Club Med?

The policy is not without merit. An estimated $600 per month can be saved if each inmate uses one roll of toilet paper less each month. Again, we're wondering... Aside from copious cheese consumption, is there a way to make sure you shit one roll's worth less each month? And just how much shitting equals a roll? These are things that prisoners in Hutchinson, Kansas are now cyphering as we speak.

Let it not be thought that we have immense sympathy for inmates. We are four-square in favor of locking up people who have earned it. In fact, we have a list of people not yet incarcerated who we would like to nominate for imprisonment....at Hutchinson's facility. We once did an internship, of sorts, at the Big House in Leavenworth. It scared us shitless...which may go a long way to answering our questions on this issue. Nevertheless, we tend to think that television and PlayStation and vending machines are not things we owe prisoners who have violated the social code of conduct.

But toilet paper? We're fairly sure that when the founding fathers wrote the words "...endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights..." they were talking about things like corn cobs, elm leaves, and the other forerunners to toilet paper. Among the listed rights of "Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness", we are absolutely convinced that toilet paper falls in the top tier of items under The Pursuit of Happiness....along with soap, toothpaste and lube that doesn't get sticky when it dries.

We're hoping to wake up tomorrow to a wholesale rescinding of the Control Your Shit policy. But if it doesn't happen, we'll know where the recently fired neanderthals from our State Board of Education have turned their attention.

And we'll hug our 12-pack Ultra Big Roll of Charmin a little longer than usual.

When Your Madame Apologizes

We were taken aback, to say the least, to hear the (latest) Washington D.C. Pimp Madame is apologizing to a Bush Administration client. Never in a million years did we suspect that sex workers were Republican sympathizers. This changes our entire Friday night plan perspective.


We did a brief poll of our close friends and relatives who have either been or employed a whore sex worker to see just how widespread apologies and Republican sympathizing is in the world's oldest profession industry.


I have a cousin who stands about a quarter of an inch taller than the legal limit for defining a midget "little person". He's the son of my Uncle Richard, who has forever been known as My Favorite Uncle Dick. That's how he refers to himself: Favorite Uncle Dick.


He is, in fact, my favorite and only Uncle Dick. Uncle Dick was the uncle who taught us all the words for the female genitalia in the 2nd grade so we could wow our friends with our willingness to "go there". As Margaret Cho has noted about herself, Uncle Dick doesn't "go there", he lives there.


When his firstborn son came along, my cousin, his loins were bursting with pride and in a fit of hubris he named his first child after himself -- never suspecting what the future might hold for his bundle of joy. For no reason whatsoever and without ever giggling, church-going people tagged them as Big Dick and Little Dick. To this day, they are Big Dick and Little Dick. One is in his 60's, the other his 40's. Little Dick is no man's choice of nickname. But when Little Dick failed to progress past 4'6", the cruelty was almost too much to ponder.


Little Dick would be voted Most Likely To Patronize a Pussy Peddler House Of Ill Repute no matter what demographic you put him in. He's just that kinda guy. I like that about him. Sex is good. If more people had it, the world would be a better place. It's just plain hard to shoot somebody and give head cuddle at the same time. Big Dick would do it, too, only he would send out handwritten notes to everyone before and after the experience and provide details each year over Thanksgiving Dinner. Little Dick would just snicker about it when asked.


Once when we were hard up for money We know someone who copped $50 in college by twisting a man's nipples while he masturbated. So we've seen this situation from both sides. Vicariously, of course. Our question to all of them was simple: Has an apology ever erupted in the course of your boinking business transaction? To a person, the answer was "FUCK NO!" "Not that I can recall."


It left us to wonder, then, just what does it do to a man's ego when his Madame apologizes for having disclosed their relationship? We don't recall Heidi Fleiss ever having second thoughts about doing bidness with Charlie Sheen or the multiple other hotties to whom she provided hookers dates. Nor do we recall anyone ever apologizing for having gotten superior head service in the front seat of an Audi - and we have watched every episode of Ho's On Parade: Our Newest Peddlers of Pussy (HOP ON POP) on HBO.


Apologies for sex are -- and should be rare. Only if you were honest-to-God bad at it, or one's hygiene measures failed, or your teeth, hair or boobs came loose in the process should an apology be in order when the sex is store-bought'n. Purchased sex is the Ugly Man's Prerogative and the Slutty Girl's Career Option. (We use the term "girl" in the unisex manner, as God intended.)


The Staff of "After Therapy" would like to thank those who participated in our poll and hope to someday erase from our memory banks some of the mental images burned into our collective consciousness in the process.


In conclusion, we also issue a call for the D.C. Madame to apologize for apologizing, believing apologies over sex do lasting damage to otherwise good people. We also demand that sex workers stop putting out for Republicans so that they are forced to cope with the uptight harpies to whom they joined themselves to look electable in the "sanctity of marriage".


We hereby launch a nationwide campaign and hope to soon have bumper stickers available: "No Pussy For Puritans...Save Yourself For a Liberal".

An Open Letter To Canada

We were tickled by a characterization of us as "pseudo-liberal" in an anonymous Canadian comment to the preceding post. We hauled out the After Therapy copy of Merriam-Webster's Dictionary to make sure we understood the insult before we issued a thorough response. Our apology to Anonymous In Quebec for not alternating paragraphs between French and English, even though we have a degree in the former.

Neither Merriam nor Webster defined the term for us, so we tried the hip online version. Again, no luck. We were asked whether we had meant to define the following: sodium chlorate, Saudi Arabian (!), saddlebred (only once), saddlebreds, sidereal hour, sidi bel abbes (wasn't she the mother on Dallas?), sidi barrani, soda bread or stilbestrol. We were also offered "spelling help". The very nurve.

Cambridge's various dictionaries were equally unhelpful. So we turned to the Web, thinking perhaps this was a more recent term of art with which we were simply unfamiliar. From the quick view of our googled results, we got: "Liberal is the New Conservative", "Pseudo Liberal = Socialist/Statist", "Pseudo-liberal (JEW!)..." etc. Only then did we realize we'd been nut-kicked by the KKK.

Never one to take it lying down, Feeling it important to respond, we decided to clarify the editorial/political posture of our organization:

1. We believe that people should have sex with whoever and whatever gives them pleasure and does no harm to the environment, the family farm, or unconsenting people.

2. We believe that conservatism is the logical extension of repression and spanking the slow erosion of straight, white, male privilege. As such, said erosion should be encouraged by mocking as many straight, white males per sentence as is grammatically possible.

3. We believe that people who cannot laugh at themselves may as well go ahead and die. Life is going to be one long, plodding, cruel, unenjoyable root canal of a ride.

4. We believe that people who cannot laugh at others are boring do not have their eyes/ears open. People are funny. Admit it.

5. We believe in God, but not the people who associate themselves with Him. We also believe He is a Him because we have trouble remembering to call Him a Her. We admit to not having seen God's gonads, so it's a pure guess, but it's one to which we've become accustomed.

6. We believe anyone who is anonymously gutless pseudo-anything lacks commitment to everything. We, therefore, disabuse everyone of the notion that we are Pseudo-Liberal and proudly admit that we are Card-Carrying Members of The Jihad Wing Of Liberalism.

7. We are non-commital when it comes to Gay Marriage unless you're asking us, and you happen to be over 6'2, male, and willing to listen until your ears bleed. If others want to do it, we don't understand why anyone would care.

8. We don't give a shit about abortion. Have one. Don't have one. We believe, on the one hand, that more abortions means a decent chance that the next Conservative Asshole may be headed off at the womb's pass. On the other hand, we think all surgery entails pain. And we are decidedly Anti-Pain. We also believe that people who don't have a uterus should speak much more quietly on this topic than those who do.

9. We like the environment. We're not giving up Central Heat and Air over it, but we do like it. We also live sufficiently inland as not to be immediately threatened by rising tides. We hope that whoever buys the house upon our death goes completely "green" and replaces it with a tent.

10. We are unabashedly giddy over the acid reflux Nancy Pelosi must give The Other Side. Finally, a better-than-even chance that The Only Speaker Of The House may ride in the S.F Gay Pride Parade behind the 40-mile procession of Dykes on Bykes. We fully expect to take over the White House in another 18 months and restore sexuality and intelligence to The Office Of The Presidency. We also believe that Canadians should generally keep their mouths shut when it comes to our culture or we will be forced to point out that they don't have one.

If Only It Were True!!!

This tidbit arrived in our Letters To The Editor (read: email inbox) today:

"Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an Unidentified Flying Object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government. However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March, 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were all born. See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?"

Being of Pentecostal upbringing, we were naturally inclined to assume this conspiracy was true - much like the Anti-Christ's message in the Procter & Gamble logo. And that Marilyn did not commit suicide. And the black helicopters one. At a bare minimum, we giggled at the coincidence and concurred with the conclusion.

But alas, our crack research staff, which would skip their mother's funeral to de-bunk a funny story, had to go and let all of the air out of this one by looking up the aforementioned's dates of birth. Assholes.

George W. Bush was born on July 6, 1946, before the alien landing, but still a day that will live in infamy. However, exactly 9 months before he emerged from Barbara's fetid womb, on October 6, 1945, General Dwight D. Eisenhower was welcomed into Berlin aboard Hitler's very own train. Coincidence? We think not.

Richard (Ohmigodwhata) "Dick" Cheney was born January 30, 1941, again, before the alien landing. However, at the time of his conception, on April 30, 1940, Brooklyn Dodger Ted Carleton threw a no-hitter against the Cincinnati Reds. The Cincinnati Reds were later owned by a vile woman named Marge Schottenheimer who ate poodles for fun. Coincidence? We think not.

Donald (Rummy) Rumsfeld was born July 9, 1932 in Chicago, before the aliens were born. However, 9 months earlier, on Sept. 27, 1931, the beloved Chicago Bears had been shut out 7-0 by their arch rival Green Bay Packers in the universally reviled state of Wisconsin. Consumed by bitterness and disappointment, Rumsfeld's parents conceived a prodigy whose spit would dissolve concrete.

Bill O'Reilly was born on Sept. 10, 1949. However, on December 10, 1948, exactly 9 months prior, the United Nations adopted the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 19 of which says, "Everyone has the right to freedom of opinion and expression..." They clearly had no idea that on this very day in New York City, William and Angela O'Reilly were in flagrante delicto humping their hearts out to create the child who would one day be Bill O'Reilly. We firmly believe, had they known, not only would the U.N. have left out that article, but that authorities would have shot William and Angela O'Reilly on the spot in a clearly accidental incident.

Condoleezza Rice was born November 14, 1954, about the time the aliens had entered 2nd grade in Roswell. However, nine months earlier, on February 14, 1954 - you guessed it - Valentine's Day. Also, then-Senator John F. Kennedy appeared on Meet The Press. That same year saw the first network news broadcast - in color. The only mildly humorous thing that leaps to mind has to do with colored Democrats, who are unanimously opposed to Condie Rice and her hair. So we respectfully take a pass on this one.

Rush Limbaugh, a name we had intended never to type, was born on a cold, cold day: January 12, 1951, again, well after the alien landing in Roswell. However, some nine months earlier, on April 12, 1950, Eleanor Roosevelt wrote in her diary (we swear on all that we hold holy this is not fiction): "If there is one thing that enrages anyone who has an interest in young people, it is that it should be possible for teen-age youngsters to obtain narcotics and become addicts. If it is possible to clamp down hard on every narcotic peddler, it must be done—and done right away." You can look it up. We were shocked at the coincidence. But then our Prayer-A-Day calendar reminded us that there are no coincidences. So there you have it. At conception, he was cursed to at least addiction by Eleanor Roosevelt's private precursor to Just Say No.

Dan "Spelling Bee" Quayle, was born February 4, 1947, a mere 6 months after the alien landing. Assuming that alien offspring may mature faster in utero, we are completely willing to believe that former Vice-President Quayle is, indeed, the offspring of Extra-terrestrials and sheep. However, nine months prior to his unfortunate birth, on May 4, 1946, President Harry S. Truman misspelled the word "Nuremberg" in a letter written to Mr. Willis Smith, President of the U.S. Bar Association, thanking him for his trip to "Nurmberg" concerning the trying of Nazi War Criminals. (We did not make that one up, either.)

Our conclusion? The truth is almost always stranger and more frightening than fiction. But we will be trying to get our Research Staff laid so that they don't waste another day debunking simple jokes we receive in the office.

Is Nothing Safe Anymore?

We read with interest a news item from New Hampshire in which 70 year-old store clerk Judy Brenner, who just spent 5 of her waning hours completing the Boston Marathon, outran a teen-aged (alleged) thief with a half-gallon jug of hooch under his jacket. The world is a different place than the one in which I grew up.

Thinking that our perceptions were a bit askew, we did a test with a half-gallon container of milk. Granted, this body is not what it used to be when it comes to endurance tests. We imagined, however, that we could probably outdistance our grandmother in a pinch. This writer is in his extremely late 30's (42, to be exact). Granny is 83 and some change. That puts us closer in age than Judy Brenner and her humiliated teen, but provides a decent benchmark for evaluating the state of the world.

Grandma thought we had either lost our remaining marble or were trying to cash in on whatever inheritance may be headed our way as first-born of a generation. She's a game gal, though. I donned a jacket capable of sequestering the milk and did a few deep knee bends to prepare for the experiment. Granny showed up in a track suit with a stop watch and a personal trainer who had far too much knowledge of her pulse rate, personal best in the 100 Meter Dash and unfair tips on accelerating around the corner of the house.

I had a panic attack that delayed the start of our exercise. I flashed back to the one week I spent on the 7th grade track team. On that first day in 1976, the track coach at Santa Fe Trail Junior High School, whose given name was The Sadist, as I recall, pointed to the oval asphalt track and told sixty 12-year-olds to "run". I was game. I was fast. The previous year I collected a pocketful of ribbons that testified to my fleet-footed acumen. So I ran.

I had no older friends who might have warned me that "Run" is a complete sentence with no modifiers. "Run" means "until you die" on the first day of 7th grade track practice. I ran until I sensed that my stomach was no longer on board for extended traveling. I ran until my lunch disembarked the vehicle. Then I didn't run.

The Sadist barked something at me, which, above the din of heaving and the Angel of Death wooing me to The Light, sounded like, "I hope you die! I've been waiting to kill you since birth! If you show up tomorrow, I'll throw rocks at you while you run!" Or something. It was a rude revelation that puking does not excuse a person from running. It was simply incidental to the exercise - like sweating, apparently. This went against my 12 year-old Core Values, which was a list of one: No Puking. That list has not changed substantially in the last 30 years.

I spent the next couple of days showing up to track practice and staring down The Sadist, all the while contemplating the wisdom of hurling myself through the air over a bar that seemed perfectly content not to be moved from its perch. I pondered whether I needed to heave a cannonball when modern munitions had made firing one at high speed much more effective. I eyed the javelin with nothing less than homicidal intent, shifting my gaze from The Sadist to the javelin and back again. It wasn't my first brush with murderous intent. I had already (allegedly) pulled a disassembled service revolver on my 6 year-old sister who failed to appreciate the sensuality of the older brother on Flipper. I was a force to be reckoned with.

The next week, I auditioned for the children's choir for the KC Philharmonic's production of Leonard Bernstein's "Mass". No running involved. I sang like my life depended on it. And I got the job - one of 12 from the entire known universe to be selected to sing on The Big Stage, as I called it well into my 20's. I sang my resignation from the track team to The Sadist - to his utter bewilderment. "RUN!" he barked. And I did. All the way to my newly found theatre dreams and my first choreographer! There is no barfing in dance, FYI.

I considered that making my grandmother chase me around her yard to retrieve a half-gallon of milk was an ill-conceived notion that could not possibly end well. If she dropped dead mid-race, I would never be able to brag openly about my victory. I would be The One Who Killed Grandma and Stole Her Milk. If she caught me, I would be on CNN alongside the New Hampshire teen, only this time as the 40-something man who died thirty yards into stealing his elderly granny's milk. I would go down in history as one of the most reviled, incompetent criminals of all time.

I think Grandma was disappointed when I faked a hamstring injury while stretching. I valued her pride and my inheritance too much to let her know that I'd let her off the hook. Perhaps when she's 90 and I really need the milk, we'll give it another go. Or not. Old folks are not made the same way as when I was a teenager.

Just ask the kid in New Hampshire.

Horse Races Are For Horses

We were asked yesterday, by America Online, to rate the Democratic hopefuls following the most recent debate. We were flattered, to say the least, but did our patriotic duty to give an early rating to the Great Eight who showed up in South Carolina.

Only upon submitting our humble opinion did we realize that we were one of 112,251 people asked. So much for early fame.

Believing that the weekly opinion polls of the unwashed, ill-informed masses are the very worst way to decide on a president, we will here present the candidates from Our Party and their stances on a succession of issues that we deem relevant. Today's issue: Deviants' Desire To Jump The Broom.

Where they stand on Gay Marriage, Civil Unions, and Kissing On The First Date:
(in order of how well we liked them in the S.C. Debate)

1. Sen. Barack Obama - "...personally, I do believe that marriage is between a man and a woman." (From a statement on the Federal (Anti Gay-)Marriage Amendment on the floor of the Senate, 6/5/2006.) "But most of us do believe that gay couples should be able to visit each other in the hospital and share health care benefits; most of us do believe that they should be treated with dignity and have their privacy respected by the federal government." (From the same speech.) Barack wishes you well in the hospital, but don't plan any bedside hitchin'. It's enough that he'll let you in plug-pulling range. Happy now?

2. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton - "... opposes same-sex marriage but supports civil unions between members of the same sex. During her husband's administration, she supported the Defense of Marriage Act, a law preventing the federal recognition of same-sex marriage." - PlanetOut Network, February, 2006. Hillary would like to be invited to your reception, but prefers not to know what happened before it or what may occur after.

3. Former Sen. John Edwards - "Edwards indicated that this issue was the 'single hardest social issue' for him and that he had engaged in a lot of 'personal struggles' over this issue. He believes that same-sex partners in committed relationships should have civil rights and should be afforded the dignity and respect to which they are entitled. He struggled with the question of 'how we achieve this?..whether it is through civil unions or partnerships.' He indicated that he is certainly for all of the non-discrimination and equal benefits provisions. However, he said that it was a 'jump for me to get to gay marriage?I am not there yet.'" - Pandagon, N.H. Town Meeting, 12/29/2006 This comes as a profound disappointment, not only as public policy, but for our personal fantasies in the possible post-Elizabeth (God forbid) era.

4. Sen. Chris Dodd - The geriatric Dodd has children aged 2 and 5, so should be assumed to have a healthy appreciation for sex, in general. He said his daughters could grow up to be lesbians and that he hopes they would have the opportunity to enjoy marriage-like rights."They may grow up as a different sexual orientation than their parents," he said. "How would I want my child to be treated if they were of a different sexual orientation?" -From a N.H. Public Radio broadcast, 4/4/2007. Great. Just what we need. More lesbians. Dodd voted against the Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriages.

5. Sen. Joe Biden - Voted "Yes" to Bill Clinton's Defense of (Heterosexual) Marriage Act in 1996, Voted "No" to Constitutional Amendment Banning Gay Marriage ten years later (2006, for the mathematically challenged). Anybody's guess what this decade may bring. Inferring, we would say that he doesn't mind us getting married as long as we don't steal currently married straight folks to do it. We think.

6. Former Sen. Mike Gravel - You're not going to vote for him. What do you care? Whatever his position, he'd rather you did - or didn't - marry while Bush and Cheney rotted in Guantanamo. And you can't entirely dislike a guy with those priorities. (Gravel's Press Secretary, Alexander Colvin, told C-Span that "Sen. Gravel unequivocally supports same-sex marriage and opposes the Defense of (Heterosexual) Marriage Act.") There.

7. Gov. Bill Richardson - If the couple is Hispanic, he's going to take a little longer to mull his position, but officially: He's against gay marriage, for civil unions, and against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (according to comments outside a Portsmouth, N.H. ship yard on 4/5/2007). In other words, he'd really rather see you shot in Iraq than joined at the altar. If there's a different interpretation, we're open to hearing it. But we're pretty sure that's what he means.

8. Rep. Dennis Kucinich - Nobody is voting for Kucinich. He's a vegetarian. That's all you need to know. Vegetarians have noxious gas. They're pro-everything. That's the only way they can have friends in spite of their flatulence. ("Sure he farts a lot, but he'll probably send a FABULOUS wedding gift. He's on the list.") Kucinich displayed a skeevy hand-holding posture with his mail-order bride in the Spin Room after last night's debate in South Carolina. (Not unlike the stomach-churning moment we all had when Michael Jackson tongue-assaulted Elvis's Only Child on National TV.) This makes us glad that he's not actively pursuing a gay marriage of his own. THAT's all we'd need.

Look for more updates on the issues - and the horse race - in later days.

"After Therapy"....Where we don't even pretend to be fair. Or balanced. Or sober.

Scourge Of Modern Cinema Dead

Jack Valenti, Movie Ratings Pioneer, Dies at 85
By DAVID GERMAIN
AP
Los Angeles (April 26) - Jack Valenti, the former White House aide and film industry lobbyist who instituted the modern movie ratings system and guided Hollywood from the censorship era to the digital age, died Thursday. He was 85.
(photo: Fred Chartrand, AP)

As cultural throwbacks go, Jack Valenti, who had every chance to be a voice for freedom of expression based on his Kennedy associations, instead used his prominence to put a permanent pock-mark on the face of artistic expression.

His MPAA Ratings System (G, PG, R, X, etc.) did more to limit the freedom of directors, writers, actors and the American public who would consume their work than Joe McCarthy, Don Wildmon, and Michael Powell (former head of the Federal Communications Commission) put together.

By slapping his arbitrary rating on every single piece of cinema produced in the last 40-some years, he escorted the film industry from blatant blacklisting to a more underhanded form of censorship that Americans could swallow. His assignment of an "X" to a piece of work based on language or sexual content was the kiss of death to many an expression that might have survived had it relied on blood and guts instead.

Rather than revel in his demise, we here at SMTS instead hope to revel in the demise of the system to which he gave birth. If parents want to have an advanced clue as to what their children may view in the theatre, they can pay $20 like the rest of us and see it first.

Here's hoping this is one man who gets to take his creation to the grave with him.

South Carolina Democratic Debate

We gawked over our cold fried chicken and potato salad at a voice we didn't remember ever having heard before tonight. Our ears were finely tuned to see if we could begin to make a decision between Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards (for whom we voted in the last Democratic primary). But our jaw dropped over the name and voice of a man who captured our attention with his vigor, candor and refreshingly righteous views.

Why isn't anyone talking about former Sen. Mike Gravel (D-Alaska)?!?! (pronounced gruh-VELL, at right) We realize Alaska is one of the Why Bother States for the media Powers That Be in New York, L.A. and Atlanta unless the topic is drilling in ANWR (the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve). But this man threw his hat into the ring with a grenade attached to it and we have to say, "Well done!"

Not only did he say "Get Out!" when it comes to Iraq, but he also suggested, with nary a hint of cordiality, that we throw the war's architects in jail, commandeer the Congress to enforce the will of the American people, and generally run roughshod over anybody with a W bumper sticker left from 3 years ago. AND he managed to do it all while making it seem eminently do-able. In fact, we're left wondering why our Ladies & Gentlemen On The Left didn't make this part of their First Hundred Days agenda.

Our favorite, Sen. Edwards, was nauseatingly cautious. Sen. Clinton was triangulating with the best of them. Sen. Obama did what he was supposed to do - not look foolish in the company of more experienced people. Sen. Dodd overcame the disparity between his eyebrows and his disturbingly full head of hair to sound like someone who could well be Vice-President. Sen. Biden avoided two-hour answers and managed to display self-deprecation. Rep. Kucinich looked only slightly less crazy than usual, but took up time and space better spent on more likely candidates. Gov. Bill Richardson deep-sixed himself with a single answer about being last to call for Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez's resignation on the basis of their shared race. He can look forward to a replay of that quote in his re-election campaign for New Mexico Governor while he hopes for another cabinet appointment.

Clearly, there is a concerted and coordinated effort between the camps not to lob bombs at each other and give the Other Party material for the general election in 16 months. Nobody passed that memo to Mike Gravel, because nobody realized he would be there until he showed up on the stage. Good plan. Don't look for the Other Party to be as measured and reasonable in their approach to each other or the eight candidates who appeared in Dixie tonight. Gravel showed so little concern for the politesse that was common among the others that his very lack of diplomacy qualifies him under the John Bolton Rule to be the next administration's U.N. Ambassador. (Think Don Rumsfeld with a soul.)

He may have been incommunicado for the last 25 years, but Sen. Gravel found his voice tonight to at least hand over the spoon that should stir this pot for as long as his finances will allow. What's more, he communicates Dennis Kucinich's plan and trumps him with a furrowed brow and a booming delivery. As a President, Gravel would be an unmitigated failure. But we love the idea of hearing Sen. Gravel's voice in the debate.

Our question to Sen. Gravel is simple: Where the hell have you been since Vietnam? And welcome back.

Worst Recipe We Ever Tried

From the test kitchen of SMTS, we bring you our greatest mistake ever. We once prepared this dish for a party. Upon arrival at the party site, we noticed a hint - a soupcon, if you will - barely a dab of the concoction on the side of the dish. We snagged it with our thumb, popped it in the mouth and immediately ran for the nearest receptacle.

This is not just bad. It's evil. This is what you take to the party when your ex invites you to meet his younger, hotter boyfriend. This is what you take to the office when you plan to quit on Monday. THIS is what you take to your mother-in-law's home, just out of spite.

Remember...This is NOT to be eaten.

Savory Cheesecake

1/4 C. breadcrumbs

1/4 C. Parmesan cheese

2 8 oz. packages cream cheese

1/3 C. heavy cream

4 eggs

2 - 3 drops Tabasco sauce

1/2 lb. bacon finely chopped

1/2 lb. bleu cheese

1 small onion, chopped

Cook bacon in a skillet until crisp. Drain on a paper towel. Saute the onion in 1 T. of the bacon grease. Set aside to cool slightly.Mix together breadcrumbs and Parmesan cheese in a bowl. Shake them into a buttered 9 inch spring form pan. Remove excess.

Add the cream cheese, cream, eggs and Tabasco sauce together in a mixing bowl. Beat until creamy. Add the onions, bacon and blue cheese to bowl and blend well.Pour mixture into the prepared pan. Shake to settle and to get rid of air bubbles.

Place the pan in a larger pan with 2 inches of water. You may need to wrap aluminum foil around the cheesecake pan, depending on your pan.

Bake at 325°F. for 1 hour and 30 minutes. Turn off oven and crack the door. Remove the cheesecake from the larger pan. Leave cheesecake in the oven. RUN! The smell alone will violate your lease.

And You Thought Their Religion Was Odd

Our friend and SMTS Pastor, Pat Robertson, has explained the ways of the world to us once again. As we've noted before, Rev. Pat invites you to "Bring It On" at his Web site, 700club.org.

This week, Concerned in Columbus raises the ugly spectre of Mail Order Brides (never mind the cost of postage). You remember the drill...we give you the real question and then two answers - one from Rev. Robertson and one from the editorial staff of SMTS. You can then ask your office mates to join in the fun and try to guess who wrote which answer! (We are nothing if not entertaining.)

Question:

I have a friend who is literally shopping for a bride from overseas. He picks a girl from a company list and calls them. He then asks them personal and sexual questions so that he can see if they are, quote, ‘compatible.’ I think this sounds wrong and he’s mistreating this women. What do you think? Is this a valid way of finding a wife?

Answer A:

Recent worldwide demographic reports show that female infants are outnumbering male infants by a nearly 2-to-1 ratio. Even among the adult population, single women outnumber single men by a staggering number across all age ranges and socio-economic demographics - no matter what that Anne Heche show says. Catalogues, in general are a crapshoot. Web sites are far more effective marketing and shopping tools, with video, sound and text lending a 3-D experience to spouse shopping.

You wouldn't date someone with the intent of finding a spouse without asking important, intimate questions if you were sitting at Bible Camp, so why forego the same ritual from afar? Nobody wants a frigid Finn landing on their doorstep - or worse, some Muslim. It is no sin to make clear your understanding of sexual matters: Missionary Only Elsewise You'll Be Lonely, like you learned in Sunday School. Relax. Jesus is Lord over everything...even the mail.

Answer B:

It sounds like your friend is a voyeur who’s playing games, and he might as well be doing phone sex, what you’re talking about. I see nothing wrong with looking for a bride in some of the countries where there are women who are looking for husbands. But I think the most important compatibility is spiritual, what is the spiritual attitude of somebody. I remember Billy Graham said a few years, and I endorse the statement emphatically, that if you take an unbeliever as a mate, you’ve got the devil for your father-in-law. And you just don’t know what you’re getting from some overseas country. I mean, take something who is an idol worshipper and has demons.

I mean, a lot of things can happen. I don’t know exactly what it is. But there are also some beautiful women, very dedicated women, who are living in poverty in places like Russia and the Ukraine, etcetera, who would just love to come to America. But you’ve got to also understand their motives. Are they coming because they want to be Americans, and the minute they get over here and get the right credentials, they’ll go bye-bye? I mean, it’s a dangerous game.

Hindu God Coughs Up Missing Mom

Monkey God Belches, Mother Found
(SMTS, New Delhi, File Report) -

Sareesh Jankar, a mother of five and devotee of Hindu God, Lord Hanuman, walked to safety over the god's incisors Thursday. She had been missing since dining with the deity late last month at New Delhi hotspot "Ramajareeshnukapur".

Indian authorities had used search dogs and even a team of specialist hyenas on loan from neighbor and longtime agitator Pakistan, but had given up hopes of finding Jankar after 2 weeks of fruitless hunting. Authorities had not considered the god a "deity of interest" prior to her surprise emergence at daybreak Thursday.

The Monkey God denied wrongdoing, indicating that the date had gone swimmingly, including banging laundry on a rock, shrieking to the radio, and consuming surprising amounts of cumin-laden hors d'oeuvres. "One minute, we're kissing passionately and the next thing I knew, she was gone. I figured she'd bailed, " the Monkey God said.

When he experienced serious heartburn in his sleep, Lord Hanuman said, he assumed it was the cumin, which has never really agreed with him. "She went to so much trouble to fix it, I felt like I should eat it and take a Prilosec later. When you're a Monkey God, it's not like you have women lining up to be your booty call," he noted.

When asked whether gods swallowing people was a common occurrence, Indian officials declined to comment, citing fear of widespread digestion. Jankar's oldest child, Aneesh, told People Magazine (India) that he had begged his mother not to become close with the Monkey God. "I got one look at the size of his mouth and I just knew....I just knew....," he said, his voice trailing off in emotion.

Indian officials were mum on whether charges would be filed against the deity, citing jurisdiction problems. Asked if the Indian government would be issuing widespread warnings about the dangers of dating a god, Minister of Information Neela Ramikanishur-Steinberg said in measured tones,

"Naughty gods need love, too."

Big Gay Vacuum

Rosie Bids Adieu to "The View"
Posted Apr 24th 2007 10:35PM by TMZ Staff

There is a strong buzz in Hollywood that Rosie O'Donnell will announce Wednesday (April 25) that she is leaving "The View" -- and she'll make the announcement on the show.

Say it ain't so. Just when we'd decided to break our Star Jones-inspired boycott of The View (before she was fired and liposuctioned), we learn that our favorite View Gal and all-'round good egg Ro' O'Do' is beating feet for a yet-to-be-announced gig.

It's no secret that our gal Ro is in the running to replace Bob Barker as Groper-In-Chief at The Price Is Right. We think it's beneath her, but The Biggest Lesbian in TV has earned the right to do whatever her heart desires. Barbara Walters was seen wearing Depends, as the departure of her ratings savior has caused her to shit uncontrollably. Donald Trump has retreated to an undisclosed location.

The oncoming dearth of real gay voices on TV is chilling. Neil Patrick Harris and T.R. Knight notwithstanding, Ellen DeGeneres is the only free-speaking, be herself gay personality on the tube. And we all know Ellen has a laser-like focus on being funny. Good on her. Politics ain't for the weak-hearted. Donna Brazile (CNN) almost counts, but nobody gives a homo-bathed opinion on the day's events and the state of the world like Rosie. She's an old time, bomb-lobbing, conservative knicker-twister who created her own mold. She turned heads, stomachs, and daytime TV on its head with her wit, courage, and thinly-veiled gay rage. We'll miss her for as long as she's gone...which shouldn't be long.

The View has been an ideal, high-profile place for a Big Gay Gal to speak her mind to desperate homebound housewives in the a.m. While we acknowledge the potential entertainment value of an all-new set of skill games on The Price Is Right (Spot The Fake Boobs, Shar-pei or Star Jones?, Pin The Subpoena On The Republican, Pick a Toup' For The Trump), we think there are obvious pitfalls to a lesbian having "Come On Down" as her catch phrase. We're going on record as betting that she's not seriously after Barker's job. Watch for another rant opportunity to fall on her plate faster than you can say "Star Jones Married A Queer". She's instant ratings. And that matters.

The right place for O'Donnell, if not in government, is Air America Radio. This Speak Truth To Power powerhouse deserves an unfettered soapbox where she need not apologize to Baba Wawa every time she says what the rest of us were thinking. And nobody should have to sit that close to Elizabeth Hasselbeck without having the option of punching her in the mouth. We say, "So long Ro'....and God's speed."

No worries here about this TV Titan landing on her feet. The only question is who else's feet will she land on? We're hoping they're big and important. And a gentle reminder to Ms. Walters: You made your bones asking tough questions of powerful people. Let's hope this isn't a sign that you've lost your backbone due to osteoporosis...or a simple lack of guts. Daytime TV was in desperate need of a conversation about something other than EVOO and how bra straps cut into the back. Regis is so yesterday. Rachael Ray is an over-hyped flash in the pan. And Tyra Banks...well, bless her heart.

Oprah is everlasting because she is who she is. Rosie is in the same mold - only with a potty mouth. And that makes her a lot more like us than Oprah will ever be.

Ms. Fonda Is Not Happy

(CBS) Jane Fonda is siding with the studio executive who blasted Lindsay Lohan for partying too much, acting like a spoiled child and showing up late for work while filming "Georgia Rules."

We can't say that we're surprised. Lindsay "Lips" Lohan and Jane Fonda were a combustible combination from the get-go. Not since Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin teamed up for....what was the name of that movie again?...have we been this sure that someone would get bitch-slapped before the director yelled "Cut! And cover your cooch!"

We simply commend Ms. Fonda for her strong defense of the inherently honorable thespian profession. Also laying waste to Lohan's behavior: Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Paula Poundstone, Colin Farrell, PeeWee Herman, and various rappers. You know you've gone too far when people who WANT to see your pussy think you're skanky for showing it. Oh...and for not showing up to work on time.

We did not break our No Pussy Moratorium lightly here at SMTS. We thought long and limp about whether it was a necessary part of the story or if it simply appealed to the most base instincts. Concluding that base instincts are the fun ones, we went with the pussy picture.

"But you're GAY!" We know, we know. It's not like we touched it or anything. In fact, we edited this post while wearing gloves. We also delayed our morning bagel until the offending orifice was safely out of the viewing window. As a matter of policy, we are pro-vagina for the purposes of perpetuation of the race. We simply choose not to participate. We abdicate, in simpler terms. We defer to others more qualified. And more inclined.

To those who accuse us of Gratuitous Pussy, we say "Go ask Jane." We could not find a picture of Lindsay showing up late to work or flubbing her lines. So we went for the easy shot. Our options were "Pussy" or "Martini". And let's face it....Pussy Sells.

Kudos to Fonda for joining Donald Trump as leaders of the brand new and utterly unlikely Wholly Holy On Responsibility, Ethics & Seriousness (WHORES) For The Media. What's this world coming to when B-listers show up late, party 'til dawn and eschew thongs for the commando media grab? We have been to rehab any number of times (visiting friends, naturally) and can tell you that the paper undies they make you wear do not encourage good skivvy habits. So don't expect a change on that note from Ms. Lohan.

On the topic of Stars Behaving Badly, we feel led to add a novel note to the Alec Baldwin saga. If our mother had left the kind of phone message Mr. Baldwin left on his daughter's answering machine, "Rude....pig....rude....pig....pig....pig", we'd assume Mom was in a very good mood and we were probably going to Pizza Hut. When our parents were pissed, "rude little pig" would have sounded like the title of a fairy tale compared to what we really heard. So we're left to wonder: What's The Big Deal? Did anybody grow up in a house where "rude little pig" was a shocking reprimand from a parent?

Alec: Stop using the telephone. Lindsay: Put your clothes on. You're already running late. It can only help. Jane: Don't criticize half-naked, drunken children. It's beneath you. Donald: Go away. Kim: Take a Valium and learn what real curse words sound like.

Note to all, to quote the woman who used to look like Joan Rivers: ...Grow up.

Foreign Policy: The Lost Puppy Approach

"We want to defeat them there, so we don't have to face them here...If we retreat -- were to retreat from Iraq, what's interesting and different about this war is that the enemy would follow us here. " - Pres. Geo. W. Bush, April 10, 2007 to a Fairfax, Va. American Legion post.

We would like to assure Our Only President that the flaws in his reasoning are understandable, but disappointingly untrue, nonetheless. When this line began falling upon our constantly pricked-up ears 5 years ago, we thought something sounded slightly amiss. Before we issued an official policy statement, however, we decided to do some research of our own.

First, we went to a Kansas City drinking and dancing establishment, inserted ourselves into the mix of writhing, sweating, heaving chests and chatted up several of the locals. Upon leaving, we asked an objective bystander (a homeless man who will do anything for a cigarette and the ice from your drink) to count how many of the locals followed us home. We regret to inform you that despite leaving our address on countless tables and walls, no one followed us home.

Strike One for the President's Theory.

Next, we attended an Earth Day celebration where domesticated animals roamed freely amongst women with arm pit hair and men who had eschewed deodorant in 1963. We had filled our pockets with Liva Snacks to increase our - and the President's - chances of being successful. Again, no luck. No dogs followed us home. But "Prairie Princess" calls once a week to see if we're available for a vanilla chai and a nude fire circle come the next full moon.

Strike Two for the President's Theory.

We allowed for the notion that perhaps this only works when there is an ocean involved. So, being on a limited corporate travel budget, we hopped from Houston to Ft. Lauderdale. We stood on the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale expecting legions of Houstonians to come swimming ashore at any minute. Again, sundown came and aside from sand in our shoes, nothing came home with us.

Strike Three for the President's Theory...and now we're convinced.

We don't get a lot of muslims in Kansas, so finding an actual citizen of the Axis of Evil was difficult. Thanks to the Internet, however, we did connect with a Koran-wielding Cake Decorator on a popular hook-up site. Ali Koresh Raflahegi assured us that Rand McNally revealed the whereabouts of The New World to most of Asia shortly after Christopher Columbus returned from schtupping deliciously dark-skinned natives on our friendly shores. "We don't need to follow your troops home to find you," Ali noted. "We have MapQuest."

Well, color us embarrassed. We're sending an urgent cable to Our Only President post-haste to inform him of these developments. It is our hope that he will cease his suggestion that terrorists don't know the way to San Jose unless they have someone to follow.

In fact, we hope he stops speaking altogether.

(Our thanks to the Science and Research Staff of "So My Therapist Says" for their many contributions to this report.)

Monday Puzzle: Spot The Irony, Solve The Mystery

Former Russian president Yeltsin dead (CNN.com)
Former President Boris Yeltsin, who engineered the final collapse of the Soviet Union and pushed Russia to embrace democracy and a market economy, has died, a Kremlin official said today. He was 76. Kremlin spokesman Alexander Smirnov confirmed Yeltsin's death, but gave no cause or further information.

Far be it from us to use the death of a world leader to poke fun. But this one is just too easy.

Here's how the game works: Spot the irony in the news lead (above). Once you've found it, you can call the Kremlin coroner and save him hours and hours of autopsy-related cutting and pasting.

Since this is our first Blog-based game, we're giving you a hint to get you started:

Still stumped? OK. Two hints. And yes, that is a drunken Ann Coulter doing a thunder-thighed Macarena in the background. Solves more than one mystery, doesn't it?

Next: Kylie Minogue Takes Down Cheney

Crow and Rove Debate Global Warming
AP
WASHINGTON (April 22) - Karl Rove's debate with singer Sheryl Crow and producer Laurie David about global warming heated the atmosphere at a black-tie Washington dinner.

Well, we knew it would happen sooner or later. Karl Rove would have to answer for his role in something eventually. For whatever reason, we really thought Congress would beat Sheryl Crow to the punch.

The story goes that the former, almost Mrs. Lance Armstrong (a title shared with Matthew McConaughey, if you believe everything you hear) approached Rove at the Yuk Fest that is The Washington Correspondents' Dinner. Ms. Crow reportedly asked Mr. Rove to reconsider his position on Global Warming and to look into the whole Earth is Flat theory, as well.

Rove reportedly lost his mind and declared himself King of 37 states, all notably inland and immune from the effects of rising tides. In Rove's defense, the evening was hosted by Rich Little, a long-dead comedian who resurrected his Richard Nixon impression without a hint of irony. We at SMTS believe that 15 minutes of Rich Little could make anybody cranky and not just a little delusional.

Famed documentarian, Laurie David, who shot the Al Gore documentary, "An Inconvenient Truth" had initiated the exchange. David was present to collect footage for her next piece, a revealing look at elective dentistry, with the working title "An Inconvenient Tooth". David captured the entire exchange on a handheld video camera, but reports that in the editing process it was discovered that Rove's image ceased to appear on tape the moment he began to rant. The White House worked quickly this afternoon to quell suspicions on The Hill that Rove is an actual demonic entity whose image cannot be captured on film once he "manifests".

President Bush, who declined the traditional opportunity to poke fun at himself, instead spent 10 uncomfortable minutes expressing his anguish over the Virginia Tech massacre and explaining that his nickname for Rove, "Beelzebubba", was "in no way related to Satanism, The Prince of Darkness, or Dr. James Dobson."

Joan Dellabiagio, a former housekeeper for John Ashcroft said, "This is not the first time. At a Christmas party in 2003, Rove went ape when someone mentioned Hanukkah. I snapped his picture at that very minute, but the photo only shows the bar and a Jewish guy who appears to be arguing with the Christmas tree. Weird."

Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez issued a statement that says, "I have hours of footage of Karl losing his cool. Take my word for it, he's no demon. " When asked if he would testify to that under oath, the Attorney General said, "Are you kidding? Every time I touch a Bible, it leaves a scar."

Gonzalez also declined to produce the videos, citing national security concerns.

...And A Gently Used Play Station

Internet Key in Probe of Tech Gunman
Killer Bought Ammo Clips on eBay
By ADAM GELLER and CHRIS KAHN
AP
BLACKSBURG, Va. (April 22) - Computer forensics are playing a key role in the probe of the Virginia Tech gunman, with investigators revealing he bought ammunition clips on eBay designed for one of two handguns used to kill 32 people and himself.

This is how you know when your culture has made mass murder too easy. It's hard to line 30 people up and successfully execute them when you're relying on a baseball bat, a knife, and a rock.

But a PayPal account, 2 minutes on eBay, and a legion of dullards misreading the 2nd Amendment puts mass murder, quite literally, right at your finger tips. The asshole bought his ammo on eBay! No gas money to make it to Wal-Mart for your bullets? No problem! No cash to hand over the counter at Bubba's Ammo and Bait? No problem! Think they'll recognize you as the Crazy Asian Guy if you ask the neighbors to borrow several hundred rounds of ammo? No problem! EBay brings the 2nd Amendment to life for you: the broke, the crazy, and the gutless.

No background checks required. No I.D. necessary. No tracking, no limits, no risk... No common sense. The NRA has hoodwinked a good part of the populace and has alternating presidents in its pocket. For every Rep. Carolyn McCarthy (D-NY) who responds to gun violence by becoming an advocate for common sense restrictions on weapons, there are 1,000 turkey hunters who insist an Uzi is required to bring the gobbler to the table. And if not required, it should at least be on the list of options

The right to bear arms is guaranteed in the context of a well-regulated militia, not an unregulated Internet purchase. Without diminishing the responsibility of the individual who committed the heinous Virginia Tech murders (Seung Hui Cho), we should be taking a long, hard look at just how enabling we expect to be.

My dog's license has to be renewed annually. My Medicaid eligibility is reviewed every six months. My driver's license has to be renewed every 6 years. My state requires no license at all to purchase or own a gun. If I can't see well, I can't drive. If I'm blind as a bat, I'm welcome to shoot. If I take medication that compromises my ability to operate heavy machinery, I'm prohibited from taking some jobs. But I'm welcome to shoot under the same influence. I cannot drink and drive, but I can drink and shoot. Eventually, this should seem crazy.

It has been eight years, this week, since Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris mowed down thirteen people at Columbine High School. Sometimes I think we'll never learn.

Limbo In Limbo

Catholic Church Reverses Teaching on Limbo
By NICOLE WINFIELD
AP
VATICAN CITY (April 21) - Pope Benedict XVI has reversed centuries of traditional Roman Catholic teaching on limbo, approving a Vatican report released Friday that says there were "serious" grounds to hope that children who die without being baptized can go to heaven.

Well, color us relieved...we think. Without issuing an official encyclical or other papal document, and without certifying an official theological shift, His Pointy-Hatted Excellency has placed the concept of limbo in....well...limbo.

Infants currently in limbo were interviewed on The Montel Williams Show, courtesy of Clairvoyant Laureate, Sylvia Browne. "Johnny Doe", a 6-month old infant from the 16th Century, indicated that he and his fellow Limbonians had not yet started packing their belongings for a move to heaven, pending further details from the Vatican. "We've noted that the Catholic Church has not always gotten it right, to put it mildly, when it comes to dealing with kids," Doe said. "We're holding a Limbo Town Hall Meeting in late April to discuss whether we're even interested in a move that would put us just down Heaven's Highway from a whole gaggle of priests of dubious character."

"Catherine", as she prefers to be known, is a 3 year-old who died in The Great Chicago Fire. "Moving is a big thing," she noted. "First, can you sell your home if it's in a place that may no longer exist? If not, how in the world will I be able to afford a place anywhere else? It's not like we draw a pension down here." A spokesperson for Out Of This World Real Estate Financing confirmed "Catherine's" concerns. "The equity built up in a home that may soon be wiped off the history books is certainly in jeopardy," they noted, on condition of anonymity.

Cosmos Realtors Association has no estimates on the total value that would be lost if Limbo simply ceased to exist. "It would make the losses in Hurricane Katrina look like a minor hail storm," they noted on their Web site. The cost to relocate billions of dead children from Limbo to Heaven has been estimated in the bazillions of dollars. When asked who would finance such a move, the World Bank declined to speculate. One source at FEMA, a Catholic who fears excommunication if identified, confirmed that the agency has been contacted about the sale of 1,500 trailers. Neither Ford nor GM would confirm or deny that they had been contacted about contracts for an astronomical number of child safety seats.

Halliburton, however, openly expressed interest in the situation. "We have world-wide experience in wiping population centers clean and relocating refugees, whether they like it or not. Relocation is our bread and butter," a statement circulating in Rome says.

The Pope has declined further interviews on the potential impact of eliminating an entire plane of existence. Former Presidents Clinton and Bush were spotted boarding a plane for The Vatican early this morning. Neither camp would confirm that they were being enlisted to help solve the thorny problem of moving dead infants from the comfort of Limbo to the wonders of Heaven.

Pro-life radical Phyllis Schlafly stared slack-jawed when asked what the pro-life position would be on the handling of long-dead children. CNN's Nancy Grace noted that "as a woman who has a dead fiance, I feel particularly qualified to note that no one, not even Social Services, appears to have the best interests of the dead children in mind". Contacted for a response, Limbo Mayor, Stillborn German Boy 1984, asked simply, "Nancy who?"

Vermont Impeaches Bush....Or Something

Vermont Senate Calls for Bush Impeachment
Lawmakers Also Call for Impeachment of Cheney
By ROSS SNEYD
AP
MONTPELIER, Vt. (April 20) -
Vermont senators voted Friday to call for the impeachment of President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney , saying their actions have raised "serious questions of constitutionality."

In related developments, Georgia disbanded the New York Yankees, saying they have "serious questions" about the nature of the relationship between Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter.

Maryland disbanded the Rocky Mountains, with their state legislature voting 24-7 that the range was "a royal pain in the ass, impassable for 10 out of 12 months".

And Arkansas disbanded Texas...just for spite.

No word from either Bush or Cheney as to whether they pissed themselves upon hearing of the Vermont vote. But Wolf Blitzer reportedly suffered priapism when considering how much air time this could fill.

Going Native in New York

Having endured no end of harassment from my far-flung friends in the Gay Meccas of San Francisco, Chicago, New York, and Tupelo, I hereby take my stand in defense of Lesser State Queers (LSQ's) everywhere.

CNN has not yet placed it on the crawl. Katie Couric can't manage a straight face to report it. And FOX News can't bring themselves to say "gay" because their kindness might piss off Ann Coulter. You're getting it here first.

Remember the Central Park pigeons that captivated the loony legions in The Big Apple? This is better. While those of us who see birds every day - and often battle them in our attics with brooms and Aqua Net (it works and it costs less than a dollar....use your imagination) - Asians used untold megapixels capturing this miracle of modern perching. New Yorkers hauled us by the taxi-load to view their Once In A Lifetime View Of A Seated Bird. We smiled and nodded in hopes that they wouldn't leave New York and bring their insanity to our fair prairies.

I know a homosexual - personally - who lives in New York. Not like Albany, NY, but NEW YORK, NY. THE New York. NY Times, Times Square, David Letterman....you get the picture. I can confirm he's a 'Mo because he once sent me a box of his clothing. Straight men simply don't own that much silk. AND I've spoken to three - THREE - men who have slept with him. I haven't spoken to three men I've slept with in the past decade. This is a dead certainty. He's queer.

He's also for certain in New York. I have caller I.D. I'm practically a private investigator.

So this New York 'Mo, who gave me no end of shit for moving to my homeland for security, reveals today that he has no running water in his loo. (Pause for requisite fainting.)

Heterosexuals have a gene that permits them to survive these circumstances, hence the perpetuation of the race until The Age of Running Water, at which time The Gay Community was born. Oh sure, there were gay people in the olden days. But they weren't happy about it. You hardly ever see a picture of Oscar Wilde smiling. I rest my case.

Homosexuals have a lifestyle that requires a combination of running water and privacy. First, we shave things and places that require a drain, a steady stream of warm water, and a door that will close. This is so we can pretend to others that hair simply doesn't grow there....anymore. We also have a tradition (some consider it a courtesy, others a requirement, and the lunatic fringe a taboo) of tidying up the play ground, shall we say? "Taking the garbage out the back door", "Dropping the pool off at the kids", "Showering the inner child".....capisce?

So imagine our surprise, here at SMTS, when we learned that our Hell's Kitchen Homo was residing in a pricey apartment without so much as an outhouse's worth of accommodations. I promise you this: Somewhere on Craig's List is a nota bene that you'd better take care of your bidness before you arrive at his doorman.

Our NY, silk-clad, fashion slave of a friend has no water in his toidy. Our great-grandpa had running water in his bathroom - indoors - in 1940-something. In Kansas. I'm told he uses that as his excuse to shower daily at The Gym. Showering you can do, with a little imagination, at the kitchen sink. With a few Wet Ones and a shpritz of Febreze, perhaps. But some things cannot - I stand corrected - should never occur in the general vicinity of food prep.

So take comfort, my Fairy Friends in Falls City, Sioux Falls, Topeka, Des Moines, Omaha, and Neodesha... We have it better than at least one of them Big City deviants. Never again let your zip code bring you down. At the end of the day, you have it just as good - if not better - than Those Who Can See The Ocean From Their Living Room. When life throws you shit, take comfort in the fact that you can wash it away in the comfort of your own home.

And be sure to ask, the next time you're in The City, if your 8-Hour Husband has a home with running water.

Ahhh.....Spring

Spring, it seems, has sprung....boobs. Now we know why "they" love Paris in the Springtime. The photo on the right is from late 2006, the photo on the left is from last month.

We admit with no shame that we are experts, at SMTS, only on the male mammary and various other appendages, both large and, unfortunately, small. But if our eyes don't lie, it seems that East hath met West somewhere in the middle of Paris with overwhelming results. Where the two sides were once far apart in their stance, a new summit (or pair of them) has resulted in a happy convergence of positions.

Spokespersons for both sides say that the meeting was merely a matter of time and that each holds out hope that they will see eye-to-eye, as it were, for some time to come. Both sides also acknowledged the possibility of even greater cooperation in coming years, with such adjustments to the pact as made necessary by the ravages of time and the wonders of science.

Claire de Bourgonville, a tour guide at The Eiffel Tower, indicated that this new attraction in the center of Paris should not significantly impact tourism at the vaunted edifice. "Even with the remarkable renovation au centre de Paris," she quipped, "la Tour Eiffel is still the only one of the two on which you could safely climb."

'Nuff said.