Battlefield Promotion: The Gay Bomb

He was right.

I assumed this was a recycled, years-old, urban myth with high entertainment value. It's not. It made the news. They really had a plan. That we were in the front of their minds when they sought how to protect this land brings a tear to the eye, really.

In case you're the person who isn't connected by six-degrees of e-mail to everyone else in the world, here's the snippet:


"I don't know whether to laugh at the stupidity, or cry because a bunch of morons got it in their pea-brains that such a scheme might work. 'A Berkeley watchdog organization that tracks military spending said it uncovered a strange U.S. military proposal to create a hormone bomb that could purportedly turn enemy soldiers into homosexuals and make them more interested in sex than fighting.'"
http://cbs5.com/topstories/local_story_159222541.html (Link worked at time of posting. If not, just figure it out like the rest of us do.)

We went to the Web site of the Berkeley CBS affiliate and confirmed that they ran the report this week. A brief scan of the 'Net shows this is not even necessarily "new" news. The CBS site quotes Edward Hammond, of Berkeley's Sunshine Project, who used the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) to get a copy of the proposal from the Laboratory at Wright Air Force Base in Dayton Ohio. We will now pause for a moment of reflection while you try to formulate that line trapped at the back of your throat.

As we've said before, it is usually hard to be so outrageous that you surpass the story and become the story. The original story is that Berkeley is weird. It is. We are as liberal as they come and Berkeley made us feel like we were walking around sucking face with our own hidden Nazi while we harbored slave laborers in our modest 2-bedroom suburban apartment where we raised non-free-range chickens to feed third world dictators in exchange for assault weapons we would use to further the crack trade in minority-dominated inner cities. There is nothing more stress-inducing than ordering food in Berkeley. Or considering a cigarette afterward. Or deciding to have sex with someone.

Everything - but everything - is fraught with political drama in Berkeley. Where did the beans for the coffee come from? Were the bean pickers provided coffee breaks, deodorant, and a 401(k) in a currency secure from government tampering? Is the cup biodegradable to a degree that would actually stimulate new growth forestation in an area at least 75 miles from where it is disposed? Are the frocks on the coffee-slingers made in such a manner as to guarantee that no slaves were harmed in the delivery of your cappuccino? Oy. This is how so many of us left The Movement in the 60's and became Bob Dole in the 80's. It wasn't a change of heart. It was sheer exhaustion.

Now, maintain your focus, because you're going to remember that Berkeley is not the story - when they should have been. It was Berkeley - mad, crazy, whacked-out, certifiably abnormal Berkeley - that uncovered a real Pentagon plan to develop a bomb that would Homosexualize an opposing army to a degree that would ensure their defeat. See how the Pentagon trumps Berkeley a thousand times over? No more alpaca, coffee-bean, sweat-shop aspect to the story. Now, it's all just sucking dick 'til death do we part. Taxpayer-funded, government-approved, Rumsfeld-signed, Bush-briefed, Rove-spun, Libby-hidden Induced Gayness.

Don't Ask Don't Tell on this side of the Mosque. But baby, have we got a thrill for you tonight on your side. All American troops are required to be in their bunks - alone and with gas masks mounted - before the You-Know-What goes off on the other side of the Green Zone. Any fondling, groping, or other possible "leakage" effects from the artillery will be investigated by a military tribunal conducted during your stay at Guantanamo. No requests will be processed from 2300 on this evening as top military brass will be watching what we hope to be a swarthy, Middle-Eastern orgy a few blocks from here. Our thanks to those of you who participated in pre-war studies on this weaponry. Your country thanks you for the sacrifice of your rectum, dignity, and three pay grades.

The very notion. A bomb. That makes people gay. Brought to you by the manufacturers of No Fags In My Foxhole - one of the Falwell Companies. Remember what they told us around 1990? Gay folks = unit cohesion problem? I'm guessing when their own study disproved that assertion, they took it one step further. If lack of cohesion doesn't result, then maybe super cohesion could be used to our advantage - assuming we just foist it on the other side, of course.

Somebody call Rummy back. I want to see him triple-speak his way around this one. Just once. For old time's sake.

Look - here's the truth. We who carry The Agenda in our pockets have known this for years and it's time we blew the whistle and put a stop to all the madness. There is no gay bomb. If there were a gay bomb, we would have already purchased an island with our considerable disposable income and moved there en masse - leaving you all to a world of heterosexual hairstylists and actors who really DO have to "play" gay in movies. (Shudder.) We would drop the bomb every day at brunch, tea, dinner and 1 a.m., just to keep the vibe even.

You would know we had it, because we would be a tan, oblivious, sex-obsessed people with lots of money, no interest in war, an interest in politics only when it protruded into our bedrooms....
.........

Well, no matter the similarities, we have no bomb. There is no bomb. There will never be a bomb. You cannot make someone gay with a bomb anymore than you can make them gay with an overbearing mother. You need show tunes.

Write congress and demand they uncover the philosophy and the plan behind this travesty.

And meet us at Tea Dance. You know where.