Hey! No Fair!

TMZ.com informs us via CNN that the Heiress They Call Paris has neither slept (GASP!) nor eaten (SWOON!) since her admission to the crazy folks end of a Los Angeles jail. This does not bother us. We would suggest that normal weekend behavior for the Pantiless Princess includes shaving her noni, spraying on a tan, and avoiding anything resembling a solid calorie.

Again - just speculating here - but isn't it entirely probable that she who put the "Tit" in Entitlement has spent most weekends wide awake? The only difference between those weekends and this one is the thread count of the sheets she's not sleeping on. Poor baby is evidently beyond distraught. This, too, does not bother us.

But we cried an audible "FOUL!" when we learned that she is getting "psychoactive" pills to help her pass the time in the joint. For you newbies - that's the good stuff. That's the stuff that will turn your world on with a smile. It can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile. You feel like love is all around, why not just take it? No need to fake it! Psychoactive drugs convince you that... well... darn it... You're gonna make it, after all. This development bothers us greatly.

We believe that psychoactive, feel-good remedies should be reserved for those moments where one is expected to be enjoying themselves. We made our list and checked it twice and are convinced that JAIL is not one of those places. This is like getting an open bar in your cell - only better. No need to bang your cup on the bars to get some surly lesbian to bring you ice or olives. Down the hatch - chew or swallow. Ten minutes, tops.... you're on the Riviera banging Fidel Castro and not in the psych ward of a Los Angeles jail.

Mostly, we don't like depleting the supply of psychoactive drugs that should be available for mediocre social encounters. And we detest the notion that this foul-mouthed, classless, poster child for retroactive abortion gets so much as a Tylenol to take the edge off her experience.

What we have here is a conspiracy to keep this child from learning anything ever. In a precious few years, she will be middle-aged, ocularly unbalanced and completely lacking inherent self-control. That, I suppose, would put her in line to be her mother.

Funny how quickly the Bush twins have moved up the Most Likely To Succeed ladder, isn't it?