Six Cards, Two Shirts, Lunch and This....From CNN

What a birthday! Just when we thought we had nothing to say about anything, CNN sent us the most beautifully gift-wrapped package, courtesy of our friends at the Opinion Research Organization. A poll released today shows that for the first time ever, a majority of Americans believe that gay and lesbian people couldn't switch teams, even if they wanted to.

You'll forgive us if we remain seated while we applaud your collective revelation.

(Photo: The Not-Quite-Dead Fritz Capone and Ms. Charity Case)

We believe they asked the wrong question. We want to know if our fellow citizens believe that heterosexuals could change their orientation if they were so inclined. But alas, nobody asks those kinds of questions. Nobody asks because the underlying message of this and similar polls is that there is something wrong that could stand changing.... if one were so inclined. We resent the inference. And we hope your daughter brings home the butchest dyke on campus.

Fully 56% of those surveyed believe we are what we are. Jennifer Holliday might be changin', but we are not. We lift a well-manicured middle finger to the other 44% who, in 2007, do not have ignorance as an excuse (unless they live in Alabama, then we cut them slack). We assume 30% are the same people who think the country is heading in the right direction, so we discount them as Terminally Hopeless.

It's the remaining 14% that concerns us. We issue a challenge to that 14%: Just try it. We hereby volunteer to be the test case for the 14% of America that thinks we can be changed. We're not getting laid anyway. What the hell? If it puts an end to this nonsense, we'll take one (as it were) for the team. We're warning you, though: we get a little panicky in the straight porn section of the video store.

Every single person in the poll had an opinion on the origins of homosexuality. Presumably, none of them were asked about the root of their heterosexuality. We contend that's a far more interesting question - especially given the number of practitioners. Most likely, people who've never even met a Certified Deviant have a definite opinion as to why we like boys. In contrast, we don't have a conclusive thesis on why we like boys. We just like boys. We also like strawberry shortcake. It didn't occur to us to ask why. Mainly, since liking boys and strawberry shortcake has never been a problem for us, we don't see the need to investigate why we like either.

Again, we resent the inference underlying this question: What do you think caused this odd thing to happen? We would like the good people at Opinion Research to call us next time. We have a few thoughts we'd like to share.

On the bright side, fully 51% of those polled favored either marriage or something like it for gay and lesbian people and 57% favored our right to adopt children. We want to meet the 6 percent who said "Yes!" to adopting children and "NO!" to getting married. We don't think they should have telephones, let alone be included in any more polls. I think they're trying to find takers for the kids they don't want, frankly. And we're not biting.

79% believed openly gay people should be allowed to serve openly in the military (sure... in time of war... nice of you... assholes). We're looking forward to the next peace-time poll to compare numbers. We have a theory on this one. (See parentheses.)

In sum, we don't think people should go around asking whether or not we a) could be "cured" b) should be "cured" c) deserve children d) deserve spouses e) deserve to join the military or f) were "born that way" or "made that way". We only question the origin and staying power of things we assume someone would want to change. So here's a pin for your pollster's balloon.

On this, the 38th Anniversary of Stonewall (look it up), we raise a glass to Judy, Liza and Barbra and announce in full voice:

I am what I am! I am my own special creation.
So come take a look.
Give me the hook or the ovation.
It's my world that I want to have a little pride in.
My world and it's not a place I have to hide in!
Life's not worth a damn till you can say,
"Hey world - I am what I am!"

I am what I am! I don't want praise. I don't want pity.
I bang my own drum.
Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty!
And so what if I love each feather and each spangle?
Why not try and see things from a different angle?
Your life is a sham till you can say,
"Hey world - I am what I am!"

I am what I am! And what I am needs no excuses!
I deal my own deck!
Sometimes the ace, sometimes the deuces.
It's my life and there's no return and no deposit.
One life, so it's time to open up your closet!
Life's not worth a damn till you can say,
"Hey world - I am what I am!"

-Jerry Herman, "La Cage Aux Folles"