Snippets

Libby changes signature color from green to orange.


After a lifetime of making money off the backs of the American taxpayer, lying to protect some of the most abominable bi-peds for his entire life, and making a concerted effort to have a Bush critic's CIA agent wife outed - and offed - for not toeing the party lie, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, will be scootin' his booty to the Federal Pokey (home not to the hokey pokey, but the rectal pokey, if we hear correctly).

A fine of $250,000 was levied against Libby, which if our 1971 calculator still works, is roughly the equivalent of a minimum wage worker giving up a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese once a month. He will also spend 30 months in federal prison capitalizing on Martha Stewart's cooking skills gleaned from similarly heinous acts(or just under 19 months, if a Bush pardon, as expected, is forthcoming).

If you purge your Christmas list, like we do, in June, here are names that appeared in support of Libby at his sentencing today: Mary Matalin (inexplicable spouse to James Carville), and Victoria Toensing, Deputy Assistant Attorney General under Reagan (presumably defending the Quite Dead President's honor and preparing his own posthumous defense). Those who wrote glowing recommendations for leniency in sentencing included International War Crimes Target, Donald Rumsfeld and Marine Gen. Peter Pace who lambasted the willing service of gays & lesbians in the ever-shrinking volunteer army and stands 4-square against immorality of all kinds - unless, of course, your buddy is trying to get a CIA operative outed and killed in order to keep your Commander In Chief from looking like the lying asshole he is. We get that. Go kill your own enemies, you prick. We have long memories. It's been almost 40 years and we still know when Judy Garland was buried.

Also on the Be Nice To Scooter list were Henry Kissinger, lackey to the ever-honorable Richard Nixon and former U.N. Ambassador John Bolton - a man so unpopular in his own country that he had to be snuck into the U.N. complex in the dead of night while Congress was out of session. This worked out well, since Bolton's unpopularity both at home and abroad were effectively addressed by the diplomatic immunity offered on the grounds of the United Nations.

The judge left open to public speculation whether any one of the 30 months to which Libby was sentenced is owed to the use of the name "Scooter" by a 56 year-old man. We're just guessing...

Mom, Can You Drop Me Off?

Kathy Hilton, the well-married, wine-swilling candidate for Worst Parent On Our Planet (W-POOP),dropped her well-coiffed pride and joy at jail for her brief contact with reality - sans Nicole Richie (who shouldn't be far behind). In a poke at public perception and a clear sign that some people are just too genetically inferior to feel shame, a waxen Hilton mugged in pin-stripes in a not-quite-Warhol scene that was 9 parts smarmy and 1 part classless as the queens at Madame Tussauds rushed to minimize her contribution to the downfall of western civilization. This irresponsible wart on the human condition really will have to kill someone before they remove her from the public eye.

We suggest putting the paparazzi to good use in this situation. Offer a $10,000 reward to anyone who sees the convict so much as eye-balling a car key. This could have a dual effect: Keep her away from the cameras and off the streets. You can't tell me New Yorkers wouldn't be grateful for a little more Mia Farrow and a little less....what's her name again?

Note to the Hotel Magnate Set: The next time you plan to name a kid after one of your properties, set the bar lower. Go for "Parking Garage", "Ball Room" or "Shallow End".