Merriam Webster Alert: This Is Not House Arrest

Newsflash (as oppposed to pantiless flash): Paris Hilton spends barely over 48 hours in jail, gets credit for 5 days, will spend 40 days on "House Arrest". This is like characterizing the pampered ringers from The Apprentice as "under house arrest" inside Trump Tower's penthouse while filming his cancelled (did we say cancelled?) - we meant CANCELLED ratings toilet. She has a medical issue. She's allergic to jail. She also has flawed genes. The kind you get from your mother.

You should know that before Kathy Hilton spread her cocoa-buttered thighs for the Hilton hotel billions, she came in second place to Eve Plumb for the role of Jan Brady. If that doesn't explain everything, then I just can't help you here.

From Wikipedia: On May 4, 2007, she (Worst Parent On The Planet: W-POOP, Kathy Hilton) accompanied her daughter Paris Hilton to court for sentencing on a probation violation. When the city prosecutor commented that Paris deserved jail time, Kathy laughed. When the judge ruled, she then blurted out: "May I have your autograph?"

From People Magazine: "As the family was about to exit the courtroom, said Edwards, Kathy Hilton declared for all to hear, "[The judge] made up his mind before he even came in today. If it were anyone else, this would've never had happened." She (Mother Kathy) then exclaimed, "And after all the money we spent!"

From a statement read by Barbara Walters on The View: "Kathy Hilton wants young people to learn from her jail-bound daughter Paris..." Apparently, the W-POOP wants young people to learn that 2 days equals 5, that 40 days of House Arrest in a mansion where your 3,000-foot monitoring range barely takes you out of the kitchen, and that having your mother throw a hissy on your behalf - between swigs of Jug O' Wine - can all tilt justice in your favor.

Here is what Hilton House Arrest looks like - New York-style. The poor little girl with the brand new medical condition now has to stay within 3,000 feet of a phone jack in the WALDORF-ASTORIA HOTEL, which her daddy owns and her mommy put out to get. Paris was, in all likelihood, conceived within feet of where she will plug in her ankle bracelet to confirm that she is in one of the poshest hotels on the planet, not jail.

Its Web site calls it an "opulent suite of peerless elegance occupying the 28th-42nd floors of The Waldorf-Astoria" (which means the part regular rich folk can rent). Imagine the part the owners live in:

(HILTON HOUSE ARREST ---->)

This is where Mable, our town drunk, stays when she's on house arrest. See if you can spot the differences:

They say money can't buy you love. But it can buy you a husband, a hotel fortune, one hell of an enabling mommy, and a motherfucker of a house arrest.

Somebody just send these people to Iraq and bring back the people we wouldn't mind meeting on the street.