War And Pieces

It will tax a liberal's patience and commitment to peace when bombs show up in the London Theatre District or detonate at Glasgow's airport. We're generally inclined to be understanding of the circumstances and history that underpin such acts - without condoning them, mind you - but this liberal draws the line at targeting the theatre.

We eschew pre-emptive anything. Pre-emptive attacks are the same as regular attacks. Pre-emptive war is the same as regular war. It's a silly modifier along the lines of "wet" water. But there comes a time when we are willing to take the gloves off and show our teeth. Without invading irrelevant countries and setting up occupying forces for years at a time, here is our inclination when events such as this weekend's occur:

If, in the name of Islam, you blow up a bus, we're going to level a number of mosques - equivalent in number to the passenger capacity of the bus. We're not going to make sure they're empty, we're just going to level them. Not put a hole in them and throw a little rock around... Level them. If, in the name of Islam, you blow up a ship, we're going to level a number of mosques - equivalent in number to the passenger capacity of the ship. Again, we don't care if they're occupied. We're just going to remove them. If, in the name of Islam, you kidnap folks, we're going to level a number of mosques - equivalent in number to the family members of those you kidnap. Get the idea?

We freely admit that we have borrowed liberally from the Israeli Theory Of Dealing With Motherfuckers: You Kill One, We Kill Ten. Your Turn. We aren't anti-Muslim. We suggest that when and if Buddhists lose their zen bent and start blowing shit up in the name of Buddhism, we level temples according to the above formula. We highly recommend that we apply the same principle to dealing with radical Christianity. (We considered whether this particular religion shouldn't be an exception to our No Pre-Emptive Strike rule. Reluctantly, we decided to stick to our principles. For now.) When and if Christians start killing people and blowing things up in the name of Jesus, we're gonna level churches. On Sunday. At 10 a.m.

If, within 7 days, the offending religious extremists don't cease and desist (including apologizing profusely), we're going to dust your crops with Malathion and the most virulent strain of e-coli our scientists can muster. We're going to pour generic dish washing detergent in your drinking water. And we're going to start the longest line of bulldozers you've ever seen on the southern border of the country of our choice that is reasonably considered to be supportive of the terrorist acts. If, on day 8, the crop dusting, water tainting, and roar of bulldozer engines don't inspire a cessation of violence and a profuse apology, we're going to drive the bulldozers north 100 miles. Every day, they will drive 100 miles - knocking down anything in their way: hospitals, schools, mosques, homes, banks, restaurants, daycare centers, people.... By the time we reach the northern border, we will have effectively cleared one country of all infrastructure and, most likely, any inclination to fuck with us.

We won't be sticking around to rebuild anything. Whether you ever write a constitution or get running water is not our concern. Your government is your business. If you live in anarchy, good on you. If you can't get electricity, that's a shame. Too much oil with no way to sell it? Damn. Give us a call when you get back on your feet. We'll do dinner.

Should that method not be effective, we'll throw a dart at a map of terrorist-sympathizing nations and simply start the sequence anew. This should not be construed in any way as support for the current Bush folly in Iraq or the saber rattling toward Iran. We're just saying... if you're going to respond, respond in kind. Much like you can't reason with Ann Coulter, you can't play fair with these religious bombers.

This is why we need openly gay leaders in the military. We will take a certain amount of shit with a smile and a fair amount of dignity. Once you cross the line, however, we are not only going to respond in kind, we're going to disembowel you as a warning to the others you represent. What we give up through patience, we more than make up with vengeance and unrestrained fury. We learned that from our drag queen mothers at the Stonewall Riots.

Enough, already. Don't make us go all Tallulah Bankhead on your asses.