Just Plain Ugly

Since a weeks-ago post expressing our distaste for the inexplicably hot "Ugly Betty" on ABC, we have received no end of shit. To clarify, we don't want episodic updates, running commentary, or shrieks of glee over the comings and goings of this historically unwatchable program.

Please, Jesus. Tell me they're going to bury the original videotapes under Jerry Falwell. What schlock! This show is worse than "Joey" tried to be. One wonders if Vanessa Williams wasn't forced to forfeit her crown based on ability, rather than nudity.

Note To Full-Figured Actresses: We are willing to look at you from the chin up, as Gay Americans, and take you at face value, as it were, regardless of that large bump between your waistband and your vagina. But if you consciously try to fuck yourself up from the neck north, we just can't help you anymore. The only requirement for being a Fag Hag is a deft touch with the cosmetics - regardless of your girth. Once that's sabotaged, though.... You're just an ugly fat chick we're never going to marry.

Note To Straight Actors: If you're realllly good at playing gay roles, we will keep your secret and not whisper about your "heterosexuality". If you're realllllly bad at playing gay (you can't say "BOO!" without lisping and singing), we're going to dye your mother's hair violet at her next appointment.

Note To Vanessa Williams: Shut up and sing. We liked you when you sang. We thought the song was prophetic when you sang of saving the best for last. We assume this show isn't last. Please come back to the disco and leave our sitcoms alone. You haven't made a good television decision since the Miss America Pageant....and even it got canceled. Just.....sing. Please?

Note To America Ferrera: We thought we were seeing the complete renovation of beauty's definition when we saw you in "Real Women Have Curves". We cheered your cellulite! We celebrated your back fat! We yelled, 'YOU GO GIRL!" at the screen as you flounced down the sidewalk at movie's end. We got the message when you squeezed your ampleness into the jeans in "The Mystery Of The Traveling Pants". You moved us. Fat was in. Mo'Nique owes her career to you. Well, you and Shirley Booth, Shelly Winters, Roseanne Barr, Moms Mabley, Aretha Franklin, and about 10,000 other obese folks who came before her. But you have to stop this nonsense of Ugly Betty. Only you can pull the plug. Fat has been popular in cycles. In Reuben's day, fat was glorified. Even in the 70's, Thin may have been in, but Fat was where it was at. We're dropping our gym memberships like acid to embrace our stretch marks once again in the new millennium. But ugly is never going to be pretty. Stop it! Just.....stop it.

Note To Gay Friends and Family: Stop sending me updates on a show I hate. I'd rather get 30 copies of the American Idol Worst Auditions video wrapped in rancid bacon. The more you push this on me, the more I vow to hate it. Worse, I will take this campaign national if you provoke me. I am about 30 seconds away from Bumper Sticker Militancy on this topic. This is a bad show. It's not funny. Lucille Ball is spinning in her grave. We are better than this. We're supposed to be the ones with taste, wit and camp. This show lacks all three. It's Married With Children without the redeeming social merit. Just....stop it!

Ugly is not beautiful. It's just... ugly.