When Your Madame Apologizes

We were taken aback, to say the least, to hear the (latest) Washington D.C. Pimp Madame is apologizing to a Bush Administration client. Never in a million years did we suspect that sex workers were Republican sympathizers. This changes our entire Friday night plan perspective.


We did a brief poll of our close friends and relatives who have either been or employed a whore sex worker to see just how widespread apologies and Republican sympathizing is in the world's oldest profession industry.


I have a cousin who stands about a quarter of an inch taller than the legal limit for defining a midget "little person". He's the son of my Uncle Richard, who has forever been known as My Favorite Uncle Dick. That's how he refers to himself: Favorite Uncle Dick.


He is, in fact, my favorite and only Uncle Dick. Uncle Dick was the uncle who taught us all the words for the female genitalia in the 2nd grade so we could wow our friends with our willingness to "go there". As Margaret Cho has noted about herself, Uncle Dick doesn't "go there", he lives there.


When his firstborn son came along, my cousin, his loins were bursting with pride and in a fit of hubris he named his first child after himself -- never suspecting what the future might hold for his bundle of joy. For no reason whatsoever and without ever giggling, church-going people tagged them as Big Dick and Little Dick. To this day, they are Big Dick and Little Dick. One is in his 60's, the other his 40's. Little Dick is no man's choice of nickname. But when Little Dick failed to progress past 4'6", the cruelty was almost too much to ponder.


Little Dick would be voted Most Likely To Patronize a Pussy Peddler House Of Ill Repute no matter what demographic you put him in. He's just that kinda guy. I like that about him. Sex is good. If more people had it, the world would be a better place. It's just plain hard to shoot somebody and give head cuddle at the same time. Big Dick would do it, too, only he would send out handwritten notes to everyone before and after the experience and provide details each year over Thanksgiving Dinner. Little Dick would just snicker about it when asked.


Once when we were hard up for money We know someone who copped $50 in college by twisting a man's nipples while he masturbated. So we've seen this situation from both sides. Vicariously, of course. Our question to all of them was simple: Has an apology ever erupted in the course of your boinking business transaction? To a person, the answer was "FUCK NO!" "Not that I can recall."


It left us to wonder, then, just what does it do to a man's ego when his Madame apologizes for having disclosed their relationship? We don't recall Heidi Fleiss ever having second thoughts about doing bidness with Charlie Sheen or the multiple other hotties to whom she provided hookers dates. Nor do we recall anyone ever apologizing for having gotten superior head service in the front seat of an Audi - and we have watched every episode of Ho's On Parade: Our Newest Peddlers of Pussy (HOP ON POP) on HBO.


Apologies for sex are -- and should be rare. Only if you were honest-to-God bad at it, or one's hygiene measures failed, or your teeth, hair or boobs came loose in the process should an apology be in order when the sex is store-bought'n. Purchased sex is the Ugly Man's Prerogative and the Slutty Girl's Career Option. (We use the term "girl" in the unisex manner, as God intended.)


The Staff of "After Therapy" would like to thank those who participated in our poll and hope to someday erase from our memory banks some of the mental images burned into our collective consciousness in the process.


In conclusion, we also issue a call for the D.C. Madame to apologize for apologizing, believing apologies over sex do lasting damage to otherwise good people. We also demand that sex workers stop putting out for Republicans so that they are forced to cope with the uptight harpies to whom they joined themselves to look electable in the "sanctity of marriage".


We hereby launch a nationwide campaign and hope to soon have bumper stickers available: "No Pussy For Puritans...Save Yourself For a Liberal".