No Trump

What happened to Donald Trump? We thought maybe Ro O'Do had just hit a nerve when she rightly assailed his moral authority and mocked his Is It Or Isn't It scalp covering. But in the last week, he's taken on Dallas Mavericks owner and all-'round rich guy Mark Cuban.

The Queen of Nice is fat. She'll be the first to tell you so. Call her fat and you're overstating the obvious, not eviscerating her with a zinger. And it makes you sound childish, Donnie. Call her a loser while she's sitting atop her 2nd ratings bonanza concurrent with yours going into the toilet and you look like an idiot. Mock her looks and you're just... distastefully classless. Slam the politics, accuse her of over-reaching with the gay angle to everything. That's fair. And probably true. But the other? Please, man, was Ivana the only thing that held you together?

Now there is little debate that Mark Cuban is a young man of considerable physical appeal. He's annoying as bat shit on your toothbrush, but he is a handsome guy whose hair does not appear to have been the result of a food processing mishap. And he owns an NBA team. And he has a ton of money. And he hits back. Hard. Calling him a "loser" because "he looks like that" is just creepily 4th Grade stuff. You're an old man, for Christ's sake. You're supposed to have money and dignity and class. Instead, you're proving that money can't buy class every time you open your mouth. You are a verbal Paris Hilton-style train wreck with all the redeeming qualities of a Lindsay Lohan chaser.

Grow the fuck up. You have children old enough to be embarrassed - one of which you dragged onto The Tonight Show to stand up for you. GASP! Even Leona Helmsley fought her own battles. Your intellect is fairly questioned when the best insult you can hurl someone's way is based on their looks and size. You are deep in disingenuous territory when you can crawl over your own bankruptcy history to call someone else a "loser".

And since you brought it up, you only fuck beautiful people. You've never been one. So enough with the beauty disses, already. You are, aside from Aerosmith, The Rolling Stones, and Ugly Betty, the least attractive mug on the American landscape. Your public speaking skills are beneath the most average 10th grader we've ever judged in speech competition. You are a multiple marriage failure, a media disaster, and a walking testimony that clothes do not, by any stretch, make the man.

You need to be very, very quiet for the next 20 years and gamble that we won't remember your psychotic outbursts of 2007. Please - no more apprentices. The Sorcerer only got one - and we liked that show. No more twenty-something wives plucked from the beauty pageant ash heap. Leave something for the twenty-something men. And shave your fucking head, already.

Jesus. Do we have to tell you everything?