Viagra - Not Just For Hamsters Anymore

Argentinian researchers, under the impression that cancer, AIDS, and gingivitis no longer plague the human race, have discovered that Viagra will help your hamster conquer jet lag.

Well, we can cross that burning concern off our list. And we would also like a $30 billion dollar reward for having known that ahead of time.

It's true. If we had a nickel for every time we had popped a Viagra upon landing and spent the next 12 hours completely oblivious to the time zone, we would be very rich and very sore. To hell with American Express, we never leave home without the little blue diamond. Not because we have Limp Noodle Syndrome. We just hate jet lag.

Unreported in the Argentinian report are the horrendous first-stage results of the trial that resulted when unsuspecting women were slipped Blue Wonders in their $10 United Airlines Beef Stroganoff mid-flight. Researchers and federal authorities worked in concert to suppress media reports on women mysteriously sprouting temporary, though impressive, erections in their post-flight hours.

"I couldn't stop touching it! It was absolutely mesmerizing," reported Liz Breitbach of Staten Island, NY. "I spent most of the day with my hand in my pockets touching it, just because I could!" Breitbach said she was on a marathon phone mission to apologize to all the men she had brow-beaten for playing pocket pool over the years. "I simply had no idea," she said - still beaming. "I've booked 6 more round-trip flights on United and called ahead to get the Stroganoff," she sheepishly admitted.

United had recently introduced "Lap Tents", a small table fitting over the legs over which a blanket could be draped for privacy. Ostensibly, the new gadget was to allow ample airflow to the extremities and avoid impacting sterility in males resulting from warming of the testicles. Now, an anonymous male flight attendant at United who asked to be called "Sheena", has confirmed this was to facilitate passenger exploration of Viagra's best-known benefit.

Researchers contacted travelers and hamsters the day after their journey to ask if they had suffered jet lag from their excursions. Two-thirds of those surveyed had no recollection of the flight. Twenty-two percent reported pain in the wrist. And 12% were "spending quality time with my hamster".

In a sign that competition is good for business, Southwest will roll out their Meth Shuttle, Continental will introduce the Ganja Ride between San Francisco and Santa Fe, and Northwest will dole out shrooms on its Seattle-LA connection. Airline executives anticipate that passenger rage over increased airfares - spurred by increasing fuel prices - will decrease as distractions increase.

And they say there is no good news in the world.