We Are Officially Ashamed

Born in Chicago, but raised in Kansas from infancy through college and the genesis of a career, we have heard it all.

We have ruby slippers on the mantle as a salute to the lamest running joke non-Kansans can muster. We have watched in horror as the State Board of Education changed its mind each election cycle as to whether or not we are evolved or created. (Answer: Most of us have evolved past caring. Honest.)

We would get a little teary-eyed at the first signs of flat lands and wheat fields and horizons that were wider than one's field of vision upon returning from temporary homes in Chicago and San Francisco, Des Moines and Omaha. Screw the Rockies...the flatter the land, the broader the sky. Beaches are nice to visit, but we would take a tornado over a hurricane any day. We knew that the correct response to a tornado siren was to take your good lawn chair outside and sit with the neighbors to see what we could see. We were sold on the big square state in the middle of the map.

Today, though, we have to admit that we are ashamed - however temporarily - to be a Kansan. The Hutchinson Correctional Facility has made national news, courtesy of the ever-active AP Wire Service, by rationing toilet paper.

Toilet paper.

It appears our inmates have been out-shitting expectations. Straight-faced administrators at the prison admitted to a long-standing Four Rolls Per Month policy -- a policy that they had failed to enforce as of late. Knowing that heads roll (forgive the pun) when policy is not enforced, we extend our sympathy to the person(s) who had to explain the circumstances of their unemployment. They will be forever compelled to complete job applications with "Over-provided toilet paper" in answer to the ubiquitous "Why Did You Leave Your Last Job?".

To their credit, the Powers-That-Be at Hutchinson's third-world prison have a corollary to the Four Rolls Rule. It's the "As Needed" exception. One wonders...when is the use of toilet paper willy-nilly and when is it "needed"? We surveyed the After Therapy staff and confirmed that the vast majority of toilet paper usage around the office is definitely "needed".

Steve Schneider, whose phone number and address can likely be Googled in the immediate vicinity of Hutchinson, Kansas, also reiterated the prison's ban on stockpiling soap and toothpaste. Apparently, our shit-happy prisoners are also bathing and brushing to excess. Where do they think they are? Club Med?

The policy is not without merit. An estimated $600 per month can be saved if each inmate uses one roll of toilet paper less each month. Again, we're wondering... Aside from copious cheese consumption, is there a way to make sure you shit one roll's worth less each month? And just how much shitting equals a roll? These are things that prisoners in Hutchinson, Kansas are now cyphering as we speak.

Let it not be thought that we have immense sympathy for inmates. We are four-square in favor of locking up people who have earned it. In fact, we have a list of people not yet incarcerated who we would like to nominate for imprisonment....at Hutchinson's facility. We once did an internship, of sorts, at the Big House in Leavenworth. It scared us shitless...which may go a long way to answering our questions on this issue. Nevertheless, we tend to think that television and PlayStation and vending machines are not things we owe prisoners who have violated the social code of conduct.

But toilet paper? We're fairly sure that when the founding fathers wrote the words "...endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights..." they were talking about things like corn cobs, elm leaves, and the other forerunners to toilet paper. Among the listed rights of "Life, Liberty, and The Pursuit of Happiness", we are absolutely convinced that toilet paper falls in the top tier of items under The Pursuit of Happiness....along with soap, toothpaste and lube that doesn't get sticky when it dries.

We're hoping to wake up tomorrow to a wholesale rescinding of the Control Your Shit policy. But if it doesn't happen, we'll know where the recently fired neanderthals from our State Board of Education have turned their attention.

And we'll hug our 12-pack Ultra Big Roll of Charmin a little longer than usual.