Yes, They're BABY Carrots, But...

A couple, aged 27 and 31, starved their infant by adhering to their strict Vegan neurosis. The child died at 6 weeks weighing 3 1/2 pounds. They received mandatory life sentences for their parenting skills. I'd list their names here, but for the remainder of their lives they'll be known by numbers not yet discovered by our crack research staff. Here's hoping what they say about child abusers in prison is fact and not just wishful thinking.

Note to people with food issues: If you want to turn your own gut to a boiling cauldron of methane, knock yourselves out. But if you kill your kid with the same techniques, you're going to eat burgers and chicken with everybody else up in The Big House. Happy now?

We contend this makes a solid case for licensing parents prior to reproduction. A simple questionnaire should suffice.

"True or false: A human being can survive on soy milk and apple juice." (Hint: That's all they gave the dead baby.)

While right-wing nuts yank children out of loving, stable homes with same-gendered parents, heterosexuals are filling up prisons faster than you can say, "I didn't hit her THAT hard." We know the evidence shows no negative impact on children who grow up in gay and lesbian households. We believe the evidence would show that a disproportionate number of heterosexuals are unfit parents. Who do you think produced all of the children in The System? It's not the two women who interviewed 50 men to find just the right sperm and then tried for three years to conceive. Think. Just.....think.

We confess that we harbor a bias that borders on ridicule against vegetarians of all stripes. But nobody gets a free pass on starving babies. The couple had the gall to beg for leniency prior to hearing their sentence. We believe they should be fed a strict diet of soy milk and apple juice until they resemble Somali refugees and have flies feeding in the corners of their eyes....until they die of their convictions. These folks are no less nuts than the religious zealots who refuse medical help for their children.

This makes a very good case for the redistribution of offspring. If you can't pass the exam, you can't keep your kids. So sorry. If you fail it twice, we're taking your ovaries/testicles - just to be sure.

We may be transforming into full-on socialists. The thought occurs to us that Paris Hilton makes a wonderful case for the redistribution of wealth from the terminally boorish to the have-nots. That ought to level the playing field a little bit and knock her off my computer screen permanently.

Since it was our idea....we're taking the first spot in the have-not line.