A Trial Neurotic

In a grand salute to my fellow neurotics, I proved today that neurosis can trump label warnings every time.

I've had the clinical trial drug in my possession since Friday. It has instructions in 47 languages (a slight -- and I do mean slight - exaggeration). I had to wait until today to swallow the first one so that I would have the new trio of drugs that accompany it. I opened up a spreadsheet to make sure I didn't undermine the entire pharmaceutical industry by screwing up the frequency, dosage, or food instructions.

I made note of all the side-effects that should send me running to the doctor from all four medications. I also glanced over the list of 60-plus side-effects that should send me running to the nearest bathroom but don't require an office visit. Since the majority needed to be taken twice a day - with food - I made a small lunch and laid out the very colorful pills (lots of orange this time). I decided to eat half the food, pop the pills, and then finish the food - just to be overly literal. Not before food, not after food, with food. I didn't crush or chew, like the label admonished. I drank water or milk, as instructed.

I took one bite of lunch and barfed. And I hadn't yet swallowed a pill. I was having side-effects without taking the pills. I wondered if I would get the positive benefits the same way. Just read a lot, vomit, and watch my health improve. In full-blown neurotic dither, I swallowed the pills at the half-way point of the meal and watched the little clock on the computer to see how long it would take for me to have discernable side-effects - as a result of the medicine.

To pass the time, I read an online article about the clinical trial drug. Apparently, if the drug works as it's designed to, I should stay away from mosquitoes because its miracle method makes me susceptible to West Nile Virus - the one virus I haven't yet had. I live in Kansas. This is where God created mosquitoes. They're not the size of birds, like in Florida. But they bite. I buy a summer wardrobe anually that goes well with large red welts. I have always been a mosquito magnet. Now I get to invest in a full-body mosquito net that won't go with anything from last year.

I'm coming up on the one-hour mark and my head is filling with snot. That's a side-effect of at least one of the drugs. Rash, dementia, stroke, diarrhea, and loss of limbs can't be far behind. We'll keep you posted.

In the event we don't, would someone please call Pfizer and tell them another one bit the dust?