Back On The Horse

LONDON (April 14) AP - Prince William and his girlfriend Kate Middleton have ended their four-year relationship, dashing hopes of a royal wedding to rival that of Prince Charles and Princess Diana.


Once every lifetime or so comes the rare opportunity to throw one's hat into the most improbable of rings. This is one of those occasions. Our condolences to the former future Mrs. Windsor and all that. But the staff of So My Therapist Says is stepping up to fill the void. Any void. We're not picky.

We have avoided romantic entanglement for an extended period of time now, having last been dumped for a philandering person of questionable optic alignment. Believing, as we do, that all things happen for a reason, we are issuing this open letter to the Future King Of England concerning the job that has been vacated.



Your Most Royal and Hot Highness,

First, we have experience being a queen. You can keep us as a consort, if you wish. Or a concubine, if you like. We get along with cranky grandparents. And while we think your brother is hot and we have a thing for red-heads, we have on many occasions eluded prying eyes when dallying where one ought not dally. We can also keep our mouth shut about such things, unless there is marijuana involved, and then we make no guarantees.

We are BIG on charity. Love charity! We have ample experience doing unto others as we would have them do unto us. Even outside the back rooms of various bars, that is. We will not look kindly on handing out our cigarettes or change to the homeless, however, as we believe both to be hard-earned and desperately needed.

Our parentage is common with no arrests, warrants, messy divorces or stray siblings to make wild accusations about having been held at gunpoint to prevent them from changing the channel from Flipper to anything else after school when we were in the 6th grade. Allegedly.

No one will ever think your own beauty was upstaged by ours. 'Nuff said.


We can be funny. If it doesn't work out, we will get fat, join Weight Watchers and be delightfully naughty on The View without revealing anything intimate about your proportions (which we recently read to be 7.8 inches, based on averages for your height, weight, national origin, and interviews with "unnamed Royal sources").

We will make nice with Grandma throughout her declining years, even though we know that the older a grumpy person gets, the nastier they become. We will also make nice with Daddy so as not to scuttle any birthrights or crowns. Not that we care about such things. In fact, we didn't even know you would be King one day until we read about your shocking loss in today's mail. Honest. No idea.

We are not so fragile as to become despondent should you decline our humble offer. To the contrary, in the future, when we use the phrase, "I've Been Dumped By Better Men Than You", we won't mean it hypothetically.

We would encourage you to keep this application on file should you choose to go another direction at this time. Please keep in mind, though, that one's own father (a Future King himself) has found great satisfaction in life hauling around a rapidly aging person of minimal physical appeal. Beauty, dear Prince, is fleeting. Easy is forever.

Sincerely,

The Staff of So My Therapist Says

(think about it: HRH "Smts")