So I took another 6 months off. Suffer. This is Kansas. Time passes differently here. Besides, I've been very busy killing my t-cells and broke several nails in the process. Winter was not kind to Plains Ol' Me.
Lots of TV is involved when you're sick. Just to catch up:
American Idol - Grade: F Never seen it. Don't care what Sanjaya does with his hair. Like somebody's gonna fuck him if he had a good cut? Please, Marie. George Clooney's hair I care about. Those nameless men in the truck commercials I care about (to an unhealthy degree). An odd-looking child with a Notice Me fetish and unfortunately resilient hair.
Lost - Giving it a B. Can't stop watching it. But it's starting to grate - like the 3 year-old that has perpetual questions and can't answer truthfully whether they have to pee or not. Besides, there are only two true hotties here. The Black Donnellys have more than that in the title family. Tell me what's up with the Smoke Monster or start using showtunes as the ambient music. Otherwise, you're gonna lose me.
Ugly Betty - Solid D. Yes, she is. It doesn't help that I think this is how my exes refer to me.
Desperate Housewives - B+. Ish. Marcia, Marcia, Marcia. Lost their A+ when Gabrielle started schtupping men over 20. And Terri Hatcher is starting to remind me of the Second Coming of Diane Keaton. She'll ride the frantic, neurotic schtick into the ground and pray for a Lois and Clark movie. I honestly believe Felicity Huffman begged to be the one killed in the grocery store. Hottie Plumber is so high maintenance, not even my NYC girlfriend would do him. Pec, pec, ab, glute, yawn.
So few interesting people are left anymore. Only little girls and old pedophiles care if Paris Hilton flashes her roast beef getting out of her Designated Driver's car. If Betty Ford (the clinic, not the corpse) is really doing rehab for people who use the word "fag" (Isaiah Washington), I know where I'm holding the next big wingding. But only if they open the bar. Madge is so maternal, she's practically kidnapping fly-infested orphans from Angelina Jolie's manicured clutch. We really were down to one good, juicy, nasty, train-wreck of an icon. And now she's gone.
Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna, Anna Nicole. Dead. Naked. Very Marilyn Monroe, as she would have liked. Only I don't recall Marilyn being upstaged post-mortem by a homely heeb who has the temerity to claim coitus in her uptus. Anna is so gay-appropriate, even from Hell, that she managed to get half a dozen men to lay claim to having juiced her in her final year. All together now: You Go Girl! Men from the nearly sublime to the utterly ridiculous claim to have climbed between those ever-shrinking legs to create the next great Lindbergh Baby. Or...if you will...TrimSpa Baby!
I'm going on record before the Bahama Mamas tell us the skinny on the Sperminator: It's Larry Birkhead. One: He's pretty. The only pretty people around Anna were gay or warming beds. Larry might look prototypically gay. But he's hell-bent on proving that either through the old nasty or the old turkey baster, he is the Baby Daddy to the only trust-fund prodigy this side of Nicole Richie who hasn't been sent appropriate underwear by Rosie O'Donnell. Two: He's pretty. And Three: I'd have done him too. Turkey baster? You betcha. I wouldn't even ask for dinner or jewelry. And that's saying something. I haven't done a man under 6'4" since 1987. But I'd make an exception for that one.
NYC UPDATE: Who went from first date to husband faster than Julia Roberts figured out that Lyle Lovett did not look good in the morning? Contact the blogger if you know.
Until next time....
4 comments:
Was it an oversite that you, a Kansan, missed commenting on the show "Jericho"? Better than "Ugly Betty" but maybe not so good as "Grey's Anatomy". imho
Nance,
Good catch. I Tivo Jericho like Kirstie Alley saves Girl Scout Cookies. My problem with Jericho is the same as Kirstie's...a new snack only comes around once every blue moon. More on the next post.
T
You know Dear,
while I find it quite charming that you have now chosen to give commentary to the world of current events such as they exist... I cant help but think that the public at large would still rather hear more about yourself and the antics of your friends and aquaintences.
Having said that, I am pissed that you chose to give one of the best shows on TV a D!!!.
Ugly Betty, is, in my opinion, one of the great shows, right up there with the likes of Frasier and MTM, and is certainly worthy of a higher grade. Perhaps you should actually spend less time at BINGO, and more time actually watching!
ps. And for the record, we are just dating.
xoxo, Your Hell's Kitchen Agent, David
Dearest Davio,
First of all, you're not Italian. I know. I've slept with Italians. Second, comparing UB with MTM is like comparing a PB&J with Prime Rib. Utter blasphemy! Finally, my Bingo time does not interfere with my viewing habits, as I am among those middle-class millions who have been using TIVO since before Oprah had The Big O over it.
p.s. You date like a lion samples gazelle. One taste and you're in it up to your ears. Don't lose your poster-child status now. It's a little late in life to be making major changes. xoxoxo, Tom
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