We were asked yesterday, by America Online, to rate the Democratic hopefuls following the most recent debate. We were flattered, to say the least, but did our patriotic duty to give an early rating to the Great Eight who showed up in South Carolina.Only upon submitting our humble opinion did we realize that we were one of 112,251 people asked. So much for early fame.
Believing that the weekly opinion polls of the unwashed, ill-informed masses are the very worst way to decide on a president, we will here present the candidates from Our Party and their stances on a succession of issues that we deem relevant. Today's issue: Deviants' Desire To Jump The Broom.
Where they stand on Gay Marriage, Civil Unions, and Kissing On The First Date:
(in order of how well we liked them in the S.C. Debate)
1. Sen. Barack Obama - "...personally, I do believe that marriage is between a man and a woman." (From a statement on the Federal (Anti Gay-)Marriage Amendment on the floor of the Senate, 6/5/2006.) "But most of us do believe that gay couples should be able to visit each other in the hospital and share health care benefits; most of us do believe that they should be treated with dignity and have their privacy respected by the federal government." (From the same speech.) Barack wishes you well in the hospital, but don't plan any bedside hitchin'. It's enough that he'll let you in plug-pulling range. Happy now?
2. Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton - "... opposes same-sex marriage but supports civil unions between members of the same sex. During her husband's administration, she supported the Defense of Marriage Act, a law preventing the federal recognition of same-sex marriage." - PlanetOut Network, February, 2006. Hillary would like to be invited to your reception, but prefers not to know what happened before it or what may occur after.
3. Former Sen. John Edwards - "Edwards indicated that this issue was the 'single hardest social issue' for him and that he had engaged in a lot of 'personal struggles' over this issue. He believes that same-sex partners in committed relationships should have civil rights and should be afforded the dignity and respect to which they are entitled. He struggled with the question of 'how we achieve this?..whether it is through civil unions or partnerships.' He indicated that he is certainly for all of the non-discrimination and equal benefits provisions. However, he said that it was a 'jump for me to get to gay marriage?I am not there yet.'" - Pandagon, N.H. Town Meeting, 12/29/2006 This comes as a profound disappointment, not only as public policy, but for our personal fantasies in the possible post-Elizabeth (God forbid) era.
4. Sen. Chris Dodd - The geriatric Dodd has children aged 2 and 5, so should be assumed to have a healthy appreciation for sex, in general. He said his daughters could grow up to be lesbians and that he hopes they would have the opportunity to enjoy marriage-like rights."They may grow up as a different sexual orientation than their parents," he said. "How would I want my child to be treated if they were of a different sexual orientation?" -From a N.H. Public Radio broadcast, 4/4/2007. Great. Just what we need. More lesbians. Dodd voted against the Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriages.
5. Sen. Joe Biden - Voted "Yes" to Bill Clinton's Defense of (Heterosexual) Marriage Act in 1996, Voted "No" to Constitutional Amendment Banning Gay Marriage ten years later (2006, for the mathematically challenged). Anybody's guess what this decade may bring. Inferring, we would say that he doesn't mind us getting married as long as we don't steal currently married straight folks to do it. We think.
6. Former Sen. Mike Gravel - You're not going to vote for him. What do you care? Whatever his position, he'd rather you did - or didn't - marry while Bush and Cheney rotted in Guantanamo. And you can't entirely dislike a guy with those priorities. (Gravel's Press Secretary, Alexander Colvin, told C-Span that "Sen. Gravel unequivocally supports same-sex marriage and opposes the Defense of (Heterosexual) Marriage Act.") There.
7. Gov. Bill Richardson - If the couple is Hispanic, he's going to take a little longer to mull his position, but officially: He's against gay marriage, for civil unions, and against "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" (according to comments outside a Portsmouth, N.H. ship yard on 4/5/2007). In other words, he'd really rather see you shot in Iraq than joined at the altar. If there's a different interpretation, we're open to hearing it. But we're pretty sure that's what he means.
8. Rep. Dennis Kucinich - Nobody is voting for Kucinich. He's a vegetarian. That's all you need to know. Vegetarians have noxious gas. They're pro-everything. That's the only way they can have friends in spite of their flatulence. ("Sure he farts a lot, but he'll probably send a FABULOUS wedding gift. He's on the list.") Kucinich displayed a skeevy hand-holding posture with his mail-order bride in the Spin Room after last night's debate in South Carolina. (Not unlike the stomach-churning moment we all had when Michael Jackson tongue-assaulted Elvis's Only Child on National TV.) This makes us glad that he's not actively pursuing a gay marriage of his own. THAT's all we'd need.
Look for more updates on the issues - and the horse race - in later days.
"After Therapy"....Where we don't even pretend to be fair. Or balanced. Or sober.
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