Going Native in New York

Having endured no end of harassment from my far-flung friends in the Gay Meccas of San Francisco, Chicago, New York, and Tupelo, I hereby take my stand in defense of Lesser State Queers (LSQ's) everywhere.

CNN has not yet placed it on the crawl. Katie Couric can't manage a straight face to report it. And FOX News can't bring themselves to say "gay" because their kindness might piss off Ann Coulter. You're getting it here first.

Remember the Central Park pigeons that captivated the loony legions in The Big Apple? This is better. While those of us who see birds every day - and often battle them in our attics with brooms and Aqua Net (it works and it costs less than a dollar....use your imagination) - Asians used untold megapixels capturing this miracle of modern perching. New Yorkers hauled us by the taxi-load to view their Once In A Lifetime View Of A Seated Bird. We smiled and nodded in hopes that they wouldn't leave New York and bring their insanity to our fair prairies.

I know a homosexual - personally - who lives in New York. Not like Albany, NY, but NEW YORK, NY. THE New York. NY Times, Times Square, David Letterman....you get the picture. I can confirm he's a 'Mo because he once sent me a box of his clothing. Straight men simply don't own that much silk. AND I've spoken to three - THREE - men who have slept with him. I haven't spoken to three men I've slept with in the past decade. This is a dead certainty. He's queer.

He's also for certain in New York. I have caller I.D. I'm practically a private investigator.

So this New York 'Mo, who gave me no end of shit for moving to my homeland for security, reveals today that he has no running water in his loo. (Pause for requisite fainting.)

Heterosexuals have a gene that permits them to survive these circumstances, hence the perpetuation of the race until The Age of Running Water, at which time The Gay Community was born. Oh sure, there were gay people in the olden days. But they weren't happy about it. You hardly ever see a picture of Oscar Wilde smiling. I rest my case.

Homosexuals have a lifestyle that requires a combination of running water and privacy. First, we shave things and places that require a drain, a steady stream of warm water, and a door that will close. This is so we can pretend to others that hair simply doesn't grow there....anymore. We also have a tradition (some consider it a courtesy, others a requirement, and the lunatic fringe a taboo) of tidying up the play ground, shall we say? "Taking the garbage out the back door", "Dropping the pool off at the kids", "Showering the inner child".....capisce?

So imagine our surprise, here at SMTS, when we learned that our Hell's Kitchen Homo was residing in a pricey apartment without so much as an outhouse's worth of accommodations. I promise you this: Somewhere on Craig's List is a nota bene that you'd better take care of your bidness before you arrive at his doorman.

Our NY, silk-clad, fashion slave of a friend has no water in his toidy. Our great-grandpa had running water in his bathroom - indoors - in 1940-something. In Kansas. I'm told he uses that as his excuse to shower daily at The Gym. Showering you can do, with a little imagination, at the kitchen sink. With a few Wet Ones and a shpritz of Febreze, perhaps. But some things cannot - I stand corrected - should never occur in the general vicinity of food prep.

So take comfort, my Fairy Friends in Falls City, Sioux Falls, Topeka, Des Moines, Omaha, and Neodesha... We have it better than at least one of them Big City deviants. Never again let your zip code bring you down. At the end of the day, you have it just as good - if not better - than Those Who Can See The Ocean From Their Living Room. When life throws you shit, take comfort in the fact that you can wash it away in the comfort of your own home.

And be sure to ask, the next time you're in The City, if your 8-Hour Husband has a home with running water.