Foreign Policy: The Lost Puppy Approach

"We want to defeat them there, so we don't have to face them here...If we retreat -- were to retreat from Iraq, what's interesting and different about this war is that the enemy would follow us here. " - Pres. Geo. W. Bush, April 10, 2007 to a Fairfax, Va. American Legion post.

We would like to assure Our Only President that the flaws in his reasoning are understandable, but disappointingly untrue, nonetheless. When this line began falling upon our constantly pricked-up ears 5 years ago, we thought something sounded slightly amiss. Before we issued an official policy statement, however, we decided to do some research of our own.

First, we went to a Kansas City drinking and dancing establishment, inserted ourselves into the mix of writhing, sweating, heaving chests and chatted up several of the locals. Upon leaving, we asked an objective bystander (a homeless man who will do anything for a cigarette and the ice from your drink) to count how many of the locals followed us home. We regret to inform you that despite leaving our address on countless tables and walls, no one followed us home.

Strike One for the President's Theory.

Next, we attended an Earth Day celebration where domesticated animals roamed freely amongst women with arm pit hair and men who had eschewed deodorant in 1963. We had filled our pockets with Liva Snacks to increase our - and the President's - chances of being successful. Again, no luck. No dogs followed us home. But "Prairie Princess" calls once a week to see if we're available for a vanilla chai and a nude fire circle come the next full moon.

Strike Two for the President's Theory.

We allowed for the notion that perhaps this only works when there is an ocean involved. So, being on a limited corporate travel budget, we hopped from Houston to Ft. Lauderdale. We stood on the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale expecting legions of Houstonians to come swimming ashore at any minute. Again, sundown came and aside from sand in our shoes, nothing came home with us.

Strike Three for the President's Theory...and now we're convinced.

We don't get a lot of muslims in Kansas, so finding an actual citizen of the Axis of Evil was difficult. Thanks to the Internet, however, we did connect with a Koran-wielding Cake Decorator on a popular hook-up site. Ali Koresh Raflahegi assured us that Rand McNally revealed the whereabouts of The New World to most of Asia shortly after Christopher Columbus returned from schtupping deliciously dark-skinned natives on our friendly shores. "We don't need to follow your troops home to find you," Ali noted. "We have MapQuest."

Well, color us embarrassed. We're sending an urgent cable to Our Only President post-haste to inform him of these developments. It is our hope that he will cease his suggestion that terrorists don't know the way to San Jose unless they have someone to follow.

In fact, we hope he stops speaking altogether.

(Our thanks to the Science and Research Staff of "So My Therapist Says" for their many contributions to this report.)