It's All In How You Hear It

Remember that game you played in the 2nd Grade: Operator? One kid would make up some ridiculous, innocuous sentence like, "I fold the towels when mom does laundry." Then he would whisper it to the next kid, who would knit his brow and mis-repeat it to the next kid. And so on, and so on, and so on. Until the last kid in the circle blurted out the bungled line to a chorus of 7 year-old giggles: "I told the owls that mom hugged Audrey."


I made the conscious decision not to watch this year's re-airing of The Ten Commandments. The good one. The one with Anne Baxter. (swoon, genuflect, recover) I have them memorized. I know the story. It just occurred to me that Dateline NBC might be more intriguing this time around - assuming they weren't luring inept pedophiles into national exposure. I was right.


It also crossed my mind that maybe the Big Ten didn't come out exactly as He might have uttered them. Things do get lost in translation. You know how the morning after you can barely read the man's name and number he scrawled in the dark on your dashboard as you bump across potholes? Imagine trying to write on stone by the light of one flaming bush. (Note to Lindsay Lohan's lawyers: Stop calling me. I'm not talking about that one.) It's possible that even Mo couldn't read what he wrote and winged it during the big announcement. Isn't it?


For example: Thou shalt not commit adultery. Even by Bible accounts, adultery had been fairly standard practice - along with plural marriage (Mitt, stop touching yourself), concubines and the like. Is it not more likely that the really practical commandment was:

"Thou shalt not admit adultery"?

Lord knows, it's not in the doing that problems arise. It's in the knowing. Look at any Lifetime movie. The only appropriate application of Don't Ask, Don't Tell is in this very context. Why stir the pot when the stew is just fine?

Or the one about not coveting your neighbor's ass. I find it entirely possible that, in the spirit of 40 years' worth of desert wandering and the desire for the perfect tan, the real admonishment was:

"Thou shalt not cover thy neighbor's ass."

No one likes to wake up from a slow bake in the desert only to find that their effort to evade tan lines was in vain because some Nosey Nellie threw a towel over their tochus. This one, I think, may well have been about respecting boundaries. And the importance of a healthy glow. God is no dummy. He gave us the sun so that we would tan. And there's that whole photosynthesis thing.

"Honor thy father and mother" seems to come way out of left field on the list. I find it more likely that the true commandment, garbled by Moses - who was an admitted stutterer - was closer to:

"On thy father and mother's good side."

Now that's good, solid, practical advice. And not just for inheritance purposes. Though that's nothing to sneeze at. As we all know, there is nothing worse than having the Drama To End All Dramas with them what sprung you from their loins. It's the same as the Retail Rule, known by ribbon queens worldwide (for the younger set: this term refers to the now non-existent ribbon inside a cash register): Smile and Nod Until You Get A Smoke Break. You won't regret not getting fired....or disinherited....or crucified monthly for the rest of your natural existence.

So heads up, my fairy friends. This whole religion thing may not be as austere and restrictive(though FABULOUSLY produced) as the movie suggests.

There may have been some static on the line.