Monkey God Belches, Mother Found(SMTS, New Delhi, File Report) -
Sareesh Jankar, a mother of five and devotee of Hindu God, Lord Hanuman, walked to safety over the god's incisors Thursday. She had been missing since dining with the deity late last month at New Delhi hotspot "Ramajareeshnukapur".
Indian authorities had used search dogs and even a team of specialist hyenas on loan from neighbor and longtime agitator Pakistan, but had given up hopes of finding Jankar after 2 weeks of fruitless hunting. Authorities had not considered the god a "deity of interest" prior to her surprise emergence at daybreak Thursday.
The Monkey God denied wrongdoing, indicating that the date had gone swimmingly, including banging laundry on a rock, shrieking to the radio, and consuming surprising amounts of cumin-laden hors d'oeuvres. "One minute, we're kissing passionately and the next thing I knew, she was gone. I figured she'd bailed, " the Monkey God said.
When he experienced serious heartburn in his sleep, Lord Hanuman said, he assumed it was the cumin, which has never really agreed with him. "She went to so much trouble to fix it, I felt like I should eat it and take a Prilosec later. When you're a Monkey God, it's not like you have women lining up to be your booty call," he noted.
When asked whether gods swallowing people was a common occurrence, Indian officials declined to comment, citing fear of widespread digestion. Jankar's oldest child, Aneesh, told People Magazine (India) that he had begged his mother not to become close with the Monkey God. "I got one look at the size of his mouth and I just knew....I just knew....," he said, his voice trailing off in emotion.
Indian officials were mum on whether charges would be filed against the deity, citing jurisdiction problems. Asked if the Indian government would be issuing widespread warnings about the dangers of dating a god, Minister of Information Neela Ramikanishur-Steinberg said in measured tones,
"Naughty gods need love, too."
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