BREAKING NEWS: IMUS SUSPENDED

By Blogger Tom
Mayberry, USA

IMUS SUSPENDED 2 WEEKS BY NBC, CBS

After a much-publicized "rap" in which radio host Don Imus referred to the Rutgers University Women's Basketball Team as "nappy headed ho's", both CBS radio and NBC, which simulcasts the program for the 12 people who watch MSNBC, suspended Imus for two weeks.

In a hastily called bi-coastal press conference, CBS elaborated on their decision and how they arrived at the 2 week time frame. "Our longstanding policy has been to suspend radio talent 1.4 days for each person directly affected by on-air insults," a spokeswoman said. Bobby Ray Rodgers, president of the Dothan, AL affiliate, noted that two of the players insulted were white and unlikely to be directly affected by the "nappy-headed" portion of the Imus riff.

"We took that into consideration during our deliberations," injected MSNBC's Vice-President of Demographics. "Our original plan was to suspend Mr. Imus for only 11.2 days, until he mis-used the term 'rap' to refer to his comments." Said the CBS spokesperson, "We felt this only reinforced our belief that Mr. Imus had deep-seated ignorance concerning the African American community."

Outside the CBS announcement in New York, 45 registered ho's demonstrated with chants of "Poor Old Imus - Out Of Luck. Ho's Are Girls You'd Pay To F..." Rutgers' Director of Sports Information replied indignantly that at least three of the current team were women who could "make a buck on their back" if their pro aspirations did not materialize. In Los Angeles, the MSNBC announcement was twice interrupted by bullhorn-toting students from the Hispanic Organization for Body Art and Graphic Sciences (HO BAGS). The students objected to the demonization of tattoos. When interviewed, however, Marcelina Ocala noted that "You got to admit, yo, them girls ain't dainty."

In his time slot, both the radio and television entities will be airing a repeating repertory of Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin, Laura Ingraham and Tucker Carlson. "With this move, we hope to return to our normal programming priorities concerning Faggots, Foreigners, Traitors, and The Tyranny of Entitlements," a joint statement said.

Imus, in a display of humility and contrition uncharacteristic of his lengthy career, said only that he would "Refrain from demonizing anyone who isn't a homosexual, immigrant, Democrat, or Medicare recipient."

Michael Powell, former chair of the Federal Communications Commission, cheered Coulter's return of "faggot" to the discourse over the public airways. "One would hope that Mr. Imus will follow Ms. Coulter's example and pursue the insidious scourge of homosexual immigrants receiving public aid."

President Bush was at Camp David with Condoleezza Rice who, it was reported, was hosting a Hair Summit with Queen Noor of Jordan and Lifetme Movie Of The Week regular Cheryl Ladd. Through a spokesperson, the president's mother, Former First Lady Barbara Bush noted that, "Because we are Mainers who made our fortune in Texas, we are sorely ashamed of Mr. Imus. We, too, hope that upon his return he will reserve his venom for homosexuals and immigrants, excluding the offspring of any current administration members."

Mary Cheney had no comment but did ask this reporter for an epidural, some eight weeks prior to her due date.