Limbo In Limbo

Catholic Church Reverses Teaching on Limbo
By NICOLE WINFIELD
AP
VATICAN CITY (April 21) - Pope Benedict XVI has reversed centuries of traditional Roman Catholic teaching on limbo, approving a Vatican report released Friday that says there were "serious" grounds to hope that children who die without being baptized can go to heaven.

Well, color us relieved...we think. Without issuing an official encyclical or other papal document, and without certifying an official theological shift, His Pointy-Hatted Excellency has placed the concept of limbo in....well...limbo.

Infants currently in limbo were interviewed on The Montel Williams Show, courtesy of Clairvoyant Laureate, Sylvia Browne. "Johnny Doe", a 6-month old infant from the 16th Century, indicated that he and his fellow Limbonians had not yet started packing their belongings for a move to heaven, pending further details from the Vatican. "We've noted that the Catholic Church has not always gotten it right, to put it mildly, when it comes to dealing with kids," Doe said. "We're holding a Limbo Town Hall Meeting in late April to discuss whether we're even interested in a move that would put us just down Heaven's Highway from a whole gaggle of priests of dubious character."

"Catherine", as she prefers to be known, is a 3 year-old who died in The Great Chicago Fire. "Moving is a big thing," she noted. "First, can you sell your home if it's in a place that may no longer exist? If not, how in the world will I be able to afford a place anywhere else? It's not like we draw a pension down here." A spokesperson for Out Of This World Real Estate Financing confirmed "Catherine's" concerns. "The equity built up in a home that may soon be wiped off the history books is certainly in jeopardy," they noted, on condition of anonymity.

Cosmos Realtors Association has no estimates on the total value that would be lost if Limbo simply ceased to exist. "It would make the losses in Hurricane Katrina look like a minor hail storm," they noted on their Web site. The cost to relocate billions of dead children from Limbo to Heaven has been estimated in the bazillions of dollars. When asked who would finance such a move, the World Bank declined to speculate. One source at FEMA, a Catholic who fears excommunication if identified, confirmed that the agency has been contacted about the sale of 1,500 trailers. Neither Ford nor GM would confirm or deny that they had been contacted about contracts for an astronomical number of child safety seats.

Halliburton, however, openly expressed interest in the situation. "We have world-wide experience in wiping population centers clean and relocating refugees, whether they like it or not. Relocation is our bread and butter," a statement circulating in Rome says.

The Pope has declined further interviews on the potential impact of eliminating an entire plane of existence. Former Presidents Clinton and Bush were spotted boarding a plane for The Vatican early this morning. Neither camp would confirm that they were being enlisted to help solve the thorny problem of moving dead infants from the comfort of Limbo to the wonders of Heaven.

Pro-life radical Phyllis Schlafly stared slack-jawed when asked what the pro-life position would be on the handling of long-dead children. CNN's Nancy Grace noted that "as a woman who has a dead fiance, I feel particularly qualified to note that no one, not even Social Services, appears to have the best interests of the dead children in mind". Contacted for a response, Limbo Mayor, Stillborn German Boy 1984, asked simply, "Nancy who?"