You Don't Say...

NASSAU, Bahamas (CNN) -- Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby daughter, Dannielynn, a Bahamian judge ruled Tuesday.


The worst kept secret in the history of heterosexuality has been confirmed by the miracle of science. She did the pretty one.

Let the wrangling begin. In a display of magnanimity not seen since Marie Antoinette offered a little Betty Crocker to the masses, the man who had been playing Baby Daddy since the rest of the immediate family O.D.'d, lawyer and All-Around Bad Luck Charm Howard K. Stern said that the child's father could visit "any time he wants".

I should imagine so. The only jaw-whomper in this story is that the infant was not produced in court to be immediately handed off to the appropriate sperm donor. Apparently, baby had a spa appointment that couldn't be re-scheduled in Nassau. You know how hard it is to get into some of these places.

If I were Mr. Birkhead, I'd go get my little girl post-haste. Elsewise, the Jim Jones Phenomenon is likely to hit both Stern and baby before he can put his hands on the bundle of money joy. Bad things happen to Howard's people. Eventually, it stops seeming like a coincidence.

One wonders, without baby and Bahamas, just what Mr. Stern has left by way of media appeal. If the conspiracy theorists are correct and he was, indeed, up to his nipples in the deaths of Anna Nicole and her equally dead son, one would worry about the immediate future of the baby. If I were Howard's housekeeper, I'd stay far away from the Kool-Aid. If he's not involved, he's at least hauling around some bad juju.

Curiously quiet thus far is the woman a grieving, groggy, though fabulously thin Anna Nicole called "Mommie Dearest": Virgie Arthur. I don't know what went down between those two - or what Anna downed to spur such a hateful remark about one's own mother. I know this, though.... If you're caring for a kid that might be worth a healthy chunk of a definitely dead man's fortune, you're probably gonna be nothin' but candy kisses and trips to Disney where that kid is concerned. Few people get a second shot at a Golden Goose kid. Virgie should find her some gingham and start leaving apple pies to cool on her kitchen window sill.

Looks are everything.
Go ask Anna.