Tips For Our Surviving Deaf Lesbians

We here at So My Therapist Says have over-contemplated the plight of our dwindling Deaf Lesbian Population. So with a heart of gold and all good intentions, we offer the following tips to help conserve Deaf Lesbians for future generations. We also have questions, for the benefit of posterity, of course. Just because they can't hear about their rich history doesn't mean they don't deserve one. Amen.

In order of importance:

1. Chainsaws are loud. No, really loud. Freight train loud. Whether trimming the hedges, doing a little trimming of the lady parts, or dismembering a suspected interloper into your mutually deaf relationship, it's best to consider that this volume is extreme. Really. This is not just a hearing-person inside joke.

2. Sometimes we have something sticky between those two fingers. Ice cream, for example. Sometimes we have bad manners and try to lick it off in public. Please don't be offended every time you catch us with our tongue lapping between them. We're not always making the "eating pussy" sign. But usually we are.

3. We are very curious about how deaf lesbians communicate during sex. For example, we here at So My Therapist Says sometimes get the notion to order in Chinese mid-coitus - just for a break. Or say you get the lesbian equivalent of an enlarged prostate and have to pee a lot. (God forbid. This has changed our lives.) Should we assume that the lights are kept on? Is it difficult to frig and talk at the same time? Or is it a matter of convenience that one can cunnilingize and discuss current events at the same time? (This just occurred to us. Now we're doubly curious.)

4. Your brothers on this side of the fence don't know a thing about cars. But we know music. All kinds of music. Especially showtunes. The only way we know how to describe our car's problem is to compare the sound it's making to the note Danny Partridge's mom hits in The Music Man. Can we still use a deaf lesbian to work on our car or should we stick with a straight man and find a Metallica song to which he can relate?

5. It's hard for us to ignore when you dance at the clubs. We're nice about it, but we giggle as soon as we turn our backs. We feel desperately evil about this, but it can't be helped. We even took 2 Klonopin once to dull the urge and it didn't take. (We did, however, sleep with an ugly man who taught us some very useful things.) We understand that you can feel the beat through the floor. You should know, though, that you can often feel the train, bad plumbing, and clumsy barbacks dropping kegs through the floor as well. Remember...your Native American Deaf Lesbian Foremothers knew people who could "hear" for miles by feeling the ground. Sometimes you're hearing a lot of songs at once and...well...it looks funny. Have fun, by all means. But don't be offended.

And remember....we love you and wi... WE LOVE YOU AND WISH YOU WELL!