Ms. Fonda Is Not Happy

(CBS) Jane Fonda is siding with the studio executive who blasted Lindsay Lohan for partying too much, acting like a spoiled child and showing up late for work while filming "Georgia Rules."

We can't say that we're surprised. Lindsay "Lips" Lohan and Jane Fonda were a combustible combination from the get-go. Not since Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin teamed up for....what was the name of that movie again?...have we been this sure that someone would get bitch-slapped before the director yelled "Cut! And cover your cooch!"

We simply commend Ms. Fonda for her strong defense of the inherently honorable thespian profession. Also laying waste to Lohan's behavior: Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Paula Poundstone, Colin Farrell, PeeWee Herman, and various rappers. You know you've gone too far when people who WANT to see your pussy think you're skanky for showing it. Oh...and for not showing up to work on time.

We did not break our No Pussy Moratorium lightly here at SMTS. We thought long and limp about whether it was a necessary part of the story or if it simply appealed to the most base instincts. Concluding that base instincts are the fun ones, we went with the pussy picture.

"But you're GAY!" We know, we know. It's not like we touched it or anything. In fact, we edited this post while wearing gloves. We also delayed our morning bagel until the offending orifice was safely out of the viewing window. As a matter of policy, we are pro-vagina for the purposes of perpetuation of the race. We simply choose not to participate. We abdicate, in simpler terms. We defer to others more qualified. And more inclined.

To those who accuse us of Gratuitous Pussy, we say "Go ask Jane." We could not find a picture of Lindsay showing up late to work or flubbing her lines. So we went for the easy shot. Our options were "Pussy" or "Martini". And let's face it....Pussy Sells.

Kudos to Fonda for joining Donald Trump as leaders of the brand new and utterly unlikely Wholly Holy On Responsibility, Ethics & Seriousness (WHORES) For The Media. What's this world coming to when B-listers show up late, party 'til dawn and eschew thongs for the commando media grab? We have been to rehab any number of times (visiting friends, naturally) and can tell you that the paper undies they make you wear do not encourage good skivvy habits. So don't expect a change on that note from Ms. Lohan.

On the topic of Stars Behaving Badly, we feel led to add a novel note to the Alec Baldwin saga. If our mother had left the kind of phone message Mr. Baldwin left on his daughter's answering machine, "Rude....pig....rude....pig....pig....pig", we'd assume Mom was in a very good mood and we were probably going to Pizza Hut. When our parents were pissed, "rude little pig" would have sounded like the title of a fairy tale compared to what we really heard. So we're left to wonder: What's The Big Deal? Did anybody grow up in a house where "rude little pig" was a shocking reprimand from a parent?

Alec: Stop using the telephone. Lindsay: Put your clothes on. You're already running late. It can only help. Jane: Don't criticize half-naked, drunken children. It's beneath you. Donald: Go away. Kim: Take a Valium and learn what real curse words sound like.

Note to all, to quote the woman who used to look like Joan Rivers: ...Grow up.